Stubborn or something else?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Gaia, Nov 11, 2007.

  1. Gaia

    Gaia New Member

    Many of the problems I have at home with my son is because he won't listen to me. He gets something in his mind and won't let it go. No matter what I say he does not listen to me. He does not care about consequences, good or bad. He gets mad at me when I don't let him have his way, but I cannot let him have his way all of the time. He has started to get violent with me at times now. Mostly kicking and hitting, yelling that he hates me and to leave him alone. So I walk away. He does not get his way and eventually calms down. Is this a normal 5 year old behavior? am I looking for it to be due to his anxiety? I just can't take the anxiety and this spoiled, stubbornness at the same time. I feel like it's tearing my family apart.
  2. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Sometimes when a child feels like they have no control over what is going on inside their little heads, they have a need to try to control other things around them. It gives them a sense of control. When my difficult child's anxiety is up, so is her stubbornness and rigidity.

    I will just never believe that a 5 year old is bad just for the sake of being bad, although when you're living with the behavior day to day it can be hard to think that. I know. been there done that. When you're living with the constant 'defiance' and stubbornness it can be difficult to remember that something is fueling it. Once you can identify the triggers, you should be able to make changes.
  3. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Have you read "The Explosive Child"?

    It addresses that directly. IT basically explains choosing your battles so that there are less things for you to reprimand the child about, and it helps encourage the parent to give the child choices whenever possible.

    The more that the child thinks that either he is in control (as Heather stated) or that it is HIS idea, the less meltdowns you will have. Get your hands on that book as soon as you can!
  4. SRL

    SRL Active Member

    No, this isn't normal 5 year old behavior. Make sure you cover your bases through as thorough assessment as you can get in your area.

    I've been through the anxiety and what you're describing and it is indeed challenging. You pretty much need to toss out everything you ever thought you knew about parenting strategies.
    I also would encourage you to read The Explosive Child. There's a post at the top of this board on adapting it to young children. It has helped many of to gain an understanding and get a game plan for the difficult, defiant behaviors. It's important to bring other family members on board to be most effective.

    Hang in there--you've got a little guy who's just started school and issues are flaring. Things can get better from here.
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I've raised five kids past five (my youngest is now 11 1/2). No, that is not normal in anyway. I would recommend a MDE to see what issues are going on with your child. He is very young and it may be hard to find out why he is the way he is (at least at this time), but you may be able to get interventions that can help you both.
    How is his development? Speech? Eye contact? Does he play appropriately with toys? Good imaginary play? Likes affection? Can he concentrate? Any quirks?

    Are there any psychiatric issues or substance abuse issues on either side of the family tree?

    Early intervention REALLY helped my son, even though it took several years to figure out what was really wrong. I highly recommend getting him a thorough evaluation, not just a counselor of psycologist. He is rigid and afraid to let you control him for a reason. He could have some childhood disorder that hasn't been found yet. Good luck!
  6. Gaia

    Gaia New Member

    Thank you all so much. I do have that book and I will start to read it now, especially since it is finally quiet in the house.

    MidwestMom: His development was pretty much right on track, or so I thought. My dad still talks of how he held a conversation with him when he was just 2 years old. When attempting to speak with his teacher or the school counselor, I have been told that he does not make eye contact. I think he plays with his toys appropriately and very imaginatively. He loves to make things with Legos. He has great concentration when it comes to things like Legos and activity/coloring books.

    I am not sure what you mean by quirks. To me it seems like he has alot of them. Foods need to be prepared the same way all the time, he likes the feel of silk (like on the edge of a blanket) especially when he is tired or scared, and he is very comfortable with sticking to the same routine for things like going to school and getting to bed.

    I am not sure about my side of the family because my mother doesn't open up to me too much. But on my husband's side, his father was an alcoholic, was drinking from a very young age. I don't know of any history of psychiatric issues, but that does not mean they weren't there.

    Thank you again for all of your replies.
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I mean does he have trouble with change, get obsessed by certain things, memorize his television shows, throw a fit if something is moved from one part of the room to another, cover his ears when noise is loud, anything that is different from other kids on the playground. Does he seem desperate, almost scared when he has to change from one activity to another?
    Has he ever been evaluated? I highly recommend either a Multi-Disciplinary Evaluation from a children's or university hospital or a neuropsychologist exam (and I prefer the latter). You'll get a much better picture of what is going on with these types of evaluations. The waiting lists are long, but, in my opinion, they are worth it.
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Ok, I see the selective mutism and social worker. My gut opinion: get a neuropsychologist evaluation. Now. I don't believe the social worker caught the big picture. Social workers aren't supposed to diagnose. I'd get the complete evaluation. Something is going on. You may want to take this online test to see if your son scores high or if this seems to ring a bell. Good luck!
  9. Sheila

    Sheila Moderator

    My son use to do this. No matter what I did, I could not redirect him.

    It was odd because he's typically so easily distracted, but there were many times when he got a thought in his head (or a "want" lol), that you just couldn't get him off of it. I thought it was Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) tendencies, but more than one evaluator identified it as perserveration.

    I also learned that difficult child couldn't control it.

    The good news is that while he still does it, it's MUCH less frequently than in past years.
  10. SRL

    SRL Active Member

    I looked into this further, MM, and in some states Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW) with phD's are legally qualified to diagnosis. It definitely wouldn't be my first choice in general though unless the individual came very highly recommended by both parents and my pediatrician.

    I would schedule with a developmental pediatrician or a neuropsychologist. I'd also want private audiology, speech/language, and Occupational Therapist (OT) in addition to what the school is doing.
  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Ok, SRL. You are very knowledgeable and I trust your word :wink:
    Even so, I'd give the diagnosing to a neuropsychologist or at least a multi-disciplinary evaluation :smile:
  12. SRL

    SRL Active Member

    MM, it's The Gospel According To Google that you would have to ultimately trust on this one. ;-)

    It kept cropping up so I went searching and found that it had gone to higher courts in at least one state.