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Struggling with decisions
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 710185" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>litbitblack, I am coming to your thread late, however, I do have a bit of experience with raising my own granddaughter because my daughter was not capable. I suggest that you follow through on the custody for now, just so you have the safety of knowing the law is on YOUR side. </p><p></p><p>My granddaughter was 11 when I went to court for temporary guardianship and then ultimately I received permanent guardianship. It was a grueling experience as you likely are aware. I always believed my daughter would get it together and petition the court to regain custody but that was not to be. My granddaughter is now 21 and doing exceptionally well all things considered. My choices to protect her at all costs were the right choices......but I didn't always know that as I was going through it.</p><p></p><p>Our difficult adult kids often seem as if they truly believe they will pull it all together, and sometimes they do, however, with a young child in the mix, I think the child's welfare has to come before any promises your daughter makes. Perhaps after she has worked for a year, shown she is stable, has her own place and is not using drugs or alcohol, you can reconsider. We parents want so much to believe our kids, no matter what, that we can lose sight of reality and allow them to manipulate us into doing what they want. Your grandchild sounds stable and healthy now, pulling her out of your safe environment doesn't sound like a good idea.</p><p></p><p>Your daughter may fight the finalization of the temporary orders, my daughter fought me throughout.......however, given your daughter's history, the charges and the fact that your grandchild has been with you for years, sounds to me as if that will all weight heavily on your side, at least for now.</p><p></p><p>For your own health and well being, you might consider getting support for YOU......many folks here find 12 step groups to be very helpful, in particular Families Anonymous and Al Anon or Narc Anon. If your daughter has mental issues, you might connect with NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness, they have chapters in many cities and you can reach them online too. They have excellent courses for parents with terrific resources for both you and your daughter. Most of us here have good support systems set up because dealing with our difficult kids is extremely challenging. There are also agencies set up to assist grandparents who are raising their grandkids....since it is epidemic now. I found a good one near me and they helped with the guardianship and offered support groups as well. </p><p></p><p>You might find the article on detachment at the bottom of my post helpful. </p><p></p><p>Hang in there, keep posting, get support for you and follow your own instincts, right now I don't think your daughter's instincts can be trusted. She needs to prove for a much longer time then 1 1/2 months that she is ready to take on the role of mother. I know it's tough to be in the middle and hold your ground, but I believe that is the appropriate thing to do given the circumstances you've described.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 710185, member: 13542"] litbitblack, I am coming to your thread late, however, I do have a bit of experience with raising my own granddaughter because my daughter was not capable. I suggest that you follow through on the custody for now, just so you have the safety of knowing the law is on YOUR side. My granddaughter was 11 when I went to court for temporary guardianship and then ultimately I received permanent guardianship. It was a grueling experience as you likely are aware. I always believed my daughter would get it together and petition the court to regain custody but that was not to be. My granddaughter is now 21 and doing exceptionally well all things considered. My choices to protect her at all costs were the right choices......but I didn't always know that as I was going through it. Our difficult adult kids often seem as if they truly believe they will pull it all together, and sometimes they do, however, with a young child in the mix, I think the child's welfare has to come before any promises your daughter makes. Perhaps after she has worked for a year, shown she is stable, has her own place and is not using drugs or alcohol, you can reconsider. We parents want so much to believe our kids, no matter what, that we can lose sight of reality and allow them to manipulate us into doing what they want. Your grandchild sounds stable and healthy now, pulling her out of your safe environment doesn't sound like a good idea. Your daughter may fight the finalization of the temporary orders, my daughter fought me throughout.......however, given your daughter's history, the charges and the fact that your grandchild has been with you for years, sounds to me as if that will all weight heavily on your side, at least for now. For your own health and well being, you might consider getting support for YOU......many folks here find 12 step groups to be very helpful, in particular Families Anonymous and Al Anon or Narc Anon. If your daughter has mental issues, you might connect with NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness, they have chapters in many cities and you can reach them online too. They have excellent courses for parents with terrific resources for both you and your daughter. Most of us here have good support systems set up because dealing with our difficult kids is extremely challenging. There are also agencies set up to assist grandparents who are raising their grandkids....since it is epidemic now. I found a good one near me and they helped with the guardianship and offered support groups as well. You might find the article on detachment at the bottom of my post helpful. Hang in there, keep posting, get support for you and follow your own instincts, right now I don't think your daughter's instincts can be trusted. She needs to prove for a much longer time then 1 1/2 months that she is ready to take on the role of mother. I know it's tough to be in the middle and hold your ground, but I believe that is the appropriate thing to do given the circumstances you've described. [/QUOTE]
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