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Tears for a lost soul
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<blockquote data-quote="Kalahou" data-source="post: 675660" data-attributes="member: 19617"><p>I have felt this same way, shedding tears and more tears, many times and still do. However, I have come to understand that it was not really for my son’s life that I was shedding tears, not so much for “his” loss, but for my own (<em>mourning my own loss</em>). I came to the realization that my own expectations and dreams would never be realized. I had to learn and accept that my son is a different temperament and personality, has a different soul and spirit’s desires than I do, different interests and goals than me, really a very different understanding of life than I do. Often as our children are growing up, we think things should progress in a certain way, in some ways our children are part of our own identity. But then it happens that sometimes children grow in their own path away from us. I found this to be true even with a couple of my “easy” children. (They are “easy,” off on their own and cause no problems, but it’s hard to be part of their lives other than brief visits now and then, because they are on a different path(s) and move in different circles that I am not comfortable in, and project an energy that exhausts me, and I don't often enjoy it.)</p><p></p><p>If a mere acquaintance or unrelated person was following in the ways of your difficult son, you would not be feeling such pain because you would not have the personal identity and attachment to your own wishes and dreams that became part of your being in raising them up. We love our children deeply, but a big part of the detachment process is also detaching and releasing the emotion and fears that our own expectations will never be realized. This is a necessary, and painful, loss of part of our personal selves.</p><p></p><p>For me, I think when we cry for what WE see (in our own perceptions) as the "faults and failings" of another, it does them no good. I want to affirm any strength and good I see for him, while at the same time knowing I must firmly detach from emotional fears and set those boundaries for that which I cannot accept .</p><p></p><p>As JM said above, your son is likely doing the best he can for HIM now as he should be for what is needful now in his life to do what he wants for himself. It is his choice. He may be very content in his life and as happy for himself as many folks are that we see living what we think is a more "<em>acceptable (?)</em>" way of llife.</p><p></p><p>Maybe he will not and does not ever need to find a way "<em>back</em>", but instead is progressing to find a way (his way) <em><u>forward</u></em>. Perhaps your own release and acceptance of the loss of your own expectations and desires for him is part of the process. This is a painful hard road for all of us warrior parents. Stand strong and be comforted. You are going to be alright.</p><p></p><p>It’s a new day. Kalahou.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Kalahou, post: 675660, member: 19617"] I have felt this same way, shedding tears and more tears, many times and still do. However, I have come to understand that it was not really for my son’s life that I was shedding tears, not so much for “his” loss, but for my own ([I]mourning my own loss[/I]). I came to the realization that my own expectations and dreams would never be realized. I had to learn and accept that my son is a different temperament and personality, has a different soul and spirit’s desires than I do, different interests and goals than me, really a very different understanding of life than I do. Often as our children are growing up, we think things should progress in a certain way, in some ways our children are part of our own identity. But then it happens that sometimes children grow in their own path away from us. I found this to be true even with a couple of my “easy” children. (They are “easy,” off on their own and cause no problems, but it’s hard to be part of their lives other than brief visits now and then, because they are on a different path(s) and move in different circles that I am not comfortable in, and project an energy that exhausts me, and I don't often enjoy it.) If a mere acquaintance or unrelated person was following in the ways of your difficult son, you would not be feeling such pain because you would not have the personal identity and attachment to your own wishes and dreams that became part of your being in raising them up. We love our children deeply, but a big part of the detachment process is also detaching and releasing the emotion and fears that our own expectations will never be realized. This is a necessary, and painful, loss of part of our personal selves. For me, I think when we cry for what WE see (in our own perceptions) as the "faults and failings" of another, it does them no good. I want to affirm any strength and good I see for him, while at the same time knowing I must firmly detach from emotional fears and set those boundaries for that which I cannot accept . As JM said above, your son is likely doing the best he can for HIM now as he should be for what is needful now in his life to do what he wants for himself. It is his choice. He may be very content in his life and as happy for himself as many folks are that we see living what we think is a more "[I]acceptable (?)[/I]" way of llife. Maybe he will not and does not ever need to find a way "[I]back[/I]", but instead is progressing to find a way (his way) [I][U]forward[/U][/I]. Perhaps your own release and acceptance of the loss of your own expectations and desires for him is part of the process. This is a painful hard road for all of us warrior parents. Stand strong and be comforted. You are going to be alright. It’s a new day. Kalahou. [/QUOTE]
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