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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 678694" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Hi sooo tired, just catching up here. </p><p></p><p>When we start detaching with love and setting boundaries, it's hard to handle the texts, phone calls, FB messages and other ways they continue to reach out to us. We don't want to break all contact, but if you're like I was, I used to dread it when his name flashed up on my phone. Even today (I think this is lingering PTSD) my stomach tightens up when he calls. I wanted to know he was alive, but beyond that, quite frankly, I didn't want to know the details. All they did was upset me and then it would take me hours/days to get back to level ground. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>This is the very best advice ever from Tanya. This gives us something to do and something to say, and is proactive and positive. I can't tell you how many times I gave my Difficult Child information about resources. Over and over and over and later I would find out he never contacted any of them. He didn't want information. He wanted ME to save him once again. He wasn't ready to take responsibility and nothing I did or said every made that happen any faster. But this is for YOU. This is so you can look in the mirror and sleep at night.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I said this a few times to my son, and today, I am working to be more clear and direct about what works and doesn't work for me in our relationship. Most of the time, I set boundaries by my actions. Yesterday, my son and I went to the movie The Revenant. He had mentioned this several weeks ago, and wanted to know if I wanted to go. I did, but there was no good time to go. Monday, I texted my son as I hadn't seen him in nearly two weeks. I said hey would you like to go to the movie tomorrow since you're off? If that works, great, if not, we can go another time. </p><p></p><p>He said sure. We met at the movie theatre, saw the movie and then parted ways. It was a good time together. Sometimes, when I spend a lot of time with my son, I start wanting to know things about his plans, what's going on in his life, what he is thinking, etc. I feel anxious about him. Is he really doing well? What don't I know about him? What is next for him? Will he go back to his old ways? Is he progressing?</p><p></p><p>Creating space and time for me and for him helps me calm the crazies that race around in my head. None of that is my business. That is his business. It's up to him to progress in his life...or not. I have to continue to work on myself all the time to let go of the future. I don't want to hear all of his thinking, but still...I find myself dying to ask these questions when we are around each other for several hours.</p><p></p><p>I find it's best, even though he appears to be doing so much better, to limit our time and continue to set and maintain boundaries (loving ones) and let him figure his own life out. </p><p></p><p>Wow this stuff is hard, isn't it? </p><p></p><p>You people are Warriors. You are the best! Thanks for helping us all with your posts.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 678694, member: 17542"] Hi sooo tired, just catching up here. When we start detaching with love and setting boundaries, it's hard to handle the texts, phone calls, FB messages and other ways they continue to reach out to us. We don't want to break all contact, but if you're like I was, I used to dread it when his name flashed up on my phone. Even today (I think this is lingering PTSD) my stomach tightens up when he calls. I wanted to know he was alive, but beyond that, quite frankly, I didn't want to know the details. All they did was upset me and then it would take me hours/days to get back to level ground. This is the very best advice ever from Tanya. This gives us something to do and something to say, and is proactive and positive. I can't tell you how many times I gave my Difficult Child information about resources. Over and over and over and later I would find out he never contacted any of them. He didn't want information. He wanted ME to save him once again. He wasn't ready to take responsibility and nothing I did or said every made that happen any faster. But this is for YOU. This is so you can look in the mirror and sleep at night. I said this a few times to my son, and today, I am working to be more clear and direct about what works and doesn't work for me in our relationship. Most of the time, I set boundaries by my actions. Yesterday, my son and I went to the movie The Revenant. He had mentioned this several weeks ago, and wanted to know if I wanted to go. I did, but there was no good time to go. Monday, I texted my son as I hadn't seen him in nearly two weeks. I said hey would you like to go to the movie tomorrow since you're off? If that works, great, if not, we can go another time. He said sure. We met at the movie theatre, saw the movie and then parted ways. It was a good time together. Sometimes, when I spend a lot of time with my son, I start wanting to know things about his plans, what's going on in his life, what he is thinking, etc. I feel anxious about him. Is he really doing well? What don't I know about him? What is next for him? Will he go back to his old ways? Is he progressing? Creating space and time for me and for him helps me calm the crazies that race around in my head. None of that is my business. That is his business. It's up to him to progress in his life...or not. I have to continue to work on myself all the time to let go of the future. I don't want to hear all of his thinking, but still...I find myself dying to ask these questions when we are around each other for several hours. I find it's best, even though he appears to be doing so much better, to limit our time and continue to set and maintain boundaries (loving ones) and let him figure his own life out. Wow this stuff is hard, isn't it? You people are Warriors. You are the best! Thanks for helping us all with your posts. [/QUOTE]
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