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Stressed and sick can't take much more of ungrateful adult children
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 651823" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Do you have any nursing services in the UK? We have nurses who will come to your house. I don't think it is good for your older daughter to rely on you to take care of her when she is ill. Some day she is either going to have to learn to take care of herself, even if it's painful, or have no life at all ever. My brother did it and she can do. And trust me he lives with pain every day of his life. But he's far, far away and teaches (he is NOT on Disability) and there is nobody to care for him when he is sick. If we have a chronic illness, it is up to us to learn how to best manage it on our own or we will truly be crippled by it. Again, you can't live forever. She needs to learn how to care for herself. She is well enough to go to college. She can do this. You should not need to run after her each time she has a flare up. She needs to rely on health care professionals when she gets sick...and herself. I don't know what she has, but unless it is cancer, I can not imagine it is more painful than childhood Crohn's. My brother is on medication that they give to Leukemia patients, although he doesn't have it, and also other medications, like Prednisone. And he is taking care of himself. He lives alone. He left Chicago when he graduated with his Masters so at 24 he was in a new state far, far away and from then on, he learned how to pace himself and how to take care of himself when ill. And he is ill almost every day. Now my mother is gone so if he had depended on her, for the past ten years he would have been REALLY helpless. I am not close to my brother for various reasons, but I admire him and I think my parents did the right thing, telling him he would have to take care of himself. He does!!!!</p><p></p><p>Now your husband's sister is still a puzzle to me. Why put her in front of you and your husband when she can very well find a place to live that is subsidized? I don't get that one at all.</p><p></p><p>You are only at the bottom because you put yourself there. Nobody can make you value yourself less than everybody else in the world. Only you can do that. Do I think that it's good? No. I don't think it is good at all to be so dog tired and burned out and depressed and sick that you endanger your own health and well being and financial security to take care of the rest of the world, family or not family. I think your ex is doing a better job of it than you are. He may be a psychopath. I don't know that. But in no way is he obligated to run and take care of anybody just because he has a lot of money adn it is easier for him. He can put himself first. And you can put yourself first. What will happen to those you take care of if you get so sick you need help? Will they all flock to care for you, financially and otherwise, or will they get angry or resent you for no longer being able to caretake them? It is not your responsibility to care for adults. At least (again, these are just my thoughts) I don't believe it is good to put everyone else in front of you so that your health and financial status and maybe even your life are in peril. Yes, I had to learn this too.</p><p></p><p>I think you'd enjoy another book "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie. I was super codependent until I joined a group called Codapendents Anonymous. I honestly believed that the worst way a person could be was to think of one's self at all, let alone first. Everyone threw me around. I was everybody's doormat and go-to helper. I felt I had to do it all. My life was a waste of time because I wasn't living life. I was living everyone else's life and barely able to keep my eyes open. Plus I suffer from severe depression.</p><p></p><p>I am happy now. It has been a long road and I hope you end up in the same place where I'm at. I no longer feel responsible for adults and I have many interests and a husband who is good at self-care too. I nurture me and try to be my own best friend. My kids respect me and I honestly think part of that is because I do take care of me and don't fall all over them and their needs and I let them live their lives. And if they abused me, I'd be very low contact. They know this. I have a very good relationship with all of my grown kids, but I work on it. </p><p></p><p>Strongly suggested: Do not read your daughter's text messages. It's the same thing as listening to her abuse. </p><p></p><p>You forgot to post in Parent Emeritus, where you would have gotten a bigger response. This particular forum is for parents of younger kids...under eighteen. You may want to try posting there to get more than just MY ideas. All of us on that forum bring something unique to the talbe...and we have all been through the mill with our grown kids. And we are sharing our experiences and trying to support one another.</p><p></p><p>Take care of YOU tonight. You and hub...just have a blast. Turn off the phones and have fun!!!!! <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 651823, member: 1550"] Do you have any nursing services in the UK? We have nurses who will come to your house. I don't think it is good for your older daughter to rely on you to take care of her when she is ill. Some day she is either going to have to learn to take care of herself, even if it's painful, or have no life at all ever. My brother did it and she can do. And trust me he lives with pain every day of his life. But he's far, far away and teaches (he is NOT on Disability) and there is nobody to care for him when he is sick. If we have a chronic illness, it is up to us to learn how to best manage it on our own or we will truly be crippled by it. Again, you can't live forever. She needs to learn how to care for herself. She is well enough to go to college. She can do this. You should not need to run after her each time she has a flare up. She needs to rely on health care professionals when she gets sick...and herself. I don't know what she has, but unless it is cancer, I can not imagine it is more painful than childhood Crohn's. My brother is on medication that they give to Leukemia patients, although he doesn't have it, and also other medications, like Prednisone. And he is taking care of himself. He lives alone. He left Chicago when he graduated with his Masters so at 24 he was in a new state far, far away and from then on, he learned how to pace himself and how to take care of himself when ill. And he is ill almost every day. Now my mother is gone so if he had depended on her, for the past ten years he would have been REALLY helpless. I am not close to my brother for various reasons, but I admire him and I think my parents did the right thing, telling him he would have to take care of himself. He does!!!! Now your husband's sister is still a puzzle to me. Why put her in front of you and your husband when she can very well find a place to live that is subsidized? I don't get that one at all. You are only at the bottom because you put yourself there. Nobody can make you value yourself less than everybody else in the world. Only you can do that. Do I think that it's good? No. I don't think it is good at all to be so dog tired and burned out and depressed and sick that you endanger your own health and well being and financial security to take care of the rest of the world, family or not family. I think your ex is doing a better job of it than you are. He may be a psychopath. I don't know that. But in no way is he obligated to run and take care of anybody just because he has a lot of money adn it is easier for him. He can put himself first. And you can put yourself first. What will happen to those you take care of if you get so sick you need help? Will they all flock to care for you, financially and otherwise, or will they get angry or resent you for no longer being able to caretake them? It is not your responsibility to care for adults. At least (again, these are just my thoughts) I don't believe it is good to put everyone else in front of you so that your health and financial status and maybe even your life are in peril. Yes, I had to learn this too. I think you'd enjoy another book "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie. I was super codependent until I joined a group called Codapendents Anonymous. I honestly believed that the worst way a person could be was to think of one's self at all, let alone first. Everyone threw me around. I was everybody's doormat and go-to helper. I felt I had to do it all. My life was a waste of time because I wasn't living life. I was living everyone else's life and barely able to keep my eyes open. Plus I suffer from severe depression. I am happy now. It has been a long road and I hope you end up in the same place where I'm at. I no longer feel responsible for adults and I have many interests and a husband who is good at self-care too. I nurture me and try to be my own best friend. My kids respect me and I honestly think part of that is because I do take care of me and don't fall all over them and their needs and I let them live their lives. And if they abused me, I'd be very low contact. They know this. I have a very good relationship with all of my grown kids, but I work on it. Strongly suggested: Do not read your daughter's text messages. It's the same thing as listening to her abuse. You forgot to post in Parent Emeritus, where you would have gotten a bigger response. This particular forum is for parents of younger kids...under eighteen. You may want to try posting there to get more than just MY ideas. All of us on that forum bring something unique to the talbe...and we have all been through the mill with our grown kids. And we are sharing our experiences and trying to support one another. Take care of YOU tonight. You and hub...just have a blast. Turn off the phones and have fun!!!!! :) [/QUOTE]
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