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Parent Emeritus
Stressed and sick can't take much more of ungrateful adult children
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 651815" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Ok, ok, ok, ok.</p><p></p><p>Take a deep breath.</p><p></p><p>Hon, it's time to take care of YOU.</p><p></p><p>First, Easy Child. If she is that sick that often and needs you to visit her, and it's hard financially, she needs to transfer to a school near to where you live or not expect you to take care of her. There is no other option other than for you to go broke and get so sick you can't visit her anyway, even if you want. She is an adult and even if she wants to go to the college she is at, it might just not be in the cards for her. If she can't manage her disease alone, she knows this and should stay closer to you. Does it make her feel bad or is she actually immobilized? At some point, she will have to learn to manage her illness or find outside resources to help her with it. None of us can live forever!!!</p><p></p><p></p><p>Now I did not have very good parents, but they did one thing right. My brother had/has Crohn's Disease. He almost died once. He moved to NJ from IL. They did not rush up to take care of him whenever he was sick. He learned how to take care of himself. They did go if he had surgery. That was it. Crohns is also an immune deficiency disease and it is very painful and most adults who have it are on Disability.</p><p></p><p></p><p>As for borderline daughter, you have talked about her. Have you gone low contact with her?</p><p></p><p>My opinion is that since borderlines never quit the drama and the love/hate/meanness/niceness and never make any sense it is mandatory for anyone who wants to keep on his/her life to get therapy from a psychologist who truly understands borderline and knows best how to deal with having one around. They are not pleasant and it has nothing to do with you.</p><p></p><p>If you are her target, it is best to stay away as much as you can. She will then probably find another target, but not before punishing you first, if you allow it. The less you react, the better it will be for you. A wonderful book called "Stop Walking on Eggshells" is available on Amazon. It is for the loved ones of a borderline...how to live with it. I don't know the author, but it is the only book with that name. It will come up if you try to order it.</p><p></p><p>Now, this puzzles me. Why on earth would your husband pay sister's mortgage? That is unnecessary. She can move. If it is hard on you financially, in my opinion it is not right to do it...it is treating yourself badly and since Sis can't afford the house, she can move to an apartment, cant' she? If you give everything you have to others, you will not even notice that you had a life at all.I feel it is selfish of her not to offer to move. If you can't work...you expect your brother to pay for your house?</p><p></p><p>That doesn't make sense to me...at any rate, take what you like from what I said (if anything) and leave the rest. A lot of this seems unreasonable on the part of others to me...so this is just my opinion. I'd never let anyone pay my mortgage for me. I'd move to a cheap place I could afford...Here is a hint that I didn't pick up until my late 40s. Your adult kids respect their father more than you because he takes care of himself and is unwilling to jump when they tell him to. It seems unfair, because you are doing everything for them, but that's how it works. You don't get respect by being a doormat, and I was one once so I know.</p><p></p><p>Hugs! BE GOOD TO YOURSELF. Don't make your whole life about your children. They are grown now. Go out and have a ball!!!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 651815, member: 1550"] Ok, ok, ok, ok. Take a deep breath. Hon, it's time to take care of YOU. First, Easy Child. If she is that sick that often and needs you to visit her, and it's hard financially, she needs to transfer to a school near to where you live or not expect you to take care of her. There is no other option other than for you to go broke and get so sick you can't visit her anyway, even if you want. She is an adult and even if she wants to go to the college she is at, it might just not be in the cards for her. If she can't manage her disease alone, she knows this and should stay closer to you. Does it make her feel bad or is she actually immobilized? At some point, she will have to learn to manage her illness or find outside resources to help her with it. None of us can live forever!!! Now I did not have very good parents, but they did one thing right. My brother had/has Crohn's Disease. He almost died once. He moved to NJ from IL. They did not rush up to take care of him whenever he was sick. He learned how to take care of himself. They did go if he had surgery. That was it. Crohns is also an immune deficiency disease and it is very painful and most adults who have it are on Disability. As for borderline daughter, you have talked about her. Have you gone low contact with her? My opinion is that since borderlines never quit the drama and the love/hate/meanness/niceness and never make any sense it is mandatory for anyone who wants to keep on his/her life to get therapy from a psychologist who truly understands borderline and knows best how to deal with having one around. They are not pleasant and it has nothing to do with you. If you are her target, it is best to stay away as much as you can. She will then probably find another target, but not before punishing you first, if you allow it. The less you react, the better it will be for you. A wonderful book called "Stop Walking on Eggshells" is available on Amazon. It is for the loved ones of a borderline...how to live with it. I don't know the author, but it is the only book with that name. It will come up if you try to order it. Now, this puzzles me. Why on earth would your husband pay sister's mortgage? That is unnecessary. She can move. If it is hard on you financially, in my opinion it is not right to do it...it is treating yourself badly and since Sis can't afford the house, she can move to an apartment, cant' she? If you give everything you have to others, you will not even notice that you had a life at all.I feel it is selfish of her not to offer to move. If you can't work...you expect your brother to pay for your house? That doesn't make sense to me...at any rate, take what you like from what I said (if anything) and leave the rest. A lot of this seems unreasonable on the part of others to me...so this is just my opinion. I'd never let anyone pay my mortgage for me. I'd move to a cheap place I could afford...Here is a hint that I didn't pick up until my late 40s. Your adult kids respect their father more than you because he takes care of himself and is unwilling to jump when they tell him to. It seems unfair, because you are doing everything for them, but that's how it works. You don't get respect by being a doormat, and I was one once so I know. Hugs! BE GOOD TO YOURSELF. Don't make your whole life about your children. They are grown now. Go out and have a ball!!! [/QUOTE]
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Stressed and sick can't take much more of ungrateful adult children
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