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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 407008" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Sadly, this happens. It happened back in our day. But a wrinkle that happens these days (and is in my opinion a retrograde step from female emancipation) is that groups of kids get together and girls are pressured to 'perform' including sometimes just giving oral sex, because if they don't they will lose popularity or be seen as nerds or uncool. So the girls give in, in order to remain part of the in crowd. They often will say that oral sex is not sex; but it is. it is also wrong for anybody (male or female) to be coerced into sex, ever. She needs to be empowered. The trouble is, it's not necessarily a "bad crowd" doing this. It's ANY crowd. We don't have this problem as badly here in Australia yet, but it's getting there. I do know it is a huge problem for you guys in the US, in some areas especially. I despair at where the 'sexual revolution' has ended up - back worse than we were before, with women having less say in things, being pressured far more, being treated as worse dirt than happened in the 50s and 60s. But they feel they have to accept this, and put up with it, or be unpopular.</p><p></p><p>This may not be what happened. So go carefully. Do not express your anger at this boy (especially do not say you want to find him and rip him apart - she will clam up if she thinks you could hurt him, it could even romanticise her view of what happened). Simply listen to her. I'm assuming here she has said the truth, that she has had sex. So listen to her as if she is an adult, a mate confiding in you over a beer in the pub. She needs advice, she needs to be safe. That is safe physically (health issues, as Jena covered; emotional health also, as in not being manipulted and used, then suffering the natural depression consequences).</p><p></p><p>When kids have sex, especially girls, they often (despite what they might think, despite whether the encounter is casual) feel an emotional investment in the other person. But if this emotional investment is despised and disrespected, it is a strong statement to the young person tat their sexual investment is unvalued and therefore worthless. Therefore they personally are worthless. The kid may already feel 'icky' at some level for having done this (and should not - sex should be enjoyable and uplifting, she needs to know this). </p><p></p><p>She needs to know she is worth being respected. She is worth self-respect. She is going to need help to find it again.</p><p></p><p>Forget about the boy - he may not be that much of a villain in the piece, anyway. The best way to go here, is to arm your daughter in every way against this kind of manipulation and exploitation. A strong self-esteem is good armour. If you aren't certain you can protect her that way (and once she has had sex, don't assume any talk will stop her doing it again) then at least cover all bases as far as her health is concerned. And as I said before - if she objects, tell her this is what every responsible adult should do when they begin to have sex. </p><p></p><p>A scary point for her - the younger a girl is when she first has unprotected sex, the greater her chance of getting cervical cancer, especially while still young. The cells on the cervix are still changing from juvenile type to adult type, right up until a girl is 20. The border between the adult cells and the juvenile cells is where cancers can be triggered. It used to be believed tat sperm cells were doing the damage; now they know it's HPV. I told you of my daughter's experience - she was 17 when she first had sex with Boy 1. She was not having sex with anyone else; he allegedly had never had sex with anyone else. She broke up with him in late 2006 when she was 20. I suspect he had by then been sleeping with one or more others behind her back. Certainly, his mates were actively trying to break them up. He has since distanced himself form those mates, moved interstate (he is still in contact with difficult child 1). Her next boyfriend had had one sexual partner before, but she had cheated on him and hurt him badly. They went to having sex fairly soon, I suspect - about two months after they began to go out together. They were actually seeing one another "as friends" while she was still officially with the first guy. She has since married this second guy.</p><p></p><p>So - she began sleeping with this new guy at the end of 2006. And in 2007 she was diagnosed with her first abnormal Pap smear. It was not acted on, the procedure these days is to wait and see, sometimes they resolve (!). It did not. By the time it was removed (late 2010) it had progressed to full thickness. Doctors these days will not discuss fault in these areas; they will not discuss who she could have caught it from. But form what we can work out, it was the first boy, almost certainly. Her husband has been distraught that he could have given this to her.</p><p></p><p>She began the Gardasil vaccine when she was 20. It took that long for it to be available for us here. And of course it was too late.</p><p></p><p>She will be OK, the doctor told us. But only because we have been doing the right thing in monitoring. Contraception - she takes the Pill but is desperate to start a family. They are broke and can't afford it. Despite being married and living in their own apartment, she still needs a lot of emotional, medical and moral support from us. </p><p></p><p>Feel free to share this with your daughter - my daughter's story is not unusual. As I said before - once a kid takes on the adult pleasures, they MUST also take on the adult responsibilities that go with it. And it is the responsible thing not just for yourself, but for your partner, to monitor and maintain your health and know your infection status. Infection in ANYTHING! HIV, HPV, STDs in general, Hep B, C and the rest of the alphabet. Chlamydia. And you can catch these so easily, and the first time even if the other person says they're virgins. How do they define what a virgin is? You can get those infections form heavy petting. And anyway, as we found (almost certainly) - guys lie. People lie.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 407008, member: 1991"] Sadly, this happens. It happened back in our day. But a wrinkle that happens these days (and is in my opinion a retrograde step from female emancipation) is that groups of kids get together and girls are pressured to 'perform' including sometimes just giving oral sex, because if they don't they will lose popularity or be seen as nerds or uncool. So the girls give in, in order to remain part of the in crowd. They often will say that oral sex is not sex; but it is. it is also wrong for anybody (male or female) to be coerced into sex, ever. She needs to be empowered. The trouble is, it's not necessarily a "bad crowd" doing this. It's ANY crowd. We don't have this problem as badly here in Australia yet, but it's getting there. I do know it is a huge problem for you guys in the US, in some areas especially. I despair at where the 'sexual revolution' has ended up - back worse than we were before, with women having less say in things, being pressured far more, being treated as worse dirt than happened in the 50s and 60s. But they feel they have to accept this, and put up with it, or be unpopular. This may not be what happened. So go carefully. Do not express your anger at this boy (especially do not say you want to find him and rip him apart - she will clam up if she thinks you could hurt him, it could even romanticise her view of what happened). Simply listen to her. I'm assuming here she has said the truth, that she has had sex. So listen to her as if she is an adult, a mate confiding in you over a beer in the pub. She needs advice, she needs to be safe. That is safe physically (health issues, as Jena covered; emotional health also, as in not being manipulted and used, then suffering the natural depression consequences). When kids have sex, especially girls, they often (despite what they might think, despite whether the encounter is casual) feel an emotional investment in the other person. But if this emotional investment is despised and disrespected, it is a strong statement to the young person tat their sexual investment is unvalued and therefore worthless. Therefore they personally are worthless. The kid may already feel 'icky' at some level for having done this (and should not - sex should be enjoyable and uplifting, she needs to know this). She needs to know she is worth being respected. She is worth self-respect. She is going to need help to find it again. Forget about the boy - he may not be that much of a villain in the piece, anyway. The best way to go here, is to arm your daughter in every way against this kind of manipulation and exploitation. A strong self-esteem is good armour. If you aren't certain you can protect her that way (and once she has had sex, don't assume any talk will stop her doing it again) then at least cover all bases as far as her health is concerned. And as I said before - if she objects, tell her this is what every responsible adult should do when they begin to have sex. A scary point for her - the younger a girl is when she first has unprotected sex, the greater her chance of getting cervical cancer, especially while still young. The cells on the cervix are still changing from juvenile type to adult type, right up until a girl is 20. The border between the adult cells and the juvenile cells is where cancers can be triggered. It used to be believed tat sperm cells were doing the damage; now they know it's HPV. I told you of my daughter's experience - she was 17 when she first had sex with Boy 1. She was not having sex with anyone else; he allegedly had never had sex with anyone else. She broke up with him in late 2006 when she was 20. I suspect he had by then been sleeping with one or more others behind her back. Certainly, his mates were actively trying to break them up. He has since distanced himself form those mates, moved interstate (he is still in contact with difficult child 1). Her next boyfriend had had one sexual partner before, but she had cheated on him and hurt him badly. They went to having sex fairly soon, I suspect - about two months after they began to go out together. They were actually seeing one another "as friends" while she was still officially with the first guy. She has since married this second guy. So - she began sleeping with this new guy at the end of 2006. And in 2007 she was diagnosed with her first abnormal Pap smear. It was not acted on, the procedure these days is to wait and see, sometimes they resolve (!). It did not. By the time it was removed (late 2010) it had progressed to full thickness. Doctors these days will not discuss fault in these areas; they will not discuss who she could have caught it from. But form what we can work out, it was the first boy, almost certainly. Her husband has been distraught that he could have given this to her. She began the Gardasil vaccine when she was 20. It took that long for it to be available for us here. And of course it was too late. She will be OK, the doctor told us. But only because we have been doing the right thing in monitoring. Contraception - she takes the Pill but is desperate to start a family. They are broke and can't afford it. Despite being married and living in their own apartment, she still needs a lot of emotional, medical and moral support from us. Feel free to share this with your daughter - my daughter's story is not unusual. As I said before - once a kid takes on the adult pleasures, they MUST also take on the adult responsibilities that go with it. And it is the responsible thing not just for yourself, but for your partner, to monitor and maintain your health and know your infection status. Infection in ANYTHING! HIV, HPV, STDs in general, Hep B, C and the rest of the alphabet. Chlamydia. And you can catch these so easily, and the first time even if the other person says they're virgins. How do they define what a virgin is? You can get those infections form heavy petting. And anyway, as we found (almost certainly) - guys lie. People lie. Marg [/QUOTE]
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