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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 406917" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>First off - you did NOT NOT NOT invade her "privacy". SHe posted it online for the entire world to see. PERIOD. Second - she is only 15. She cannot legally own anything because she cannot legally enter into a contract unless she has been emancipated - which would mean she is living on her own earning her own money. This means that you and your wife own EVERYTHING in your home and in your child's possession including the computer/cell phone/whatever she used to post this online. IF she wanted this to be private she would NOT have posted it online. Heck, her every future employer can see this if they search under her name. Even if seh takes it off they can use the "wayback machine" to go and find it. This is a CRUCIAL lesson for all young people because more and more employers, scholarship groups, school and even police are doing internet searches to check on people they are considering or investigating. So the sooner she learns to NOT post things like this online the better off she will be.</p><p> </p><p>Hints about suicide are NOT for drama or to be taken lightly. Time to insist she see a therapist to work through them and to be sure she won't try to harm herself. A therapist should also help her work through why seh had sex when seh was not ready. </p><p> </p><p>Time to make an appointment with a GYN for a pelvic exam, HPV vaccine if she hasn't had one (gardasil is the brand name) and birth control. If she won't take daily birth control then the depo provera shot is an option and in extreme cases docs will still use the implants (not used very often because there are some side effects but if you have someone who is hypersexual or simply refuses to even try to use birth control then the implants can be considered). Also go and buy the biggest box of condoms you can find. Keep it in a cabinet and make sure that there are always some there. I know you don't want to condone her having sex but you cannot stop it. ALL that you can do realistically is to provide what she needs to avoid becoming sick or pregnant - that is literally ALL you can do.</p><p> </p><p>You need to have a very open discussion of STDs with her. MANY people do not realize that most std's have changed from when you or I was a teen. Nowadays you can have ANY std with-o showing outward symptoms. Syphilis, gonorrhea, chlamydia etc... do NOT show up as sores or bumps on the genitals and do NOT always have a discharge. So you CANNOT tell by looking at someone's privates if they are infected. This is why she MUST use a condom AND get regular checkups and STD screenings. It is CRUCIAL. </p><p> </p><p>Be upfront. Tell her not to get HIV or Hepatitis. we tell our kids to not get pregnant but we rarely tell them so openly to not get HIV or AIDS. in my opinion that is just NUTS. A baby will change your life drastically, sure, but it won't end it years too early. HIV and even Hep can end a life many many years early. NO ONE wants that so be open and don't assume that it can go with-o saying. Before she should even CONSIDER sex with-o a condom she and her partner need to be monogamous and both have been tested and have the results. If she isn't adult enough to discuss this with her partner, and to insist on a condom, then seh needs to think about whether she is old enough to have sex. </p><p> </p><p>It isn't an easy subject to talk about for many parents, esp dads of daughters, but it is one of the most important things you can do as a father. She WILL get upset that you "invaded her privacy" - tough noogies. If she is old enough to have sex and post about it online and hint about being suicidal then she is old enough to have a conversation with her parents about these choices, her feelings and how to keep herself safe.</p><p> </p><p>I would NOT be judgemental if you can avoid it. Let her know you hoped she would wait longer, but as seh didn't the two of you need to talk. Don't put all the weight of this on her mom - you are just as much her parent as her mom is and it is equally your job to handle these things. She may listen to you more if she feels her mom is very judgemental or hard on her. I know mom does it because she sees a lot of potential, loves her and wants her to do her best, but teens don't always see it that way, Know what I mean?? So she may listen to you where she would close up and not listen to her mom.</p><p> </p><p>If it turns out that your daughter truly wasn't ready and a date pushed her and/or wouldn't take no for an answer, get her to a rape crisis center and hotline ASAP. Sadly there are a LOT of times a girl is date-raped and doesn't realize it because the guy was just "pushy" in her mind and wasn't as "violent" as she thought a rapist would be. My second year in college I had 3 friends go through this and we all learned a whole lot about the issue. Often the guys just thought they were "convincing" even as the girl said no through the entire act. If that happens, do your best to hide your rage from her as she will think it is aimed at her for not saying no enough or being "strong enough" to make the no stick. You and your wife will also need to talk to a therapist to work through your feelings and figure the best way to help her. The police are one option, but not every girl is strong enough to handle that and that choice should be up to her (and only her) though talking to a rape crisis counselor shoudl NOT be a choice.</p><p> </p><p>I am proud that YOU are asking questions and taking an active role in this. Girls really NEED their dads during this time - they have fears that you will be furious or disown them or hate them. By talking with her you can dispel those ideas and let her know that you are truly there for her. </p><p> </p><p>She may blow up about the privacy thing - if so give her some time to settle down and then keep talking about the issues. do NOT give punishments unless you ahve truly thought them out ahead of time - they won't accomplish much except to hurt both of you by creating a rift between you. Open communication isn't easy but is important, esp on the issue of sex. Remind her gently that if she truly wanted privacy she would NOT have put it on the internet, that no matter WHAT her "privacy" setting are the info is easily available to anyone who wants it. It doesn't take much experience to hack through privacy blocks.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 406917, member: 1233"] First off - you did NOT NOT NOT invade her "privacy". SHe posted it online for the entire world to see. PERIOD. Second - she is only 15. She cannot legally own anything because she cannot legally enter into a contract unless she has been emancipated - which would mean she is living on her own earning her own money. This means that you and your wife own EVERYTHING in your home and in your child's possession including the computer/cell phone/whatever she used to post this online. IF she wanted this to be private she would NOT have posted it online. Heck, her every future employer can see this if they search under her name. Even if seh takes it off they can use the "wayback machine" to go and find it. This is a CRUCIAL lesson for all young people because more and more employers, scholarship groups, school and even police are doing internet searches to check on people they are considering or investigating. So the sooner she learns to NOT post things like this online the better off she will be. Hints about suicide are NOT for drama or to be taken lightly. Time to insist she see a therapist to work through them and to be sure she won't try to harm herself. A therapist should also help her work through why seh had sex when seh was not ready. Time to make an appointment with a GYN for a pelvic exam, HPV vaccine if she hasn't had one (gardasil is the brand name) and birth control. If she won't take daily birth control then the depo provera shot is an option and in extreme cases docs will still use the implants (not used very often because there are some side effects but if you have someone who is hypersexual or simply refuses to even try to use birth control then the implants can be considered). Also go and buy the biggest box of condoms you can find. Keep it in a cabinet and make sure that there are always some there. I know you don't want to condone her having sex but you cannot stop it. ALL that you can do realistically is to provide what she needs to avoid becoming sick or pregnant - that is literally ALL you can do. You need to have a very open discussion of STDs with her. MANY people do not realize that most std's have changed from when you or I was a teen. Nowadays you can have ANY std with-o showing outward symptoms. Syphilis, gonorrhea, chlamydia etc... do NOT show up as sores or bumps on the genitals and do NOT always have a discharge. So you CANNOT tell by looking at someone's privates if they are infected. This is why she MUST use a condom AND get regular checkups and STD screenings. It is CRUCIAL. Be upfront. Tell her not to get HIV or Hepatitis. we tell our kids to not get pregnant but we rarely tell them so openly to not get HIV or AIDS. in my opinion that is just NUTS. A baby will change your life drastically, sure, but it won't end it years too early. HIV and even Hep can end a life many many years early. NO ONE wants that so be open and don't assume that it can go with-o saying. Before she should even CONSIDER sex with-o a condom she and her partner need to be monogamous and both have been tested and have the results. If she isn't adult enough to discuss this with her partner, and to insist on a condom, then seh needs to think about whether she is old enough to have sex. It isn't an easy subject to talk about for many parents, esp dads of daughters, but it is one of the most important things you can do as a father. She WILL get upset that you "invaded her privacy" - tough noogies. If she is old enough to have sex and post about it online and hint about being suicidal then she is old enough to have a conversation with her parents about these choices, her feelings and how to keep herself safe. I would NOT be judgemental if you can avoid it. Let her know you hoped she would wait longer, but as seh didn't the two of you need to talk. Don't put all the weight of this on her mom - you are just as much her parent as her mom is and it is equally your job to handle these things. She may listen to you more if she feels her mom is very judgemental or hard on her. I know mom does it because she sees a lot of potential, loves her and wants her to do her best, but teens don't always see it that way, Know what I mean?? So she may listen to you where she would close up and not listen to her mom. If it turns out that your daughter truly wasn't ready and a date pushed her and/or wouldn't take no for an answer, get her to a rape crisis center and hotline ASAP. Sadly there are a LOT of times a girl is date-raped and doesn't realize it because the guy was just "pushy" in her mind and wasn't as "violent" as she thought a rapist would be. My second year in college I had 3 friends go through this and we all learned a whole lot about the issue. Often the guys just thought they were "convincing" even as the girl said no through the entire act. If that happens, do your best to hide your rage from her as she will think it is aimed at her for not saying no enough or being "strong enough" to make the no stick. You and your wife will also need to talk to a therapist to work through your feelings and figure the best way to help her. The police are one option, but not every girl is strong enough to handle that and that choice should be up to her (and only her) though talking to a rape crisis counselor shoudl NOT be a choice. I am proud that YOU are asking questions and taking an active role in this. Girls really NEED their dads during this time - they have fears that you will be furious or disown them or hate them. By talking with her you can dispel those ideas and let her know that you are truly there for her. She may blow up about the privacy thing - if so give her some time to settle down and then keep talking about the issues. do NOT give punishments unless you ahve truly thought them out ahead of time - they won't accomplish much except to hurt both of you by creating a rift between you. Open communication isn't easy but is important, esp on the issue of sex. Remind her gently that if she truly wanted privacy she would NOT have put it on the internet, that no matter WHAT her "privacy" setting are the info is easily available to anyone who wants it. It doesn't take much experience to hack through privacy blocks. [/QUOTE]
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