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Surely his demise can't be far away? Sorry, VERY long!
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<blockquote data-quote="blackgnat" data-source="post: 656111" data-attributes="member: 13561"><p>Wow! What amazing posts, Cedar and Copa. I can tell you that you are incredibly perceptive and you got me pegged!</p><p></p><p>It's SO hard for me to put myself first-I don't even know if I know how to do that. It's not like I'm Mother Teresa, it's just I'm used to thinking about other people-does this mean I don't like myself very much? I AM in therapy, but obviously still have a LONG way to go. Ugh, it's exhausting.</p><p></p><p>As much as I feel I can level with my Difficult Child, I also know that I would NOT ask him to leave my house if it were raining, etc., as my ex has had the strength to do. Having said that, I have told him in no uncertain terms that he will NEVER live with me again and I do mean that. But having him 1,000 miles away is a wonderful thing- but, is that just because I'm too cowardly to be able to say no to him?</p><p></p><p>I have had YEARS of this and at its very worst, I was very strong but I feel like I have relapsed, with him being so far away. When it's not in my face, I kind of revert to fixer mode. When I was last in CO, we were together every day and things started to slip into the usual roles. We BOTH said, within minutes of each other, "I'm not comfortable with this and we need to distance ourselves again". So on one level, we are aware of things sliding back and I don't think either of us wants that...until he wants to have some unhealthy need met, that is...</p><p></p><p>Again, it's so circular with me. I have to keep drilling the mantra of "HIS CHOICES" into my head. That's the only thing that sustains me when I'm down about the spectacular failure that is his life.</p><p></p><p>He called yesterday from jail (I'm always delighted when he gets jailed-he is at least housed and fed) and I asked him "What was your plan when you got out? What happened to the bed that you had reserved in the shelter and the job at the car wash?" He replied, "Well, my plan was to drink myself to death". My gallows humour took over and I said, "But that could take YEARS!" It just slipped out, haha.</p><p></p><p>What kind of stupid plan is that?</p><p></p><p>He will be out next Friday, so the games will no doubt resume...</p><p></p><p>The other day when I was so down about it all, I texted a friend and told him how I was just allowing the feelings to surface and feel them, instead of pushing them away. How I felt sad about the death of hope and dreams for my son. His reply was, "Yeah, but it's not making any difference, is it?" And I thought, yeah, dude you are right-nothing I'm feeling changes a stinking thing. That's when I decided to go to the store for some cake and eat it all. I sat out on my balcony with a cuppa (I'm English, so tea is the day's lifeblood), a great book and my cake. All was right with the world again-MY world, that is.</p><p></p><p>So maybe I DO know how to take care of myself?</p><p></p><p>As always, I will re-read these posts and incredible words of wisdom and absorb them. Maybe I'm just a slow learner, but believe me, everything on this board is digested and stored and revered.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="blackgnat, post: 656111, member: 13561"] Wow! What amazing posts, Cedar and Copa. I can tell you that you are incredibly perceptive and you got me pegged! It's SO hard for me to put myself first-I don't even know if I know how to do that. It's not like I'm Mother Teresa, it's just I'm used to thinking about other people-does this mean I don't like myself very much? I AM in therapy, but obviously still have a LONG way to go. Ugh, it's exhausting. As much as I feel I can level with my Difficult Child, I also know that I would NOT ask him to leave my house if it were raining, etc., as my ex has had the strength to do. Having said that, I have told him in no uncertain terms that he will NEVER live with me again and I do mean that. But having him 1,000 miles away is a wonderful thing- but, is that just because I'm too cowardly to be able to say no to him? I have had YEARS of this and at its very worst, I was very strong but I feel like I have relapsed, with him being so far away. When it's not in my face, I kind of revert to fixer mode. When I was last in CO, we were together every day and things started to slip into the usual roles. We BOTH said, within minutes of each other, "I'm not comfortable with this and we need to distance ourselves again". So on one level, we are aware of things sliding back and I don't think either of us wants that...until he wants to have some unhealthy need met, that is... Again, it's so circular with me. I have to keep drilling the mantra of "HIS CHOICES" into my head. That's the only thing that sustains me when I'm down about the spectacular failure that is his life. He called yesterday from jail (I'm always delighted when he gets jailed-he is at least housed and fed) and I asked him "What was your plan when you got out? What happened to the bed that you had reserved in the shelter and the job at the car wash?" He replied, "Well, my plan was to drink myself to death". My gallows humour took over and I said, "But that could take YEARS!" It just slipped out, haha. What kind of stupid plan is that? He will be out next Friday, so the games will no doubt resume... The other day when I was so down about it all, I texted a friend and told him how I was just allowing the feelings to surface and feel them, instead of pushing them away. How I felt sad about the death of hope and dreams for my son. His reply was, "Yeah, but it's not making any difference, is it?" And I thought, yeah, dude you are right-nothing I'm feeling changes a stinking thing. That's when I decided to go to the store for some cake and eat it all. I sat out on my balcony with a cuppa (I'm English, so tea is the day's lifeblood), a great book and my cake. All was right with the world again-MY world, that is. So maybe I DO know how to take care of myself? As always, I will re-read these posts and incredible words of wisdom and absorb them. Maybe I'm just a slow learner, but believe me, everything on this board is digested and stored and revered. [/QUOTE]
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Surely his demise can't be far away? Sorry, VERY long!
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