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Strugglin' horribly with 11 year old with Conduct Disorder & Personality Disorder
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<blockquote data-quote="Rachielee" data-source="post: 490888" data-attributes="member: 13435"><p>Thanks so much for your input, greatly appreciated! I agree with you 100% and honestly I think it's both and have thought so for quite some time. I have done so much research and reading to gain as much knowledge and input as I possibly can to help him and the family as a whole. She has never given him much of a reason for why she chose the party life over being a mother, she's a runner and not a dealer if you know what I mean. She also came from a whole lotta mess growing up and so the cycle continues, for right now anyway! I believe in my heart I am being given (God bless all of you) the tools, guidance and support to gain as much "good stuff" that I can and I am going to use all of those tools to get through this and get him through this! He has my heart and I know inside he is a loving, very intelligent, young man who DOES deserve a chance at success in life. He definately suffers insecure attachment, when his own mother cannot even put him first for a week or two out of the year, man....what a kick in the face that is! It hurt my heart when I found out she was out carrying on as she usually does when they were there.....unfortunately, we did not know a thing until they returned and ONLY because I saw right away my Brad had been buried and this hurting and very hateful kid came back. Had we known this was going on while they were with her, I can promise you my husband's family or mine would have been there in a millisecond to get them. Neither one of them said a thing because they didn't want "bad" for their mother and I get that.....regardless of what she is, she is their mother, but there comes a point where it's our job to protect them and the gloves have come off. Last summer they were with her for 7 days and my husband's family was checking in on them constantly. Even last Christmas we didn't let them go "home" for Christmas break and to be honest with you they both seemed relieved....yes, even Brad. As far as the abuse, I think he has seen a whole lot of verbal abuse, he has seen his mother so stinking drunk she couldn't handle herself, he has seen her lose complete control, hit things, cuss his father and I am sure cuss me, been around party crowds and pretty much left to his own devices....that's abuse! And sometimes the verbal/mental abuse is much more worse than any "physical"....especially in the mind of a child who feels completely rejected for his own mother.</p><p></p><p>Anywho.....today we had a family psychotherapy appointment and I believe a whole lot of wonderful things came out of it. I think my husband's eyes were opened up to alot of what the boys and I feel since he is so buried in work. Not by choice because he is a loving man, but since I have had to quit my job to deal with and be here for Brad, as well as having many mechanical issues with his machine.....it's been hard and he hasn't had a choice but to do what he has to keep us from swirling the drain BUT.....there also has to be balance between work and home. The therapist had us all take turns and place each person in a position of where we see them in the structure of our family, in the family dynamic. It was so super eye opening.....I think way more to my husband because in that situation he HAD to listen to how we felt, his family. Brad and I were always placed close to one another, sometimes with not so happy expressions on our faces or hands in the air, but we were always near one another. My husband and oldest son were always placed away with backs turned or even walking out the door....they even placed themselves there. I, of course, broke to tears numerous times, partly because of relief because my husband had to HEAR IT, LISTEN and SEE what I've been trying to tell him for over a year and then partly because it killed me that the boys placed him that far away....I was proud of my oldest for seeing that he is not involved unless it benefits him, I was extremely proud of my husband for being a man who was able to confidently admit he has not been here much at all (and I completely understand why) but we need him here too....we need his smiles (HE NEEDS TO SMILE)....we need our daddy and husband, even if only for a short period of time during the week; 30 minutes a night of his complete attention and interest would work miracles when it comes to issues of the heart. Brad openly admitted he is afraid that when he is in trouble that I am going to leave or go away....just as his mother did so we know that is a huge insecurity with him. We have always known that, but this is the first time those words came from his mouth. It know there is a kid who wants to be smothered in hugs inside of that hard shell he is carrying around him because when I cried before I knew it he had tears running down his cheeks. The therapist asked him why he was crying and he said it hurts him to see me cry and be unhappy or sad. Shoot, tears running right now! He, somewhere deep inside of him, does have compassion and caring....just gotta keep on working on the insecurity issues. He never sees me cry here at home....if I have to cry to "get it out", I always do it in private because I don't want him or anybody to think anything is their fault or blame themselves. It felt so darn good to cry today in front of all 3 of them.....when we did the "placement exercise" of how we see family members in our family dynamic, interestingly, when all 3 of my "boys" placed us, I was always in the middle of "their triangle" (therapist's words). I think that was an eye opener to my husband as well....I have been the one who is always stuck in the middle of all 3 of them and haven't gotten much support at all from the one who is suppose to be my safety net when I am weak....now you know why I don't sleep and am so stressed out! Anyway, I think today's family therapy was amazingly productive... Obviously we have to do what we have to in order to maintain our home and a secure and safe environment for our kids as far as work goes for my husband and that is just life....but I think it opened up his eyes to the fact that maybe Brad is feeling some insecurity when it comes to him as well because he is never here and when he is he is mentally absent and doesn't talk much at all. God is good, that is all I can say. First, I found you guys yesterday and today was the most productive family therapy session we have ever had.....though still exhausted, I learned many things today as well just by Brad's tears (which for the first time in a long time I know were for real) when he saw I was hurting because of the distance we feel as a family, me missing what we used to be, etc...He does love but just doesn't know how to and when he lets himself go just a little I think that fear completely takes him over, 2 baby steps forward and 4 long jumps back...</p><p></p><p>I know this is long and babbly, sorry ~ just so much happened today in a 1-hour session and we have been doing this for a long time! Thanks to those of you who gave me so much strength yesterday and this morning.....I hit it head on when our session started, wasn't taking "we'll talk about that" next time, I just talked and was completely truthful without worrying about hurting feelings as far as my husband goes....it was the best place to do it and I couldn't have done it without the love and support I felt because of finding this....My husband actually didn't go back to work afterwards, came home, was actually fun to be around....we had him back to where he was when we moved here 5 1/2 years ago....How powerful is that??? Made such a huge difference in all of us I think, could see it all of our eyes even without saying a word (brings me to tears cuz' I miss it)! I know there are still many rough and tough days ahead and the tough love still has to continue with Brad but we will get there.....and I don't care how much I go thru or we go thru until then, I just know we will get there. Their mother quit them......history is not going to repeat itself, I refuse! They don't deserve it...they deserve this. Love to all!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Rachielee, post: 490888, member: 13435"] Thanks so much for your input, greatly appreciated! I agree with you 100% and honestly I think it's both and have thought so for quite some time. I have done so much research and reading to gain as much knowledge and input as I possibly can to help him and the family as a whole. She has never given him much of a reason for why she chose the party life over being a mother, she's a runner and not a dealer if you know what I mean. She also came from a whole lotta mess growing up and so the cycle continues, for right now anyway! I believe in my heart I am being given (God bless all of you) the tools, guidance and support to gain as much "good stuff" that I can and I am going to use all of those tools to get through this and get him through this! He has my heart and I know inside he is a loving, very intelligent, young man who DOES deserve a chance at success in life. He definately suffers insecure attachment, when his own mother cannot even put him first for a week or two out of the year, man....what a kick in the face that is! It hurt my heart when I found out she was out carrying on as she usually does when they were there.....unfortunately, we did not know a thing until they returned and ONLY because I saw right away my Brad had been buried and this hurting and very hateful kid came back. Had we known this was going on while they were with her, I can promise you my husband's family or mine would have been there in a millisecond to get them. Neither one of them said a thing because they didn't want "bad" for their mother and I get that.....regardless of what she is, she is their mother, but there comes a point where it's our job to protect them and the gloves have come off. Last summer they were with her for 7 days and my husband's family was checking in on them constantly. Even last Christmas we didn't let them go "home" for Christmas break and to be honest with you they both seemed relieved....yes, even Brad. As far as the abuse, I think he has seen a whole lot of verbal abuse, he has seen his mother so stinking drunk she couldn't handle herself, he has seen her lose complete control, hit things, cuss his father and I am sure cuss me, been around party crowds and pretty much left to his own devices....that's abuse! And sometimes the verbal/mental abuse is much more worse than any "physical"....especially in the mind of a child who feels completely rejected for his own mother. Anywho.....today we had a family psychotherapy appointment and I believe a whole lot of wonderful things came out of it. I think my husband's eyes were opened up to alot of what the boys and I feel since he is so buried in work. Not by choice because he is a loving man, but since I have had to quit my job to deal with and be here for Brad, as well as having many mechanical issues with his machine.....it's been hard and he hasn't had a choice but to do what he has to keep us from swirling the drain BUT.....there also has to be balance between work and home. The therapist had us all take turns and place each person in a position of where we see them in the structure of our family, in the family dynamic. It was so super eye opening.....I think way more to my husband because in that situation he HAD to listen to how we felt, his family. Brad and I were always placed close to one another, sometimes with not so happy expressions on our faces or hands in the air, but we were always near one another. My husband and oldest son were always placed away with backs turned or even walking out the door....they even placed themselves there. I, of course, broke to tears numerous times, partly because of relief because my husband had to HEAR IT, LISTEN and SEE what I've been trying to tell him for over a year and then partly because it killed me that the boys placed him that far away....I was proud of my oldest for seeing that he is not involved unless it benefits him, I was extremely proud of my husband for being a man who was able to confidently admit he has not been here much at all (and I completely understand why) but we need him here too....we need his smiles (HE NEEDS TO SMILE)....we need our daddy and husband, even if only for a short period of time during the week; 30 minutes a night of his complete attention and interest would work miracles when it comes to issues of the heart. Brad openly admitted he is afraid that when he is in trouble that I am going to leave or go away....just as his mother did so we know that is a huge insecurity with him. We have always known that, but this is the first time those words came from his mouth. It know there is a kid who wants to be smothered in hugs inside of that hard shell he is carrying around him because when I cried before I knew it he had tears running down his cheeks. The therapist asked him why he was crying and he said it hurts him to see me cry and be unhappy or sad. Shoot, tears running right now! He, somewhere deep inside of him, does have compassion and caring....just gotta keep on working on the insecurity issues. He never sees me cry here at home....if I have to cry to "get it out", I always do it in private because I don't want him or anybody to think anything is their fault or blame themselves. It felt so darn good to cry today in front of all 3 of them.....when we did the "placement exercise" of how we see family members in our family dynamic, interestingly, when all 3 of my "boys" placed us, I was always in the middle of "their triangle" (therapist's words). I think that was an eye opener to my husband as well....I have been the one who is always stuck in the middle of all 3 of them and haven't gotten much support at all from the one who is suppose to be my safety net when I am weak....now you know why I don't sleep and am so stressed out! Anyway, I think today's family therapy was amazingly productive... Obviously we have to do what we have to in order to maintain our home and a secure and safe environment for our kids as far as work goes for my husband and that is just life....but I think it opened up his eyes to the fact that maybe Brad is feeling some insecurity when it comes to him as well because he is never here and when he is he is mentally absent and doesn't talk much at all. God is good, that is all I can say. First, I found you guys yesterday and today was the most productive family therapy session we have ever had.....though still exhausted, I learned many things today as well just by Brad's tears (which for the first time in a long time I know were for real) when he saw I was hurting because of the distance we feel as a family, me missing what we used to be, etc...He does love but just doesn't know how to and when he lets himself go just a little I think that fear completely takes him over, 2 baby steps forward and 4 long jumps back... I know this is long and babbly, sorry ~ just so much happened today in a 1-hour session and we have been doing this for a long time! Thanks to those of you who gave me so much strength yesterday and this morning.....I hit it head on when our session started, wasn't taking "we'll talk about that" next time, I just talked and was completely truthful without worrying about hurting feelings as far as my husband goes....it was the best place to do it and I couldn't have done it without the love and support I felt because of finding this....My husband actually didn't go back to work afterwards, came home, was actually fun to be around....we had him back to where he was when we moved here 5 1/2 years ago....How powerful is that??? Made such a huge difference in all of us I think, could see it all of our eyes even without saying a word (brings me to tears cuz' I miss it)! I know there are still many rough and tough days ahead and the tough love still has to continue with Brad but we will get there.....and I don't care how much I go thru or we go thru until then, I just know we will get there. Their mother quit them......history is not going to repeat itself, I refuse! They don't deserve it...they deserve this. Love to all! [/QUOTE]
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Strugglin' horribly with 11 year old with Conduct Disorder & Personality Disorder
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