Support for Dotty - the new thread. :-)

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Star*, Jun 9, 2012.

  1. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Well girls - we're here to help and everyone said the other thread - getting a bit here we go. In true Warrior friend fashion.

    Dottie when I read your reply from the first therapy session and getting medications and your daughters visit....maybe I didn't get it, but I did not see you thinking it was fixed in a snap. SO I think you are on a good path. I hope that you keep up the good work. I can remember having those same feelings (similar but different) about my issues with my ex.....I wanted it to STILL work out even after he was hideously abusive to me. I even did like the therapist suggested - keep my options open for a year. NO ONE told me WELL HE WILL COME BACK - all fixed and things will be as I WANTED THEM to be. I mean I was so raw, so hurt, so dismantled in my brain. I couldn't decipher things at that point like fault, or future, or fix. The situation will be what it will be - and while you can't think for your daughter; you still are going to care about her - like I still cared about my ex. DESPITE the fact that he beat me to a pulp...DESPITE the fact that your daughter has ABUSED you and thrown you to the curb..DESPITE the fact that my X would have literally KILLED ME, DEPITE that fact that your daughter is being VINDICTIVE to a fault.....all these things are leaving you with WHAT-IF's that you can't possible answer - and I would bet - that given a chance? You'd be an excellent chess player and are LARGELY an outside the box thinker. - YOu've had to be - because (and I'm guessing of course) but I would say - that most if not all your life - you've either put yourself into situations or have been PUT into situations that have caused you to have to think - two steps ahead or WHAT IF - or like I try to tell people - FLOW chart thinking -

    Well If i do this - what if this happens? Okay then I have to know can I do this? Yes - Okay then do that. (plan in place) BUT If I do this and HE does that? Can I do this? NO....Okay then I must be ready to do THAT. Okay - (plan B in place) BUT....What about SHOULD THIS happen...(ahhhhh) yes i am smarter than plan a and b because I've had such and such me, so much....THEN I will be ready with plan C. (BOY am I ready for ANYTHING) and thus our brains tend to really get wild thinking......and because of that - we do a TON of negative projecting. Bet you didn't even know there was a term for it did you? lol. Yeah me either. TO ME? It was staying alive. For you it's self preservation. And it causes us a GREAT deal of anxiety that we really don't need, but over the years have HAD to create in order to try and stay one step ahead to feel SAFE. Time to give that up. IT's also (sorry to say) made us nuts. Time to give that up too - and THAT? Takes time. WITH a professional and a little bit of mothers little helper (medication) no shame in that.

    As far as the daughter thing coming home? WELL.....I guess there are a few thoughts that roll around in my head about Lil Miss nasty. And yes - She's nasty - and whether it was BY your hand or NOT? Lookit - SHE"S EIGHTEEN YEARS OLD. And she is MILKING THE COW FOR ALL IT"S WORTH WITH EVERYONE.....Golly she's got your sister, your husband, the town council her siblings, frieakin bozo, herself and sadly - anyone else she comes in contact with TO FEEL SORRY FOR...............HER. Well Dottie - let me ask you something. DId you beat her? Did you pick up a ball bat and pound her? Did you abuse her sexually? Did you pimp her out for cash to support your crack habit? Or did you TRY to help her stay away from a BOZO that she NOW herself is admitting she needs to get away from? GOSH MOM AREN'T YOU SMART? DAMN. YOU JUST DID IT in a way that wasn't proper. SO lets all punch Dottie in the face forever and ever amen for how she tried to help her daughter stay away from a Babbon. YEah - lets drag her behind a car, lets just torment her soul, lets keep kicking sand in her face, and finally lets just string her up in the town square and throw nasty vegetables at her - I mean honey??? WHEN do YOU think enough of a beating IS going to be ENOUGH for you? WHEN does YOUR punishment FROM HER????? END? WHEN are YOU going to get ANGRY for how her behavior towards YOU is affecting YOU? she's affected your life negatively - and keeps on "MILKING IT" with everyone - and YOU keep LETTING HER.....and LETTING HER.....drag you through town, and literally pooping on you.....with EVERYONE you know. (I'd say - grow a backbone - but that is so harsh) but it's what I mean hon. STAND UP TO YOUR DAUGHTER AND GAIN HER RESPECT. STOP COWTOWING to this CHILD an STAND UP TO HER......SHE IS LOOKING FOR YOU TO STAND UP TO HER.

    DID YOU MAKE A MISTAKE? YES. SHOULD YOU HAVE YOUR NOSE RUBBED IN IT FOR LIFE? NOPE. NO NO NO . ARE YOU GOING TO THERAPY TO GET HELP AND FIX YOU? YES. WILL THAT FIX WHAT IS BETWEEN YOU AND HER? I DO NOT>>>>>>I DO NOT>>>> I DO NOT KNOW. BUT what I do know - is that IF.......IF (reapat to you) IF there is ANY SINGLE SHRED of hope that things are ever repaired between you and your daughter? YOU had better start standing up for yourself, claim your home.....and tell little miss nasty that she made her bed - she can lay in it. WIth or without bozo. She needs a place to stay? Fine ....COME HOME - but THAT IS YOUR HOME....and YOU are not MOVING. THAT is THE ONLY PLACE YOU HAVE TO GO - and YOU WILL NOT mOVE. PERIOD. HERE ARE YOUR RULES> AN D YOU>>>>>>>>>NOT LITTLE MISS NASTY are the WOMAN of THE HOUSE. ANd if she bucks YOUR RULES?????? OUT SHE GOES. PERIOD. NO IF ANDS OR BUTTS>>>>> and keep going to therapy.

    I think it's high time you show her who you are, who is boss, and you don't have to be MS. BIG NASTY - but be matter of fact, not raise your voice, and let it is what it is. She doesn't run your home.....YOU DO. SHE doesn't tell your HUSBAND How it's going to be in YOUR home - YOU DO. (or you decide with him together)

    And keep up with your appointments.......I love that you like both the doctors. that ??? That's 1/2 the battle........and you're on your way - to a NEW and IMPROVED self - aware HEAR ME ROAR - dotty.

    I promise if you keep going? YOU WILL BE SO EMPOWERED in your life - and so insightful - you too will someday - be writing like this to someone and be able to help someone-----because 17 years ago? I had no will, no confidence - no ability - to do anything but whatever I was told.....and it svcked..but I didn't even know it did. I just did it. I didn't think I liked it but I was told I liked it - so I believed it. LIFE is OUT THERE DOT - BUT YOU HAVE TO KNOW THAT YOU WANT SOMETHING BETTER _ FOR YOURSELF FIRST.......and THEN YOU WILL KNOW THAT YOU ARE AN EXAMPLE FOR YOUR DAUGHTER.....AND IF YOU WANT HER TO BE MORE LIKE AN EMPOWERED WOMAN WHO CAN BE STRONG AND STAND AWAY FROM A BOZO _ KEEP GOING TO THERAPY......but if you want her to stay with a bozo and remain little miss nasty? Keep thinking about what YOU want for yourself - and try to repair it all on your own and don't go to therapy and keep listening to the voice in your head that says EH you don't need anyone - you can fix this with a smile or a lunch or a kind word - or letting her move bak in and use you for a door mat. THEN you will be 65 and the sorriest woman ever. Because you will have known you had the OPPORTUNITY to change things and DID NOTHING because you took the EASY WAY out instead of doing the hard work and getting results.

    I BELIVE IN YOU DOT - I KNOW YOU CAN STAY AWAY FROM HER - I KNOW YOU CAN CONTINUE THERAPY - I KNOW YOU CAN RISE ABOVE ALL OF THIS -EVEN WITHOUT ANYONES SUPPORT - I KNOW IT BECAUSE 17 YEARS AGO ? I WAS THERE......and now? I'm HERE....and now I'm HERE FOR YOU! SO BUCK UP BUCKAROOOoooooooooooo we're hittin the dusty trail....(but you take the Appaloosa - I think they're crazy) lol

    Hugs and Love -
  2. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I'm sending support but will someone fill me in and tell me who Dottie is?
  3. helpangel

    helpangel Active Member

    klmno - thread my adult daughter won't talk to me started back in March (12 pages long at this point)

    Star - thank you it was definitely time to start a new thread

    Dotty :onesmiley1: - sorry I overslept (if caught the thread I started a couple days go its understandable why I'm so tired) so I wasn't first in line to offer support on the new thread but I'm still one of your #1 supporters. There are no quick fixes in the therapy (but you know that) even said so in a couple of your posts, but the point being you are going to therapy and trying to recover. In a couple months I've seen you make more progress on the path to recovery then I did in over a year, you are doing great if you stay on this path.

    To little miss Nasty pants- I almost hope your lurking as a little fly on the wall and really enjoying this path of destruction you caused! Aren't you big and powerful? To be mean to the woman who gave you life and then continue to bully her? Your friends may say they support you but in reality they are probably sitting back wondering how weak you are that the only person you are willing to pick on is your mom? (who loves you too much to just tell you to F-OFF) They are also probably wondering what you are going to do to them now that your mom isn't playing your silly game anymore? You've proven you are weak, cruel & selfish person who gets actual enjoyment in another person's misery; and your friends are probably either trying to break away from you or exactly like you - Carma is not your friend, what goes around comes around honey (speaking of honey I would like to pour some on you and sit you on an anthill)
  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member


    Im sorry Dotty but that other thread got so long that I got lost in it and couldnt keep up with it. Im glad Star started a new one so we could learn what was going on because I had long stopped reading it.

    So you have started therapy? That is very good. Im glad for you. I used to be so against therapy and now I am pro therapy but it has to be the right fit. Unfortunately I cant actually find a therapist that my insurance will pay for anymore. I have no idea what to feel about your daughter so I will wait to read follow ups.
  5. SunnyDay

    SunnyDay New Member

    I found this thread today and can not help but wonder how Dotty is doing? I really feel for her and can totally relate. I found myself in a similar situation. If you read this Dotty, I want to tell you to stop beating yourself up! You did what you felt in your heart was the right thing to do for your child. Your actions were out of love. I have learned as well that no matter my intentions, I cannot change my daughter's mind. I can't make her see the mistakes she is making. She also has chosen her manipulative boyfriend over me and her family. What I have chosen to do is push the birdie out of the nest and let her fly. I emptied her room and now remodeling every space she and the by occupied. You see, I too went back and forth over the last 2 years getting mad and telling her what I thought then apologizing when it was clear she would choose him over us. Finally, I realized I could not live a lie. I could not accept someone in my family who was that wrong on all levels. Looking back, the biggest mistake I made was apologizing and feeling guilty. As a parent we have to do what we feel is right for our children no matter what age they are. If they are adults and don't want to listen, that is their choice, but we do not have to change our own values for theirs. We don't have to compromise our own belief system to keep them. If they are going, they are going to go anyway. I chose to let her go and to move on with my own life. To involve myself with my other children and grandchildren. I also feel a loss, but at the same time, a sense of freedom. Free from lying and pretending to like someone I do not, no longer having to accept someone I don't want in my life. My house feels like a big rain cloud has been lifted. I am free! Don't lose your own self-respect by cowering down and taking all the blame. Let her go and find yourself. Live your life by your own standards and hold your head up high. You did nothing wrong!