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Support or Advice, I just need help. PLEASE!!
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 618934" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Hi Pink, to try to answer your question, I can't give you a specific way I have/am stopping this incessant thinking about why? </p><p></p><p>I have done a lot of work in Al-Anon and otherwise about acceptance. I think moving toward acceptance of "what is" and getting past "why" and the need to understand is a process and part of the whole recovery piece/journey that WE are trying to do as we stop enabling our difficult children.</p><p></p><p>My MO has ALWAYS been to solve a problem, you must first master the problem, and to master a problem, you must understand the problem and its potential solutions. So (lol), when I realized my husband (now ex) was an alcoholic (very high functioning, binge, so it was hard to identify and realize), that was just another problem to solve. </p><p></p><p>I ordered dozens of books about alcoholism, brain chemistry, yada, yada, yada, and would read incessantly about it. Sometimes I stayed up all night reading about it (couldn't sleep anyway). I was obsessed. I was crazier than he was. I knew more about HIS disease than HE did. Funny now, thinking back. But that was the way I had ALWAYS handled problems, to spring into research mode and then ACTION! Get it done! Get it solved! Get it behind me! Move on to the next mountain to conquer! </p><p></p><p>Very definitive step by step process and guess what? It had always worked pretty darn well for me. And why wouldn't it work now?</p><p></p><p>BUT...I had never realized that it doesn't work with people and relationships. I have learned it doesn't. Any of them. And especially addicts and addiction.</p><p></p><p>So then what? Then we do the hard work of detachment, and as we make progress here, we learn humility, acceptance, patience, maturity, respect, compassion...all of the things our difficult children must also learn to be healthy, strong, fully functioning adults. </p><p></p><p>We have lots of similarities with them, and our behavior can be just as dangerous to ourselves and to other people. I also have realized that, and that is humbling and life-changing.</p><p></p><p>Hey, Pink, sometimes it's not about being smarter and "getting a handle" on something. Sometimes, it's about stepping back, admitting we can't solve it, and letting our Higher Power (whatever that may be to each of us) do the work. </p><p></p><p>In fact, the more we learn, the more we realize that's really the only healthy way to live.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 618934, member: 17542"] Hi Pink, to try to answer your question, I can't give you a specific way I have/am stopping this incessant thinking about why? I have done a lot of work in Al-Anon and otherwise about acceptance. I think moving toward acceptance of "what is" and getting past "why" and the need to understand is a process and part of the whole recovery piece/journey that WE are trying to do as we stop enabling our difficult children. My MO has ALWAYS been to solve a problem, you must first master the problem, and to master a problem, you must understand the problem and its potential solutions. So (lol), when I realized my husband (now ex) was an alcoholic (very high functioning, binge, so it was hard to identify and realize), that was just another problem to solve. I ordered dozens of books about alcoholism, brain chemistry, yada, yada, yada, and would read incessantly about it. Sometimes I stayed up all night reading about it (couldn't sleep anyway). I was obsessed. I was crazier than he was. I knew more about HIS disease than HE did. Funny now, thinking back. But that was the way I had ALWAYS handled problems, to spring into research mode and then ACTION! Get it done! Get it solved! Get it behind me! Move on to the next mountain to conquer! Very definitive step by step process and guess what? It had always worked pretty darn well for me. And why wouldn't it work now? BUT...I had never realized that it doesn't work with people and relationships. I have learned it doesn't. Any of them. And especially addicts and addiction. So then what? Then we do the hard work of detachment, and as we make progress here, we learn humility, acceptance, patience, maturity, respect, compassion...all of the things our difficult children must also learn to be healthy, strong, fully functioning adults. We have lots of similarities with them, and our behavior can be just as dangerous to ourselves and to other people. I also have realized that, and that is humbling and life-changing. Hey, Pink, sometimes it's not about being smarter and "getting a handle" on something. Sometimes, it's about stepping back, admitting we can't solve it, and letting our Higher Power (whatever that may be to each of us) do the work. In fact, the more we learn, the more we realize that's really the only healthy way to live. [/QUOTE]
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