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Struggling with decisions
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<blockquote data-quote="Tanya M" data-source="post: 706743" data-attributes="member: 18516"><p>Welcome litbitblack,</p><p></p><p>I'm so sorry for what you are going though but am so glad you found us here. </p><p></p><p></p><p>This is very typical mindset of a difficult adult child. Even if you didn't work and were a stay at home mom, she would still blame you. It's easier for these adult kids to blame us the parents, that way they don't have to own the choices they have made.</p><p>Do not buy into this. You are not at fault for the choices she has made.</p><p></p><p>It's always easy for those who don't really have a clue to tell us that we should help our adult difficult children, give them money, let them live with us, give them a car, etc.........</p><p>Just because others, even family members think you should let her move in with you doesn't mean you are obligated to.</p><p>My main concern is for your 4 year old granddaughter. You have afforded this child two years of stability and she has adjusted. To have your daughter in her life on a daily basis could prove disastrous. </p><p></p><p>One of the biggest challenges when we allow our adult child to live with us is setting and holding clear boundaries. Clear boundaries also have to have consequences. </p><p>Little Johnny or Little Susie move back home and for the first week or two they are on their best behavior. We start to let our guard down, then WHAM they revert back into being a difficult child. Arguing, lying, showing no respect for you, your home, your rules. Now you are left with the choice - continue to put up with it or liberate them from your home.</p><p>Another problem that can arise is getting them out of your home. Sometimes you have to file eviction papers.</p><p></p><p>You know your daughter better than anyone. You are the best judge of how it will play out if you do let her live with you. </p><p>If you do not want her to live with you that's okay. There is nothing to feel guilty about if that is your choice. Don't allow what others think you should do to bully you into doing something you don't want to.</p><p></p><p>You have done a selfless act in getting custody of your grand daughter. It would be my guess that had you not stepped in your grand daughter would be in foster care. This is the most loving thing you could have done for your daughter and for her to ask for anything else from you is too much, in my humble opinion. </p><p></p><p>The times my son has been released from jail, there has always been a half way house he could go to. It's not the greatest but it gives them a place to start.</p><p></p><p>Bottom line, your daughter, my son and all the other difficult adult children have to make the choice to turn their own lives around. We cannot do it for them. </p><p></p><p>Whatever you decide make sure it's what you want. Do what is best for you and your granddaughter.</p><p></p><p>((HUGS)) to you..................</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Tanya M, post: 706743, member: 18516"] Welcome litbitblack, I'm so sorry for what you are going though but am so glad you found us here. This is very typical mindset of a difficult adult child. Even if you didn't work and were a stay at home mom, she would still blame you. It's easier for these adult kids to blame us the parents, that way they don't have to own the choices they have made. Do not buy into this. You are not at fault for the choices she has made. It's always easy for those who don't really have a clue to tell us that we should help our adult difficult children, give them money, let them live with us, give them a car, etc......... Just because others, even family members think you should let her move in with you doesn't mean you are obligated to. My main concern is for your 4 year old granddaughter. You have afforded this child two years of stability and she has adjusted. To have your daughter in her life on a daily basis could prove disastrous. One of the biggest challenges when we allow our adult child to live with us is setting and holding clear boundaries. Clear boundaries also have to have consequences. Little Johnny or Little Susie move back home and for the first week or two they are on their best behavior. We start to let our guard down, then WHAM they revert back into being a difficult child. Arguing, lying, showing no respect for you, your home, your rules. Now you are left with the choice - continue to put up with it or liberate them from your home. Another problem that can arise is getting them out of your home. Sometimes you have to file eviction papers. You know your daughter better than anyone. You are the best judge of how it will play out if you do let her live with you. If you do not want her to live with you that's okay. There is nothing to feel guilty about if that is your choice. Don't allow what others think you should do to bully you into doing something you don't want to. You have done a selfless act in getting custody of your grand daughter. It would be my guess that had you not stepped in your grand daughter would be in foster care. This is the most loving thing you could have done for your daughter and for her to ask for anything else from you is too much, in my humble opinion. The times my son has been released from jail, there has always been a half way house he could go to. It's not the greatest but it gives them a place to start. Bottom line, your daughter, my son and all the other difficult adult children have to make the choice to turn their own lives around. We cannot do it for them. Whatever you decide make sure it's what you want. Do what is best for you and your granddaughter. ((HUGS)) to you.................. [/QUOTE]
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