Some of you have read my threads about my son in Colorado. I'm not sure if I can get the links to them, if anyone wants to see the backstory... He is 26-spent 25th and 26th birthdays in jail. Has been in CO for about 16 months and has spent about 13 of those in jail, just going back and forth, violating probation by drinking and drugging and getting picked up for having dirty drug tests, etc. He got out on April 26th-got an incredible deal-has the luck of the devil-got a release, with NO probation, no requirements to check in with mental health or take random drug tests, can leave the state, etc. Amazing. He was willing to go to prison for 1-3 years if the judge gave him no parole. Maybe they just didn't know what the hell to do with him anymore, but he's pretty much a free agent. I talked to him in jail a couple of days before his release-he was happy at the idea of getting out, but began to express fears that he would just drink again. I said he didn't have to. He was offered a bed at the homeless shelter upon his release, but was in a bad temper and told the guy "Give it to someone else, I'll be drunk by then". The guy knew he was rattled and came back a few days later with the same offer and this time he took it (I had told him to take it so he had somewhere to sleep-he didn't have to stay there indefinitely, but it was better to have and don't need, than need and don't have). He went to his father's apartment when he got out and stayed the night. I had a nice long talk with him and his brother. Difficult Child was full of optimism and plans. Said he was certain he had a job at a car wash. Long story short, it was bull. He went to the liquor store the next day, then to stay overnight with a friend. Never took the shelter bed. His exgf's mother took him to a detox facility after he turned up at my ex's apartment a couple of days later (my ex will not let him stay there if he's drinking) and he stayed there overnight. Went back to my ex's upon his release and left early next day, saying that now he was 2 days sober, he could "focus more and make plans". Got paid by the state on May 2nd. Today my ex discovers that, two days later, he only has 0.84 cents left of the $200 bucks. He shows up , a little fuzzy this morning, sporting a limp. The limp is because he just walked around all night, wallet in his sock-got blisters. He told exgf's mother (who is always there to help him) that he had gone somewhere else and got on the wrong bus home. So he lied to her about where he had been, but he did confess that he had been using crystal meth. My ex dropped him off with a cardboard sign this morning. So now he is out of money, using drugs and I imagine will probably just get enough money to buy some booze. He WILL and has done in the past, prostituted himself for money-he is bisexual. My ex just texted me to say "Maybe we are being selfish-he is our son and we want him to be alive, but maybe that's just too much for him to handle." I'm starting to agree-he REALLY WILL NOT HELP HIMSELF. The regularity and consistency of his doing this is just absurd. There really is no solution to this problem except to let him die. He will be one of those wretched souls who is filthy, matted, malnourished, etc. rambling and crazy with his substance abuse and mental illness. Maybe beaten and robbed, overdosed, stabbed. The list goes on. I think I have come to a place of acceptance but it's like I have no connection to him any more. I think he is empty and has been for a long time. I know these are his choices. Guiltily, as I said in another post, I am so glad he's not around me, that I don't have to witness this horror, because I've been there, done that. But not to this extent, where I feel there is NO HOPE FOR HIM. And on one level, I am absolutely dead in the head. Like, when I get the phone call, I don't even know if I will feel anything. If I will even cry. If that makes sense. Have I also become a monster, a shell, soulless? I haven't seen him since last July and was planning a visit when the school year finishes. Is he going to be dead by then and I just have to say, "Yeah, I had a son that I didn't see for a year and then he died"? When there's nothing you can do any longer, is that just being cowardly? Have you just thrown in the towel? Become so immune to the madness that you don't give a rat's arse anymore? Because it's just business as usual? How can I live with that? I know the answer...his choices. Did everything I could and nothing helped. Thanks for letting me vent and thank you if you've made it this far. Not really sure what I'm asking for, just giving an update to all who have been so kind and supportive on here. Sigh.