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Parent Emeritus
Surely his demise can't be far away? Sorry, VERY long!
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 656038" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>I am glad you feel better this morning. You are doing so well with something so impossibly hard! </p><p></p><p>I am concerned about you. The emphasis in the paragraph I've quoted is on your son, blackgnat. I like that you are putting responsibility for his choices and their consequences on him.</p><p></p><p>I like that part.</p><p></p><p>But blackgnat, you are like me. We are not so able to say no, or to put ourselves first. (Or ever.) In a kinder world, our sons would have grown into men who would protect their sweet, trending toward innocent mothers and then, into men who would treat their wives the same way. But that is not what happened to our sons, blackgnat. Instead, our sons have been twisted into their darkest shadow selves by the addiction that has them in its teeth. They use the way we love them to manipulate us into enabling, instead.</p><p></p><p>And we are defenseless.</p><p></p><p>I think they may not be able to help themselves.</p><p></p><p>Addiction is a terrible, destructive thing.</p><p></p><p>When they are using (or when my daughter was in such a terrible position), it is very much as though the son or daughter we believe is in there somewhere, and with whom we hold faith, has been kidnapped and brainwashed. That son you love (or either of the children I love) is being held hostage by something we don't understand. </p><p></p><p>I am so sorry this happened to your son.</p><p></p><p>But you are like me. We are going to have to go almost word for word ~ like the women on the site did for me, when I first came here ~ for you to be able to say no to your son without destroying yourself. That person who could not face herself down to stand up to her son in the Parent Emeritus archives is me, blackgnat.</p><p></p><p>I am very concerned for you.</p><p></p><p>It was a very hard thing for me to understand how it could be a right thing, not to help. It wasn't until SWOT posted about verbally abusive kids ~ and that was years later ~ that I could see what my son was doing. Intimidating me, tricking me, manipulating me, making me feel awful. I could not believe that of him. I would not allow myself to believe it.</p><p></p><p>But that is what was happening to me.</p><p></p><p>As our Seeking Strength says, stay close to the site, during this time.</p><p></p><p>Are you attending Al-Anon or NAMI meetings, blackgnat? Other parents ~ even a pastor or priest ~ is not likely to be able to counsel you through this as well as a group of parents who are coping with what is happening to their children the same way you are coping with what is happening to your son.</p><p></p><p>It's that hard.</p><p></p><p>Would you like to post about how to stay present during what will be a phone call, or some other contact, designed to break through your defenses? Saying no is hard enough, but living with myself afterwords ~ that nearly killed me. It tore me apart inside, to be that mother. It went against everything I believed in, to turn him away or even, to believe the things my D H was telling me about our own son.</p><p></p><p>Or our daughter.</p><p></p><p>Really slowly, with almost verbatim help from the moms on the site, I was able, finally, to begin telling my son to stand up, telling him he was raised better. Then, I said "no money". And I really did suffer through every bit of it. I learned to take care of myself, here on the site. Without it, without the other parents here, I would never have come to understand how to do this, how to live with myself as the mom I have to be, to make a difference for my kids.</p><p></p><p>But both my kids stood up, blackgnat.</p><p></p><p>They stood up, and they are still standing.</p><p></p><p>I'm sure it doesn't work that way every time. I know some of us do lose our children. But it is the addiction that is killing them. Child of Mine posts that addiction is a terminal disease. I believe that with all my heart. If we are going to save them blackgnat, we need to change our behaviors. I think it might be impossible for an addicted person to change theirs.</p><p></p><p>So, that only leaves us, if we are hoping to make a difference, here.</p><p></p><p>I had to stop being the confidant to either of my children and then, to one of my grands. I reached for and found the right words: "I love you too much to help you destroy yourself or to watch you do it. You were raised better. I expect you to stand up. I expect you to be the man your father and I raised you to be."</p><p></p><p>We have been where you are, blackgnat. Some of us stronger, some of us (who shall remain nameless, but it is me) not so strong, even today.</p><p></p><p>But we got me through it blackgnat, and we can get you through it, too.</p><p></p><p>How are you cherishing yourself through this time, blackgnat? Please review the paragraph I've quoted, only ask the questions or make the statements this time from your perspective as your own protector, as your own cherisher. </p><p></p><p>That will be a beginning.</p><p></p><p>None of this is easy.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 656038, member: 17461"] I am glad you feel better this morning. You are doing so well with something so impossibly hard! I am concerned about you. The emphasis in the paragraph I've quoted is on your son, blackgnat. I like that you are putting responsibility for his choices and their consequences on him. I like that part. But blackgnat, you are like me. We are not so able to say no, or to put ourselves first. (Or ever.) In a kinder world, our sons would have grown into men who would protect their sweet, trending toward innocent mothers and then, into men who would treat their wives the same way. But that is not what happened to our sons, blackgnat. Instead, our sons have been twisted into their darkest shadow selves by the addiction that has them in its teeth. They use the way we love them to manipulate us into enabling, instead. And we are defenseless. I think they may not be able to help themselves. Addiction is a terrible, destructive thing. When they are using (or when my daughter was in such a terrible position), it is very much as though the son or daughter we believe is in there somewhere, and with whom we hold faith, has been kidnapped and brainwashed. That son you love (or either of the children I love) is being held hostage by something we don't understand. I am so sorry this happened to your son. But you are like me. We are going to have to go almost word for word ~ like the women on the site did for me, when I first came here ~ for you to be able to say no to your son without destroying yourself. That person who could not face herself down to stand up to her son in the Parent Emeritus archives is me, blackgnat. I am very concerned for you. It was a very hard thing for me to understand how it could be a right thing, not to help. It wasn't until SWOT posted about verbally abusive kids ~ and that was years later ~ that I could see what my son was doing. Intimidating me, tricking me, manipulating me, making me feel awful. I could not believe that of him. I would not allow myself to believe it. But that is what was happening to me. As our Seeking Strength says, stay close to the site, during this time. Are you attending Al-Anon or NAMI meetings, blackgnat? Other parents ~ even a pastor or priest ~ is not likely to be able to counsel you through this as well as a group of parents who are coping with what is happening to their children the same way you are coping with what is happening to your son. It's that hard. Would you like to post about how to stay present during what will be a phone call, or some other contact, designed to break through your defenses? Saying no is hard enough, but living with myself afterwords ~ that nearly killed me. It tore me apart inside, to be that mother. It went against everything I believed in, to turn him away or even, to believe the things my D H was telling me about our own son. Or our daughter. Really slowly, with almost verbatim help from the moms on the site, I was able, finally, to begin telling my son to stand up, telling him he was raised better. Then, I said "no money". And I really did suffer through every bit of it. I learned to take care of myself, here on the site. Without it, without the other parents here, I would never have come to understand how to do this, how to live with myself as the mom I have to be, to make a difference for my kids. But both my kids stood up, blackgnat. They stood up, and they are still standing. I'm sure it doesn't work that way every time. I know some of us do lose our children. But it is the addiction that is killing them. Child of Mine posts that addiction is a terminal disease. I believe that with all my heart. If we are going to save them blackgnat, we need to change our behaviors. I think it might be impossible for an addicted person to change theirs. So, that only leaves us, if we are hoping to make a difference, here. I had to stop being the confidant to either of my children and then, to one of my grands. I reached for and found the right words: "I love you too much to help you destroy yourself or to watch you do it. You were raised better. I expect you to stand up. I expect you to be the man your father and I raised you to be." We have been where you are, blackgnat. Some of us stronger, some of us (who shall remain nameless, but it is me) not so strong, even today. But we got me through it blackgnat, and we can get you through it, too. How are you cherishing yourself through this time, blackgnat? Please review the paragraph I've quoted, only ask the questions or make the statements this time from your perspective as your own protector, as your own cherisher. That will be a beginning. None of this is easy. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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