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Substance Abuse
Struggling to be strong.
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 678126" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>The first thing to realize is that you are powerless to control this. (That is an AA saying and it fits.) You cannot control your children. You control you. Your house. If you choose it.</p><p>Personally, I do not think this is unrealistic.</p><p></p><p>Your son was dealing drugs in your home. He was using drugs in your home. If that is not a reason to ask him to leave I do not know what is.</p><p></p><p>It is the normal progression of life that adult children make their own life. If our children are choosing behaviors that we detest, perhaps there is a statement being made. Maybe it is time. At the least drug treatment might be in order, with a plan to become independent down the line.</p><p></p><p>A way to look at this is that by allowing your son to continue in your home, by subsidizing his education when you fear he has a drug habit, and has behaved feloniously by dealing drugs, may be seen by him as your condoning it.</p><p></p><p>By encouraging him to be with his younger brother, for support, may be interpreted by your younger son that everything is OK. It is not OK. If everything was OK, you would not need antidepressants and sleeping pills (me too.)</p><p></p><p>These are decisions that we as parents make that we can change so that the messages we give our adult children with our behaviors are consistent to that which we say.</p><p></p><p>That is what we can do to support our children to change: To speak with one voice. In what we say and what we do.</p><p></p><p>I am not an expert on substance abuse. (Others will be here tomorrow morning.) My son uses heavily marijuana, which I detest, but as far as I know, not hard drugs. But the underlying principle is the same.</p><p></p><p>My son is mentally ill and has a chronic illness. He is very brilliant but lives a minimally responsible life. He too struggles with depression, anxiety and body dysmorphia.</p><p></p><p>I was heartsick. I still get physically ill when I am near him. To the point of vomiting blood. I am underscoring my point here. I do not mean to be gross. This is all very, very hard. These are our babies. All of our hope and value in ourselves is wrapped up in them. NOT.</p><p></p><p>They are not our babies anymore. They are adult men. That is our task and theirs to accept. Your adult children will not be served by your self-destructing. Nor will my son. I am finally understanding this. How much better off I would have been to learn this 8 years ago. My son is 27.</p><p></p><p>I am not judging you. What I am putting forth here is a different way to think about ourselves and our situations that I learned here in only 8 months on this site.</p><p></p><p>I fear I may be being too hard on you. I took my benadryl and maybe I am disinhibited. Forgive me. I want you to be OK. I do not want you to suffer.</p><p></p><p>I believe that our sons will work this out. But they need first that we face the truth. Instead of tearing ourselves up in pieces.</p><p></p><p>COPA</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 678126, member: 18958"] The first thing to realize is that you are powerless to control this. (That is an AA saying and it fits.) You cannot control your children. You control you. Your house. If you choose it. Personally, I do not think this is unrealistic. Your son was dealing drugs in your home. He was using drugs in your home. If that is not a reason to ask him to leave I do not know what is. It is the normal progression of life that adult children make their own life. If our children are choosing behaviors that we detest, perhaps there is a statement being made. Maybe it is time. At the least drug treatment might be in order, with a plan to become independent down the line. A way to look at this is that by allowing your son to continue in your home, by subsidizing his education when you fear he has a drug habit, and has behaved feloniously by dealing drugs, may be seen by him as your condoning it. By encouraging him to be with his younger brother, for support, may be interpreted by your younger son that everything is OK. It is not OK. If everything was OK, you would not need antidepressants and sleeping pills (me too.) These are decisions that we as parents make that we can change so that the messages we give our adult children with our behaviors are consistent to that which we say. That is what we can do to support our children to change: To speak with one voice. In what we say and what we do. I am not an expert on substance abuse. (Others will be here tomorrow morning.) My son uses heavily marijuana, which I detest, but as far as I know, not hard drugs. But the underlying principle is the same. My son is mentally ill and has a chronic illness. He is very brilliant but lives a minimally responsible life. He too struggles with depression, anxiety and body dysmorphia. I was heartsick. I still get physically ill when I am near him. To the point of vomiting blood. I am underscoring my point here. I do not mean to be gross. This is all very, very hard. These are our babies. All of our hope and value in ourselves is wrapped up in them. NOT. They are not our babies anymore. They are adult men. That is our task and theirs to accept. Your adult children will not be served by your self-destructing. Nor will my son. I am finally understanding this. How much better off I would have been to learn this 8 years ago. My son is 27. I am not judging you. What I am putting forth here is a different way to think about ourselves and our situations that I learned here in only 8 months on this site. I fear I may be being too hard on you. I took my benadryl and maybe I am disinhibited. Forgive me. I want you to be OK. I do not want you to suffer. I believe that our sons will work this out. But they need first that we face the truth. Instead of tearing ourselves up in pieces. COPA [/QUOTE]
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