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Surely his demise can't be far away? Sorry, VERY long!
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 656073" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Hi Blackgnat</p><p></p><p>I am pretty new here and have been suffering too. Pretty quickly I became clear that my son's life was his responsibility, his decision; he would save himself, if he wanted to, his choice. I saw clearly, after a time, that anything I did to help, made it worse.</p><p></p><p>What has been harder to do, is to deal with the emotional side of things. Constant worries about him, what will happen, what won't happen.</p><p></p><p>I had pretty much given up on living myself. I had been living vicariously my son's life, neglecting myself, because I was so worried. I guess I felt, too, it was all my fault.</p><p></p><p>I have come to understand that this is wrong on so many levels. In fact, I see that my thinking and acting has been just as disordered as his.</p><p></p><p>If I do not get dressed, mope, neglect my mate and my health, lose hope, do not meet my responsibilities...set aside my profession, not use my talents or abilities, who is the deadbeat here?</p><p></p><p>I am doing what I deplore in my child: quitting, shirking responsibility, drama, acting the martyr. All qualities I judge harshly--in him. This is laziness of the highest order.</p><p></p><p>So why am I going on and on about myself in your thread?</p><p></p><p>Because I believe we do not let go of this emotional bond....to punish ourselves. It is if we are saying: I will give you MYSELF as hostage ...if you spare my child.</p><p></p><p>In a primitive way we are trying to bargain for our children...</p><p></p><p>Rationally, I know this does not make sense: I can sacrifice myself...and there will be two broken lives. Rationally I know that no suffering of mine, will change anything for my boy.</p><p></p><p>Still, we resist breaking this emotional bond with our children, even to save our own lives...because it feels to be our last hope <em>for them. But this is not true.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>I am learning that each of us has the right...to choose to live...well. And that I am giving up on my son...if I do not have hope...that he will step up.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p>How was it that I did not recognize this, until now?</p><p></p><p>On another thread, a mother has told us of her son's violence in her home, and of her terror...of her child.</p><p></p><p>I recounted an incident a few years ago where my son destroyed several bicycles in our garage.</p><p></p><p>What I did not write is this: My then 22 year old son had suffered a serious brain injury. I was desperate that he not ride his bike in the few days after he returned from the hospital, when he was at risk of seizures and when re-injury would be so dangerous.</p><p></p><p>We locked his bicycle. In turn, he destroyed our bikes.</p><p></p><p>Until today, I had not seen how inappropriate had been my actions toward my son. If he could not live in my home respecting my wishes, he could leave, brain injury or no.</p><p></p><p>He was by then, a man. He could choose himself, for himself...but not in my home.</p><p></p><p>Only now do I see how I infantilized my son, while complaining of his immaturity, hundreds and hundreds of times.</p><p></p><p>Over and over I chose for myself. And each time I did so, I deprived my son of the ability to grow up and to grow up well.</p><p></p><p>If I continue to hang on to my dread for him...I am actually committing myself to the idea...that he cannot do it, that he cannot mature, perhaps, even that he cannot live. What I am really saying...when I do not let go of my dread...is that I am without hope and confidence in my son.</p><p></p><p>I realize now that detaching emotionally from my son does not mean that I do not love him or that I see no way to help him or that I do not want to help him. It means that I believe he can and should do for himself and that I respect and love him enough to allow him to do so.</p><p></p><p>What it means is that I will allow him to step up (or not) to be a man. His choice. Not mine.</p><p></p><p>My despair was inappropriate and wrong. I am wrong. I pray that it is not to late.</p><p></p><p>Better my concern be about my own poor choices...most of all scapegoating my son and holding him responsible for my despair, not finding a way forward myself, for myself.</p><p></p><p>Another time I will write about what I think it is in me that has made it hard for me to hold onto hope for my son. </p><p></p><p>Copa</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 656073, member: 18958"] Hi Blackgnat I am pretty new here and have been suffering too. Pretty quickly I became clear that my son's life was his responsibility, his decision; he would save himself, if he wanted to, his choice. I saw clearly, after a time, that anything I did to help, made it worse. What has been harder to do, is to deal with the emotional side of things. Constant worries about him, what will happen, what won't happen. I had pretty much given up on living myself. I had been living vicariously my son's life, neglecting myself, because I was so worried. I guess I felt, too, it was all my fault. I have come to understand that this is wrong on so many levels. In fact, I see that my thinking and acting has been just as disordered as his. If I do not get dressed, mope, neglect my mate and my health, lose hope, do not meet my responsibilities...set aside my profession, not use my talents or abilities, who is the deadbeat here? I am doing what I deplore in my child: quitting, shirking responsibility, drama, acting the martyr. All qualities I judge harshly--in him. This is laziness of the highest order. So why am I going on and on about myself in your thread? Because I believe we do not let go of this emotional bond....to punish ourselves. It is if we are saying: I will give you MYSELF as hostage ...if you spare my child. In a primitive way we are trying to bargain for our children... Rationally, I know this does not make sense: I can sacrifice myself...and there will be two broken lives. Rationally I know that no suffering of mine, will change anything for my boy. Still, we resist breaking this emotional bond with our children, even to save our own lives...because it feels to be our last hope [I]for them. But this is not true. I am learning that each of us has the right...to choose to live...well. And that I am giving up on my son...if I do not have hope...that he will step up. [/I] How was it that I did not recognize this, until now? On another thread, a mother has told us of her son's violence in her home, and of her terror...of her child. I recounted an incident a few years ago where my son destroyed several bicycles in our garage. What I did not write is this: My then 22 year old son had suffered a serious brain injury. I was desperate that he not ride his bike in the few days after he returned from the hospital, when he was at risk of seizures and when re-injury would be so dangerous. We locked his bicycle. In turn, he destroyed our bikes. Until today, I had not seen how inappropriate had been my actions toward my son. If he could not live in my home respecting my wishes, he could leave, brain injury or no. He was by then, a man. He could choose himself, for himself...but not in my home. Only now do I see how I infantilized my son, while complaining of his immaturity, hundreds and hundreds of times. Over and over I chose for myself. And each time I did so, I deprived my son of the ability to grow up and to grow up well. If I continue to hang on to my dread for him...I am actually committing myself to the idea...that he cannot do it, that he cannot mature, perhaps, even that he cannot live. What I am really saying...when I do not let go of my dread...is that I am without hope and confidence in my son. I realize now that detaching emotionally from my son does not mean that I do not love him or that I see no way to help him or that I do not want to help him. It means that I believe he can and should do for himself and that I respect and love him enough to allow him to do so. What it means is that I will allow him to step up (or not) to be a man. His choice. Not mine. My despair was inappropriate and wrong. I am wrong. I pray that it is not to late. Better my concern be about my own poor choices...most of all scapegoating my son and holding him responsible for my despair, not finding a way forward myself, for myself. Another time I will write about what I think it is in me that has made it hard for me to hold onto hope for my son. Copa [/QUOTE]
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Surely his demise can't be far away? Sorry, VERY long!
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