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Support or Advice, I just need help. PLEASE!!
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<blockquote data-quote="PinkBanana" data-source="post: 618897" data-attributes="member: 17633"><p>TerryJ2,</p><p></p><p>You may very well be right, about his behaviors being present prior to the addition to our family. Such drastic things began occurring around the time new kids were born, that I have always associated it with that time frame. Also, lots of people, including myself made excuses for him in the beginning. We felt sad for him since his mother abandoned him. I eventually reached a point where I decided that he had been given every opportunity, he had been given love and shown so much kindness, that making excuses for his behavior was only enabling him.</p><p></p><p>I understand focusing on one behavior at a time. This is something I have struggled with for quite some time. I seem to get so overwhelmed by the chaos, that focusing on one behavior becomes short lived. My 10yo son and I just came up with a code word that we can say to each other when we feel like we are losing control of the situation, or we are beginning to lose our temper, the word is "Pink Banana". He came up with it, and so far it has been successful.</p><p></p><p>Luckily he has not been physically violent lately, perhaps because he is on probation still. He does go overboard when rough housing with his brother. My 10yo will typically end up hurt, crying and yelling for his brother to stop, problem is he does not stop when asked to do so. I have told them many times they should not rough house as someone always gets hurt or they end up fighting. </p><p></p><p>So we kind of have that rule in place that if he does XYZ he loses his privileges. My question would be, if he does these things and apologizes as I am taking them away simply because he does not want to lose them, should I still take them. At that point I feel like if I do not take them for at least a little while, he is not learning anything other than that he can behave as he wants and apologize so he does not lose anything and therefore the negative behavior is reinforced. Please let me know your take on this, I have struggled to find anything which is truly effective on him. I try to always be consistent and follow through with the consequences we have in place.</p><p></p><p>He does actually make his own sandwiches (the kitchen does look like it has exploded, lol). So not that situation literally, but things which are simple turn into a negative situation. The following statement you made:</p><p><em>"Praise was the hardest thing for me to do with my son. It seemed like no matter what he did, it was rude, loud, smelly, violent or crazy. But I found things--"Thank you for shutting the door quietly and nicely. I like that." It made a HUGE difference in our ability to communicate with-one another."</em></p><p>I feel this way completely and I think you are on to something here. I will definitely start finding even the smallest of things that I can praise him for.</p><p></p><p>I do believe he knows what he is doing when he urinates on things. I am not quite sure I know what you mean by a sensory issue.?. Part of me thinks he does it sometimes out of laziness, or being to involved in what he is doing. Part of me also thinks that it's how he deals with emotional distress and stressful situations in general (my therapist suggested this and thought it was perhaps something similar to an individual who cuts themselves, it is something they feel in control of). So I recently researched cutting to try and understand that. </p><p></p><p>We did make him help rip out the carpet!</p><p></p><p>His psychiatrist had once thought Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), however when he was in his 3 months of out of home treatment they only diagnosed him with ADHD and Mood Disorder (not otherwise specified). They were looking into Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) and Schizophrenia but our insurance dropped him before anything conclusive came about. The doctors seem to have a very difficult time diagnosing him with anything, perhaps why things have been so difficult and therapy so unsuccessful.</p><p></p><p>Thank you so much for all of advice! I am already feeling a sense of relief and like I am not so alone in the world.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="PinkBanana, post: 618897, member: 17633"] TerryJ2, You may very well be right, about his behaviors being present prior to the addition to our family. Such drastic things began occurring around the time new kids were born, that I have always associated it with that time frame. Also, lots of people, including myself made excuses for him in the beginning. We felt sad for him since his mother abandoned him. I eventually reached a point where I decided that he had been given every opportunity, he had been given love and shown so much kindness, that making excuses for his behavior was only enabling him. I understand focusing on one behavior at a time. This is something I have struggled with for quite some time. I seem to get so overwhelmed by the chaos, that focusing on one behavior becomes short lived. My 10yo son and I just came up with a code word that we can say to each other when we feel like we are losing control of the situation, or we are beginning to lose our temper, the word is "Pink Banana". He came up with it, and so far it has been successful. Luckily he has not been physically violent lately, perhaps because he is on probation still. He does go overboard when rough housing with his brother. My 10yo will typically end up hurt, crying and yelling for his brother to stop, problem is he does not stop when asked to do so. I have told them many times they should not rough house as someone always gets hurt or they end up fighting. So we kind of have that rule in place that if he does XYZ he loses his privileges. My question would be, if he does these things and apologizes as I am taking them away simply because he does not want to lose them, should I still take them. At that point I feel like if I do not take them for at least a little while, he is not learning anything other than that he can behave as he wants and apologize so he does not lose anything and therefore the negative behavior is reinforced. Please let me know your take on this, I have struggled to find anything which is truly effective on him. I try to always be consistent and follow through with the consequences we have in place. He does actually make his own sandwiches (the kitchen does look like it has exploded, lol). So not that situation literally, but things which are simple turn into a negative situation. The following statement you made: [I]"Praise was the hardest thing for me to do with my son. It seemed like no matter what he did, it was rude, loud, smelly, violent or crazy. But I found things--"Thank you for shutting the door quietly and nicely. I like that." It made a HUGE difference in our ability to communicate with-one another."[/I] I feel this way completely and I think you are on to something here. I will definitely start finding even the smallest of things that I can praise him for. I do believe he knows what he is doing when he urinates on things. I am not quite sure I know what you mean by a sensory issue.?. Part of me thinks he does it sometimes out of laziness, or being to involved in what he is doing. Part of me also thinks that it's how he deals with emotional distress and stressful situations in general (my therapist suggested this and thought it was perhaps something similar to an individual who cuts themselves, it is something they feel in control of). So I recently researched cutting to try and understand that. We did make him help rip out the carpet! His psychiatrist had once thought Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), however when he was in his 3 months of out of home treatment they only diagnosed him with ADHD and Mood Disorder (not otherwise specified). They were looking into Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) and Schizophrenia but our insurance dropped him before anything conclusive came about. The doctors seem to have a very difficult time diagnosing him with anything, perhaps why things have been so difficult and therapy so unsuccessful. Thank you so much for all of advice! I am already feeling a sense of relief and like I am not so alone in the world. [/QUOTE]
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