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Talked to husband last night. Ideas? Thoughts? Am I expecting too much?
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<blockquote data-quote="idohope" data-source="post: 419202" data-attributes="member: 7722"><p>Good luck, Shari. There are a lot of similarities between your house and mine. husband and I have tried counseling three times. We have been going to the 3rd for about 1.5 years. It is a long hard haul to get him to see what needs to be done and for him to step up and do it. Part of it is that he feels that he does more than most men with the kids. (Although he seems to miss the fact that I am the major wage earner in the family and the primary caregiver for the kids) And he does drive them around in their evening activies but is mostly a Disney Dad. If he is left alone with them on the weekend he lays on the couch napping while the youngest watches tv or takes them to Chucky Cheese or something. He can not manage the kids and do laundry or house chores but also needs to have time on his own and 3 hours of TV each night. He is totally frustrated by clutter in the house but cannot tell the kids to pick up their stuff. It requires too much effort to get kids away from computer etc to do a chore. His solution is to throw things that are not his out when no one else is around and hope they dont notice. </p><p> After all this time I understand some of my husbands whys. He is overwhelmed by a house with 3 kids including a difficult child. He likely has ADD. There are issues of my being controlling and he being very conflict adverse. But a large component of it is his central focus on himself and a lack of care of what is important to me. </p><p> If it is close to dinner time and he is hungry then he fixes something for himself. He will feed the youngest child but otherwise will say they are old enough to ask for food if they are hungry. It would never occur to him to provide a family meal at one time. Even if I am home he might cook something but not tell me that it is ready (e.g. if I am upstairs). This is despite how often we have spoken about how important it is to me to sit down as a family to eat when we are all home. And I think this is not done out of spite. I think in some ways he is just oblivious. He was hungry why wouldnt he eat. But at some point there needs to be a recognition of what is hurtful to someone who is supposed to be your partner in life.</p><p> My husband also has anger issues (verbal not physical) and I now know that I have bent too much and taken on too much in the house to avoid his anger at myself and at the kids. I am working with my own therapist on this. </p><p> I dont know where things will go with my husband and myself. I feel that we are essentially divorced and living in the same house. But I do need to know that I have done everything that I can before I divorce him. I am worried about the impact on the kids and feel strongly about the sanctity of marriage but do worry about the example that I am setting for the kids as well. So we will see how the counseling goes. The last year has focused mostly on dealing with difficult child and we are finally turning to issues closer to me and him. Like with a difficult child, counseling between spouses can take time I believe. I also think, Shari, that if all possible you should work with a therapist for you. So you have someone in your corner, figuring out what is right for you and helping you to do what you need to for you.</p><p> I dont think you are expecting too much but it may be more than your husband can give or more than he can give right now or more than he can give until you have both been through a lot of counseling you have hard decisions to make.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="idohope, post: 419202, member: 7722"] Good luck, Shari. There are a lot of similarities between your house and mine. husband and I have tried counseling three times. We have been going to the 3rd for about 1.5 years. It is a long hard haul to get him to see what needs to be done and for him to step up and do it. Part of it is that he feels that he does more than most men with the kids. (Although he seems to miss the fact that I am the major wage earner in the family and the primary caregiver for the kids) And he does drive them around in their evening activies but is mostly a Disney Dad. If he is left alone with them on the weekend he lays on the couch napping while the youngest watches tv or takes them to Chucky Cheese or something. He can not manage the kids and do laundry or house chores but also needs to have time on his own and 3 hours of TV each night. He is totally frustrated by clutter in the house but cannot tell the kids to pick up their stuff. It requires too much effort to get kids away from computer etc to do a chore. His solution is to throw things that are not his out when no one else is around and hope they dont notice. After all this time I understand some of my husbands whys. He is overwhelmed by a house with 3 kids including a difficult child. He likely has ADD. There are issues of my being controlling and he being very conflict adverse. But a large component of it is his central focus on himself and a lack of care of what is important to me. If it is close to dinner time and he is hungry then he fixes something for himself. He will feed the youngest child but otherwise will say they are old enough to ask for food if they are hungry. It would never occur to him to provide a family meal at one time. Even if I am home he might cook something but not tell me that it is ready (e.g. if I am upstairs). This is despite how often we have spoken about how important it is to me to sit down as a family to eat when we are all home. And I think this is not done out of spite. I think in some ways he is just oblivious. He was hungry why wouldnt he eat. But at some point there needs to be a recognition of what is hurtful to someone who is supposed to be your partner in life. My husband also has anger issues (verbal not physical) and I now know that I have bent too much and taken on too much in the house to avoid his anger at myself and at the kids. I am working with my own therapist on this. I dont know where things will go with my husband and myself. I feel that we are essentially divorced and living in the same house. But I do need to know that I have done everything that I can before I divorce him. I am worried about the impact on the kids and feel strongly about the sanctity of marriage but do worry about the example that I am setting for the kids as well. So we will see how the counseling goes. The last year has focused mostly on dealing with difficult child and we are finally turning to issues closer to me and him. Like with a difficult child, counseling between spouses can take time I believe. I also think, Shari, that if all possible you should work with a therapist for you. So you have someone in your corner, figuring out what is right for you and helping you to do what you need to for you. I dont think you are expecting too much but it may be more than your husband can give or more than he can give right now or more than he can give until you have both been through a lot of counseling you have hard decisions to make. [/QUOTE]
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Talked to husband last night. Ideas? Thoughts? Am I expecting too much?
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