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stop the blame game
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 667075" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Hope1972, welcome to the forum. I am so sorry about your pain and your daughter's obvious serious problems.</p><p></p><p>I think one of the most important facts you stated is that she is 21. I know, if she's like my son, it was 21 going on about 14, but in the eyes of society, they are adults. That's both good and bad for us. Bad in that it's hard to intervene, even when they are lying on a gurney in the ER, helpless and crying, and good, in that we can know they are considered adults and we have truly had 21 years of trying to give them everything good we had to offer. </p><p></p><p>When there is mental illness (mild to severe), and we live in the U.S, our options are limited. It's a "perfect storm" of distress for us and for them, and I truly don't know the answer. </p><p></p><p>My son's anxiety and mild depression were his "triggers" I believe, to a life of addiction, that has only just ceased in the last 15 months. We basically had six years of H#$$, trying to help him, get him help, beg him to get help, deal with rehabs, doctors, police, jails and lawyers. From where I sit today, very little to nothing I ever did had an impact on him. He just kept on and on, until he decided he wanted to change. </p><p></p><p>There is help, but people have to want it. They have to want it more than they want their life today. For that to happen, their life today has to be so miserable that the alternative looks better. Most of we parents, we keep proving the safety net that prevents that "aha" moment from having even a chance to occur, and then to penetrate, and there is no guarantee that it ever will. </p><p></p><p>I finally had to bow my head, get on my knees and accept that I am just not powerful enough to make another person to something...to do anything. </p><p></p><p>That was my "aha" moment.</p><p></p><p>I believe my son's "perfect storm" of turnaround came in a jail cell in late June 2014 when he laid awake all night, afraid that he was going to prison for four years, per his court-appointed attorney. He told me later that he laid there in fear all night long. The next day, as is often the case in our over-crowded jails, he walked out again, with the threat still hanging there. He hasn't gotten into trouble since that day, and he has steadily worked to rebuild his life. It has me hopeful but cautious, still...he taught me well.</p><p></p><p>If you are getting to your own "aha" moment (which by the way I also define as detachment with love), there is a lot you can do to help yourself.</p><p></p><p>I call it a toolbox, and in it I have my tools that work for me. Mine start with Al-Anon, which has been a place of growth, change and possibility. If you haven't consider this tool, please do. It's free and it's accessible in almost every community worldwide, and it is a lifesaver. There are also online meetings, and there are many books you can buy, read and study. They are all wonderful and contain stories of people who have walked the same path you and I are walking. </p><p></p><p>Other tools include journaling, this forum, prayer/meditation/quiet, learning how to wait and not react, exercise, doing things for myself that I like to do, good trusted friends, flowers for my kitchen table. </p><p></p><p>Some of these tools sound trite and overly simple, even, but they signify an important mindset: I am going to start taking care of myself.</p><p></p><p>Many mothers have never done this---me included. Everything was for my kids, my career, my community...etc. Leaving very little to nothing for me. I gave it all, because I "didn't need any help." I was proud of that. No more. I need help. I need rest. I need time. I need peace. And I deserve all of that, and today, I'm willing to work for it.</p><p></p><p>Today, I say that my precious son is 49% and I am 51%. I work toward that in all my relationships. Again, a simple statement, but it is packed with tremendous meaning. I love my family and I love my husband and I love my two grown sons, but I also have to love myself.</p><p></p><p>I was a wreck by the time I started accepting my own fate, that I can't fix or change or manage other people, and that I had to accept reality, as hard as it was to do. There is no guarantee that when we start to change, they will also start to change. In fact, my son didn't, for years. I had to work to let go of that, too, and it had to become for me, instead of just for him.</p><p></p><p>This is a long road, a long journey, and it is one step forward, at times, and two back. It's about progress, not perfection. We are only human, and we love our precious children so much, and we want so much for them to have good lives. Detachment with love is a learned behavior, as it doesn't come naturally. It doesn't mean a hard cold heart that doesn't care...it means learning to let go of people who are adults now...it means offering love and support and encouragement, but not enabling and protecting them from the consequences of their own actions...it means being there to help when they are truly ready for help.</p><p></p><p>I understand that your daughter is psychotic. Does she know reality? Or sometimes she knows reality and sometimes she doesn't? You are the only one who can evaluate and decide what your own detachment might look like, and if that is a possible tool for you.</p><p></p><p>We can offer you support, care, encouragement and ideas here, but we know your decision is always your decision, and we will support you no matter what.</p><p></p><p>Warm hugs this morning. Keep posting. We're here for you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 667075, member: 17542"] Hope1972, welcome to the forum. I am so sorry about your pain and your daughter's obvious serious problems. I think one of the most important facts you stated is that she is 21. I know, if she's like my son, it was 21 going on about 14, but in the eyes of society, they are adults. That's both good and bad for us. Bad in that it's hard to intervene, even when they are lying on a gurney in the ER, helpless and crying, and good, in that we can know they are considered adults and we have truly had 21 years of trying to give them everything good we had to offer. When there is mental illness (mild to severe), and we live in the U.S, our options are limited. It's a "perfect storm" of distress for us and for them, and I truly don't know the answer. My son's anxiety and mild depression were his "triggers" I believe, to a life of addiction, that has only just ceased in the last 15 months. We basically had six years of H#$$, trying to help him, get him help, beg him to get help, deal with rehabs, doctors, police, jails and lawyers. From where I sit today, very little to nothing I ever did had an impact on him. He just kept on and on, until he decided he wanted to change. There is help, but people have to want it. They have to want it more than they want their life today. For that to happen, their life today has to be so miserable that the alternative looks better. Most of we parents, we keep proving the safety net that prevents that "aha" moment from having even a chance to occur, and then to penetrate, and there is no guarantee that it ever will. I finally had to bow my head, get on my knees and accept that I am just not powerful enough to make another person to something...to do anything. That was my "aha" moment. I believe my son's "perfect storm" of turnaround came in a jail cell in late June 2014 when he laid awake all night, afraid that he was going to prison for four years, per his court-appointed attorney. He told me later that he laid there in fear all night long. The next day, as is often the case in our over-crowded jails, he walked out again, with the threat still hanging there. He hasn't gotten into trouble since that day, and he has steadily worked to rebuild his life. It has me hopeful but cautious, still...he taught me well. If you are getting to your own "aha" moment (which by the way I also define as detachment with love), there is a lot you can do to help yourself. I call it a toolbox, and in it I have my tools that work for me. Mine start with Al-Anon, which has been a place of growth, change and possibility. If you haven't consider this tool, please do. It's free and it's accessible in almost every community worldwide, and it is a lifesaver. There are also online meetings, and there are many books you can buy, read and study. They are all wonderful and contain stories of people who have walked the same path you and I are walking. Other tools include journaling, this forum, prayer/meditation/quiet, learning how to wait and not react, exercise, doing things for myself that I like to do, good trusted friends, flowers for my kitchen table. Some of these tools sound trite and overly simple, even, but they signify an important mindset: I am going to start taking care of myself. Many mothers have never done this---me included. Everything was for my kids, my career, my community...etc. Leaving very little to nothing for me. I gave it all, because I "didn't need any help." I was proud of that. No more. I need help. I need rest. I need time. I need peace. And I deserve all of that, and today, I'm willing to work for it. Today, I say that my precious son is 49% and I am 51%. I work toward that in all my relationships. Again, a simple statement, but it is packed with tremendous meaning. I love my family and I love my husband and I love my two grown sons, but I also have to love myself. I was a wreck by the time I started accepting my own fate, that I can't fix or change or manage other people, and that I had to accept reality, as hard as it was to do. There is no guarantee that when we start to change, they will also start to change. In fact, my son didn't, for years. I had to work to let go of that, too, and it had to become for me, instead of just for him. This is a long road, a long journey, and it is one step forward, at times, and two back. It's about progress, not perfection. We are only human, and we love our precious children so much, and we want so much for them to have good lives. Detachment with love is a learned behavior, as it doesn't come naturally. It doesn't mean a hard cold heart that doesn't care...it means learning to let go of people who are adults now...it means offering love and support and encouragement, but not enabling and protecting them from the consequences of their own actions...it means being there to help when they are truly ready for help. I understand that your daughter is psychotic. Does she know reality? Or sometimes she knows reality and sometimes she doesn't? You are the only one who can evaluate and decide what your own detachment might look like, and if that is a possible tool for you. We can offer you support, care, encouragement and ideas here, but we know your decision is always your decision, and we will support you no matter what. Warm hugs this morning. Keep posting. We're here for you. [/QUOTE]
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