PinkBanana
New Member
I feel perhaps I should start with a bit of background info. I am married for 10.5 years now, when my husband and I moved in together 12.5 years ago his son had just turned 4. His bio mom left when he was 3, and by then had been imprisoned for drugs. I have always thought of him as my son, never treated him as though he was an outsider (I am a step child myself and was treated as one). He was so kind, loving, well behaved and just plain precious. He literally stole my heart! I was in college at the time, but he and his father became my whole life. I taught him to brush his teeth, read, write, everything. When he was about 5.5, (I was pregnant with his little brother) his uncle had a child and we started seeing changes in his behavior. He began to wet the bed, as well as wet his pants at school, both things he had never previously done. We took him to doctors as we were concerned, however nothing was found to be medically wrong with him. Just after he turned 6, his baby brother was born. We did everything we could to involve him, we told him how special he was to us and how special he was to his baby brother. Shortly after his brother was born, he began having bowel movements in his pants, the wetting problem continued as well. As this was new, we again took him to doctors. Again, nothing was found to be medically wrong with him. He became extremely defiant, started having problems in school, teachers kept telling us we should have him checked for ADHD and that he should be medicated. Initially we were against medication and for several years tried everything we could to avoid medicating our son.
By age 8, we could no longer deny it. At bedtime, he would scream and yell for hours. I was unable to put his brother to sleep or go to sleep myself. All day long he fought and argued, destroyed things, lied, the list goes on and on. He held his brother under the water during a bath, it was the last bath they ever took together. He also held a pillow over a 1 year olds face while he was napping (we were babysitting). He seemed to understand what could happen, but did not feel as though them dying was a big deal. He began to see a psychologist, who ran tests, placed him on medications and had regular counseling sessions with him.
By age 10, he was urinating on his bedroom floor, pooping on his blankets and hiding the dirty blankets, turds and soiled clothing throughout his bedroom. He smeared his feces all over his bedroom as well as our bathroom. We tried the night time bed wetting alarm, but he would turn it off, finish wetting his bed and continue sleeping in it. He broke things, stole stuff from us, would hide food in his room which would rot, continually lied about anything and everything, argued constantly, began to be hateful, vindictive and just plain mean.
Age 13, he started to behave somewhat violently. Pulling his fist back at me, throwing breakable things, chasing his brother with steak knives and butcher knives (he thinks this is a funny joke and does not see the harm in it). He took my husbands carpentry tools and hacked up his bed and walls. He spent his nights burning marks into his bed or CD's or whatever else he felt like burning. Not seeming to care that it was not just our family that he could hurt or kill by such dangerous behavior (we live in student housing apartments). He went to live with his grandparents for 3 months. Continued the same behaviors with them, at home and school. They caught him texting lies to his friends that they were beating him up and neglecting him (we dealt with this at home as well). Within 3 weeks he was failing every subject at school, because he lies back and forth between home and school about assignments (we dealt with this at home). Their home began to smell of both urine and feces. At the end of three months, they could no longer deal with his behaviors. He came home. Things got even worse. He laughed in our faces, told us that there was nothing we could do, he could do whatever he wanted.I eventually called the cops on him because I just did not know what to do anymore. He was placed on probation. I had to call the cops on him again, and his school called once on him as well. He held a glass vase over another students head as if he was going to hit him with it and when the teacher caught him, he threatened the teacher with the vase.
At this point, his probation officer and support team with social services sat my husband and I down and told us we either needed to get him into a treatment facility or the state would take him away from us. {When we initially met with the support team, they could not give us any "helpful advice", as in the several years of my sons behaviors we had literally tried everything they had up their sleeves. Things they always recommend parents to try when dealing with such children. Behavioral modification plans, rewarding positive behavior and giving "consequences" not "punishment" for negative behaviors. Therapy, psychiatrists, medication, out-patient intensive therapy, etc, etc, etc. Unfortunately, they told us they did not have anything new for us to try.} At this time, thankfully our insurance covered a mental health treatment facility and he went away for 3 months. Just as he began to make progress, our insurance decided to drop him. We had no choice but to bring him home. He was diagnosed with ADHD and mood disorder not otherwise specified.
He is now 16.5, is again on probation. He treats us with so much disrespect. I cannot leave my kids home alone at ages 10 and 16 for very long, because there is torment and fighting which never seems to stop. My home is chaos. I have been in counseling myself for the past 3 years because I began having panic attacks from all the stressful situations apparently. I take medications for both depression and anxiety. I feel horrible for my youngest son, because he has grown up in a life of complete chaos. He is quite well behaved, no problems in school, works hard to help out at home, is caring and kind. Of course not perfect, as nobody is, nor are they expected to be. However at this point, he too is so frustrated of dealing with his brother. My oldest steals his things, breaks his things, scares him, is mean to him, constantly antagonizes him, he treats him like he is a complete idiot and like everything he says is wrong. Oh wait, he treats me the same way and is slowly beginning to treat his father this way too.
Last weekend we had to pull up his bedroom carpet because the urine smell was so incredibly strong, his carpet was discolored, we had to throw blankets away because they were crusty with urine. This weekend we are tearing out our downstairs living room carpet for the same reasons and throwing out the couch. In the meantime, he thinks he should have his video games back and that he deserves a new phone because he has somehow behaved better recently.
Everything is a fight with him. He never accepts responsibility for anything he does. I am so frustrated with all of his behaviors. I am exhausted. Half the time I have no desire to be around him, he is just so hateful and disrespectful. Yet he thinks we should treat him with the utmost respect, he has a huge sense of entitlement. I am frustrated with myself for feeling this way about my son. My youngest son and I spend a lot of time in our rooms or in my room together just trying to get way from it. My husband is at his wits end too. We do not know what to do anymore. I don't know how much longer I or we can live like this. Home is supposed to be pleasant, your place of peace. The only peace I get is when I am asleep or locked in my bedroom or we are all at school.
Part of me wants to take him to social services and tell them to take over. He does not want to help himself. All of these years, everybody else in his life has fought for him, bent over backwards trying to help him and never does he take the initiative to make any changes in his life. He says he doesn't want to change, what's the point, it's too hard, he just can't do it, it takes too much effort. He thinks we just expect too much of him because our rules are: go to school, do your best in school, treat people with respect, treat others how you would like to be treated, pick up after yourself, do your chores, keep food in the kitchen at the table, use the toilet every time, and to take care of our home and the things that we have.
I am not perfect, I lose my patience, I yell, I try to walk away, he follows me. If I tell him to go to his room he refuses. He is as tall as me and weighs as much as I do, I mean he is 16, it's not like I can pick him hip and put him in his bedroom. So I go to my room. I don't think I am a very good mom for him. I do not know how to handle him. I have read books, done research, tried everything. I cannot get through to him. I worry about what happens to him when he is 18. I love him with all of my heart, but I surely cannot handle him after he can legally be out on his own. I don't think he is capable of being on his own, but I do not have much left in me. He is not my only child.
Any tips, pointers, words of wisdom or encouragement. Anything please! I don't know where to go from here.
By age 8, we could no longer deny it. At bedtime, he would scream and yell for hours. I was unable to put his brother to sleep or go to sleep myself. All day long he fought and argued, destroyed things, lied, the list goes on and on. He held his brother under the water during a bath, it was the last bath they ever took together. He also held a pillow over a 1 year olds face while he was napping (we were babysitting). He seemed to understand what could happen, but did not feel as though them dying was a big deal. He began to see a psychologist, who ran tests, placed him on medications and had regular counseling sessions with him.
By age 10, he was urinating on his bedroom floor, pooping on his blankets and hiding the dirty blankets, turds and soiled clothing throughout his bedroom. He smeared his feces all over his bedroom as well as our bathroom. We tried the night time bed wetting alarm, but he would turn it off, finish wetting his bed and continue sleeping in it. He broke things, stole stuff from us, would hide food in his room which would rot, continually lied about anything and everything, argued constantly, began to be hateful, vindictive and just plain mean.
Age 13, he started to behave somewhat violently. Pulling his fist back at me, throwing breakable things, chasing his brother with steak knives and butcher knives (he thinks this is a funny joke and does not see the harm in it). He took my husbands carpentry tools and hacked up his bed and walls. He spent his nights burning marks into his bed or CD's or whatever else he felt like burning. Not seeming to care that it was not just our family that he could hurt or kill by such dangerous behavior (we live in student housing apartments). He went to live with his grandparents for 3 months. Continued the same behaviors with them, at home and school. They caught him texting lies to his friends that they were beating him up and neglecting him (we dealt with this at home as well). Within 3 weeks he was failing every subject at school, because he lies back and forth between home and school about assignments (we dealt with this at home). Their home began to smell of both urine and feces. At the end of three months, they could no longer deal with his behaviors. He came home. Things got even worse. He laughed in our faces, told us that there was nothing we could do, he could do whatever he wanted.I eventually called the cops on him because I just did not know what to do anymore. He was placed on probation. I had to call the cops on him again, and his school called once on him as well. He held a glass vase over another students head as if he was going to hit him with it and when the teacher caught him, he threatened the teacher with the vase.
At this point, his probation officer and support team with social services sat my husband and I down and told us we either needed to get him into a treatment facility or the state would take him away from us. {When we initially met with the support team, they could not give us any "helpful advice", as in the several years of my sons behaviors we had literally tried everything they had up their sleeves. Things they always recommend parents to try when dealing with such children. Behavioral modification plans, rewarding positive behavior and giving "consequences" not "punishment" for negative behaviors. Therapy, psychiatrists, medication, out-patient intensive therapy, etc, etc, etc. Unfortunately, they told us they did not have anything new for us to try.} At this time, thankfully our insurance covered a mental health treatment facility and he went away for 3 months. Just as he began to make progress, our insurance decided to drop him. We had no choice but to bring him home. He was diagnosed with ADHD and mood disorder not otherwise specified.
He is now 16.5, is again on probation. He treats us with so much disrespect. I cannot leave my kids home alone at ages 10 and 16 for very long, because there is torment and fighting which never seems to stop. My home is chaos. I have been in counseling myself for the past 3 years because I began having panic attacks from all the stressful situations apparently. I take medications for both depression and anxiety. I feel horrible for my youngest son, because he has grown up in a life of complete chaos. He is quite well behaved, no problems in school, works hard to help out at home, is caring and kind. Of course not perfect, as nobody is, nor are they expected to be. However at this point, he too is so frustrated of dealing with his brother. My oldest steals his things, breaks his things, scares him, is mean to him, constantly antagonizes him, he treats him like he is a complete idiot and like everything he says is wrong. Oh wait, he treats me the same way and is slowly beginning to treat his father this way too.
Last weekend we had to pull up his bedroom carpet because the urine smell was so incredibly strong, his carpet was discolored, we had to throw blankets away because they were crusty with urine. This weekend we are tearing out our downstairs living room carpet for the same reasons and throwing out the couch. In the meantime, he thinks he should have his video games back and that he deserves a new phone because he has somehow behaved better recently.
Everything is a fight with him. He never accepts responsibility for anything he does. I am so frustrated with all of his behaviors. I am exhausted. Half the time I have no desire to be around him, he is just so hateful and disrespectful. Yet he thinks we should treat him with the utmost respect, he has a huge sense of entitlement. I am frustrated with myself for feeling this way about my son. My youngest son and I spend a lot of time in our rooms or in my room together just trying to get way from it. My husband is at his wits end too. We do not know what to do anymore. I don't know how much longer I or we can live like this. Home is supposed to be pleasant, your place of peace. The only peace I get is when I am asleep or locked in my bedroom or we are all at school.
Part of me wants to take him to social services and tell them to take over. He does not want to help himself. All of these years, everybody else in his life has fought for him, bent over backwards trying to help him and never does he take the initiative to make any changes in his life. He says he doesn't want to change, what's the point, it's too hard, he just can't do it, it takes too much effort. He thinks we just expect too much of him because our rules are: go to school, do your best in school, treat people with respect, treat others how you would like to be treated, pick up after yourself, do your chores, keep food in the kitchen at the table, use the toilet every time, and to take care of our home and the things that we have.
I am not perfect, I lose my patience, I yell, I try to walk away, he follows me. If I tell him to go to his room he refuses. He is as tall as me and weighs as much as I do, I mean he is 16, it's not like I can pick him hip and put him in his bedroom. So I go to my room. I don't think I am a very good mom for him. I do not know how to handle him. I have read books, done research, tried everything. I cannot get through to him. I worry about what happens to him when he is 18. I love him with all of my heart, but I surely cannot handle him after he can legally be out on his own. I don't think he is capable of being on his own, but I do not have much left in me. He is not my only child.
Any tips, pointers, words of wisdom or encouragement. Anything please! I don't know where to go from here.