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Terrible Day with Oldest difficult child (release vent)
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 527157" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>Tia, I don't mean to sound harsh though this may. It truly is meant from the heart. </p><p></p><p>If she is of normal intelligence, living at home, not in school, is she working? Are you doing her ANY favors allowing her to live with you and treat you like this? I know there are problems, but this went way too far. She is saying stuff she has no business saying, esp to the person who is paying the bills for her. Have you maybe thought about forcing her to support herself for a while? If the mental health issues are that severe, sign her up for ssi and get her a representative payee to handle the $ and get her out of your home. It does her NOtHING positive to be able to live there and act like that. It truly doesn't.</p><p></p><p>As far as no apologies, that is garbage. It is her way of not facing the reality that she truly went WAY too far. in my opinion this situation would result in a sincere, heartfelt apology made iwth words, deeds, AND hard work with a therapist or she would be scooting her tushie way the heck out of my home.</p><p></p><p>This is NOT going to ever get better until the point you stop tolerating it. Yes, in the moment nothing would calm her down except calling 911 and having the cops address the issue of verbal abuse with her. BUT after the fact it is fine to not talk to her for a while but you DO have to set some boundary and tlel her never again or get out and do it yourself if you are so great. I know how harsh that is, and that you will worry because she may not be able to care for herself.</p><p></p><p>If you continue to ALLOW her to treat you like this, this is ALL you will ever see from her. Apologies are not optional for anyone. That is just arrogance. I don't really care what her problem with them is - it is just a fact of life that everyone needs to make them sometimes. Or they cannot live iwth other people or have other people in their lives. Maybe that needs to be a boundary?</p><p></p><p>PLEASE, go and talk to someone about this. this is NOT healthy for YOU or for HER. It is NOt good parenting to let your adult child continue in this path of behavior with-o setting some very clear 'don't you ever DARE" boundaries. Not only is this hurting YOU, it is also hurting her AND your other kids. They see her treat you like this so why should they not treat you the same way? Please figure out a way to set the boundaries so that she MUST stop treating you this way. if she cannot learn this, then the chance she will EVER be a successful parent, spouse or employee are pretty much gone. to work with others, to have a family, you MUST apologize and you MUST make amends and a load of laundry or twelve is NOT an apology or amends. </p><p></p><p>Now that she is an adult, your work as a parent is harder. You have to draw that line and unacceptable behavior needs to be given a clear line - and maybe moving out and paying her own way without the help of financial aid for college, even for a few weeks or months, would wake her up to the reality that she needs you and that means she needs to behave like an adult instead of like a disrespectful child.</p><p></p><p>I am so sorry to sound so harsh. I just cannot for the life of me see a good future for her with this behavior. now that she is an adult, the lessons MUST be harsher because the stakes are just so high. She is out of time to get away with this. Childhood is when you behave like this and learn that "WOW, that was the wrong thing to do, now I have to say I'm sorry and make it right!" and if they don't grasp this, then they need the real world, not life at mommy's with mommy paying the bills and directing things, to make them have to learn that lesson.</p><p></p><p>Parenting adults is hard, and allowing her to be a child does her no favors, in my opinion. Yes, it is hard to draw those lines, and to insist a child leave, and it can tear you up something awful, but it is what the young adult NEEDS and is part of parenting to give those hard, painful lessons. </p><p></p><p>I cannot even imagine saying those things to my parents. My dad would knock me out so fast I would be in 1892 and my mom? OMG I don't even ever want to THINK about that. She is the nastiest, most creative consequence finding person I have ever come across. At least to me she can be. I also cannot imagine my kids saying that as adults. They might to husband because he won't set boundaries. But me? they are just a little afraid of what I would do to them, and in my opinion it is not a bad thing. They know I would set that boundary, come up with the harsh consequence if needed, and do it with love, but they also know that I would not waiver or hesitate BECAUSE it is what they need - and it is not what is easy or fun for me.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 527157, member: 1233"] Tia, I don't mean to sound harsh though this may. It truly is meant from the heart. If she is of normal intelligence, living at home, not in school, is she working? Are you doing her ANY favors allowing her to live with you and treat you like this? I know there are problems, but this went way too far. She is saying stuff she has no business saying, esp to the person who is paying the bills for her. Have you maybe thought about forcing her to support herself for a while? If the mental health issues are that severe, sign her up for ssi and get her a representative payee to handle the $ and get her out of your home. It does her NOtHING positive to be able to live there and act like that. It truly doesn't. As far as no apologies, that is garbage. It is her way of not facing the reality that she truly went WAY too far. in my opinion this situation would result in a sincere, heartfelt apology made iwth words, deeds, AND hard work with a therapist or she would be scooting her tushie way the heck out of my home. This is NOT going to ever get better until the point you stop tolerating it. Yes, in the moment nothing would calm her down except calling 911 and having the cops address the issue of verbal abuse with her. BUT after the fact it is fine to not talk to her for a while but you DO have to set some boundary and tlel her never again or get out and do it yourself if you are so great. I know how harsh that is, and that you will worry because she may not be able to care for herself. If you continue to ALLOW her to treat you like this, this is ALL you will ever see from her. Apologies are not optional for anyone. That is just arrogance. I don't really care what her problem with them is - it is just a fact of life that everyone needs to make them sometimes. Or they cannot live iwth other people or have other people in their lives. Maybe that needs to be a boundary? PLEASE, go and talk to someone about this. this is NOT healthy for YOU or for HER. It is NOt good parenting to let your adult child continue in this path of behavior with-o setting some very clear 'don't you ever DARE" boundaries. Not only is this hurting YOU, it is also hurting her AND your other kids. They see her treat you like this so why should they not treat you the same way? Please figure out a way to set the boundaries so that she MUST stop treating you this way. if she cannot learn this, then the chance she will EVER be a successful parent, spouse or employee are pretty much gone. to work with others, to have a family, you MUST apologize and you MUST make amends and a load of laundry or twelve is NOT an apology or amends. Now that she is an adult, your work as a parent is harder. You have to draw that line and unacceptable behavior needs to be given a clear line - and maybe moving out and paying her own way without the help of financial aid for college, even for a few weeks or months, would wake her up to the reality that she needs you and that means she needs to behave like an adult instead of like a disrespectful child. I am so sorry to sound so harsh. I just cannot for the life of me see a good future for her with this behavior. now that she is an adult, the lessons MUST be harsher because the stakes are just so high. She is out of time to get away with this. Childhood is when you behave like this and learn that "WOW, that was the wrong thing to do, now I have to say I'm sorry and make it right!" and if they don't grasp this, then they need the real world, not life at mommy's with mommy paying the bills and directing things, to make them have to learn that lesson. Parenting adults is hard, and allowing her to be a child does her no favors, in my opinion. Yes, it is hard to draw those lines, and to insist a child leave, and it can tear you up something awful, but it is what the young adult NEEDS and is part of parenting to give those hard, painful lessons. I cannot even imagine saying those things to my parents. My dad would knock me out so fast I would be in 1892 and my mom? OMG I don't even ever want to THINK about that. She is the nastiest, most creative consequence finding person I have ever come across. At least to me she can be. I also cannot imagine my kids saying that as adults. They might to husband because he won't set boundaries. But me? they are just a little afraid of what I would do to them, and in my opinion it is not a bad thing. They know I would set that boundary, come up with the harsh consequence if needed, and do it with love, but they also know that I would not waiver or hesitate BECAUSE it is what they need - and it is not what is easy or fun for me. [/QUOTE]
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