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the ball is in his court??
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 724446" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>We are all imperfectly human. I was thinking on one of Cedars old posts about vulnerability, and I found this short piece from Brene Brown</p><p><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_YeulUgWNp8" target="_blank">Dr. Brené Brown on Faking It, Perfectionism and Living Wholeheartedly | SuperSoul Sunday | OWN</a></p><p>I love Brene's work.</p><p>My Dad was a perfectionist. Everything in order.</p><p>Boy, do I fall short.</p><p>But I find myself clinging to that ideal, that everything has to be just right, before this can be done.......</p><p></p><p></p><p>[MEDIA=youtube]id=1Evwgu369Jw;list=PLkfraFd1tAezvIAC9Sc59cILRPdEucqvW[/MEDIA]</p><p>Well, forgive me if I am wrong, but you are being empathetic, when you relate his struggles, with your own. A good thing.</p><p>The results thing is the hard part.</p><p>It is really up to him.</p><p>But, his connection with you helps too.</p><p>A lot.</p><p>Sigh.</p><p>This is something I need to work at.</p><p>Detaching with love.</p><p></p><p>Healing. I posted to RN, that I was beginning to feel that I am healing. I have a lot of work to do. I have thought during my walks and prayed for my two. Hoping that they will see their spark and meaning. There has been a sort of disconnect between us, because of all that has happened, and I have built up that Star Trekkian shield to protect myself. I am thinking now, that I have built up these callouses to preserve myself, but it is not really me.</p><p> "Fake it till you make it." I even wrote that to you, Copa. I suppose that has come through the old teachings I learned........ that Nat King Cole song,</p><p>Smile though your heart is aching</p><p>Smile even though it's breaking</p><p>When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by</p><p>If you smile through your fear and sorrow</p><p>Smile and maybe tomorrow</p><p>You'll see the sun come shining through for you</p><p>Hummmmm.</p><p>So, stuff the feelings down. Stuff the grief because, who can go to work and just fall apart?</p><p>There is much to putting on the brave face to get through the day. It becomes a necessity, to get things done. But, at the end of the day, those feelings are still there.</p><p>Healing.</p><p>There is so much to be done on that level.</p><p></p><p></p><p>I think I am to the point where I can make an effort to see Rain, to try to reconnect, but to understand that there are boundaries.</p><p>Not conditions, boundaries.</p><p>Yes, everything in life has conditions. True.</p><p>I often ponder the whole "unconditional" love thing, because my Tornado has shoved that one in my face to mean that I should just allow her to live in my home and she does as she chooses.</p><p>Nope, not going back there.</p><p>That's boundaries.</p><p>I love her, but not her choices.</p><p>It is the connection that is lacking.</p><p>I am trying to figure that one out.</p><p>Love her, reconnect, but not go back to an enabling state.</p><p>That frenzy, where I am so uncomfortable with her choices that I think it is up to me to "fix" her.</p><p></p><p>It is hard with our d cs. You described your son as "not normal".Yup, that's me, but it is also my two. What is normal anyways? Well, my normal, would not accept living in a park, but who is to say what I would do under the influence of meth?</p><p>Not to excuse it.</p><p>I am finding my struggle is how to reconnect, without going back to what was.</p><p>My aching heart wanting things to be different, NOW.</p><p>Connection.</p><p>Maybe for me it is as simple as visiting Rain once in a while, just to let her know that I love her. Bring some soup, or something. Honestly, just writing that feels like, sure, bring her some soup, whoopee, she lives in a fricken tent, in a park. I guess that is the old me, feeling that I have to pull out all the stops.</p><p>Whoa nelly.</p><p>Breathe.</p><p>Okay, connection, something, is better than nothing.</p><p>There is something in me that feels a part of my healing, is being able to face what choices my daughter is making, without feeling them to the depth of my soul.</p><p>Am I making any sense? I don't know Copa. I will pray on it.</p><p>No contact, it worked when the bottom dropped out, and everything was haywire.</p><p>But, then, there is still this kind of ....void.</p><p>Or, is it avoid? Am I avoiding the situation all together, because I am so afraid of my vulnerability?</p><p>Much to ponder and work on there.</p><p></p><p> You are courageous Copa. This is hard stuff.</p><p></p><p> That is awesome. He is opening up to you.</p><p></p><p> I admire your honesty and capability to put yourself out there. That is a big part of healing, to bare your vulnerabilities. I think it works, too. To read and write along with others in similar situations, writing out feelings and viewing different perspectives. Processing. Hopefully growing in understanding of ourselves, and others.</p><p> This struck me. When I was in such grief over hubs passing, I didn't care how I presented myself, what I wore.</p><p>It was how I felt, that clothed me. I went into seclusion, really. I had to.</p><p></p><p> That is awesome. He is his own person.</p><p></p><p></p><p> I need to watch the empathy piece over and again. In my struggle to not enable, I fear I may have swung the other way. (You think Leafy?)</p><p> Okay, I know.</p><p>Self protect mode.</p><p>There were so many better ways to say to my kids that they needed to get help, or not even say that, but let them know that I have been in some dark times myself.</p><p>But, I am not going to kick myself over my reaction to years of hurt. (I am really, really good at kicking myself)</p><p> I am going to try to do better. Not perfect, better.</p><p>We are only human.</p><p>Our reactions are human. We will be inappropriate. Sometimes, cruel, out of our lane.</p><p>I don't remember watching any Disney movies about what we have gone through, are going through with our d cs. It all does not come naturally.</p><p> How to respond and react when our d cs, and our worlds turn upside down.</p><p>It is a <em>disaster, catastrophic, </em>to our family, our hearts.</p><p>Are we prepared?</p><p>Our feelings and reactions like canned goods, and water bottles, set aside for <em>if the time comes</em>?</p><p> I am glad for this, Copa.</p><p>Thank you for sharing.</p><p>You have opened up an understanding in myself, that if I have really healed, I am more able to connect with my two, without going into despair.</p><p>I was so afraid, to let myself feel.</p><p>To be vulnerable and open my heart to a possibility of being so lost again.</p><p>I am not talking of bringing my two home, and in writing that, I am not judging what you are doing for your son.</p><p>We all must do, what we feel is right within ourselves.</p><p>I am saying that your courage has shown me, that I can be courageous, too.</p><p>Which is, to be the mother of two addicted adult children, know we are connected, and nurture that.</p><p>I will start simply.</p><p>One thought, prayer and step at a time.</p><p>Thank you Copa.</p><p>(((HUGS)))</p><p>Leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 724446, member: 19522"] We are all imperfectly human. I was thinking on one of Cedars old posts about vulnerability, and I found this short piece from Brene Brown [URL="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_YeulUgWNp8"]Dr. Brené Brown on Faking It, Perfectionism and Living Wholeheartedly | SuperSoul Sunday | OWN[/URL] I love Brene's work. My Dad was a perfectionist. Everything in order. Boy, do I fall short. But I find myself clinging to that ideal, that everything has to be just right, before this can be done....... [MEDIA=youtube]id=1Evwgu369Jw;list=PLkfraFd1tAezvIAC9Sc59cILRPdEucqvW[/MEDIA] Well, forgive me if I am wrong, but you are being empathetic, when you relate his struggles, with your own. A good thing. The results thing is the hard part. It is really up to him. But, his connection with you helps too. A lot. Sigh. This is something I need to work at. Detaching with love. Healing. I posted to RN, that I was beginning to feel that I am healing. I have a lot of work to do. I have thought during my walks and prayed for my two. Hoping that they will see their spark and meaning. There has been a sort of disconnect between us, because of all that has happened, and I have built up that Star Trekkian shield to protect myself. I am thinking now, that I have built up these callouses to preserve myself, but it is not really me. "Fake it till you make it." I even wrote that to you, Copa. I suppose that has come through the old teachings I learned........ that Nat King Cole song, Smile though your heart is aching Smile even though it's breaking When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by If you smile through your fear and sorrow Smile and maybe tomorrow You'll see the sun come shining through for you Hummmmm. So, stuff the feelings down. Stuff the grief because, who can go to work and just fall apart? There is much to putting on the brave face to get through the day. It becomes a necessity, to get things done. But, at the end of the day, those feelings are still there. Healing. There is so much to be done on that level. I think I am to the point where I can make an effort to see Rain, to try to reconnect, but to understand that there are boundaries. Not conditions, boundaries. Yes, everything in life has conditions. True. I often ponder the whole "unconditional" love thing, because my Tornado has shoved that one in my face to mean that I should just allow her to live in my home and she does as she chooses. Nope, not going back there. That's boundaries. I love her, but not her choices. It is the connection that is lacking. I am trying to figure that one out. Love her, reconnect, but not go back to an enabling state. That frenzy, where I am so uncomfortable with her choices that I think it is up to me to "fix" her. It is hard with our d cs. You described your son as "not normal".Yup, that's me, but it is also my two. What is normal anyways? Well, my normal, would not accept living in a park, but who is to say what I would do under the influence of meth? Not to excuse it. I am finding my struggle is how to reconnect, without going back to what was. My aching heart wanting things to be different, NOW. Connection. Maybe for me it is as simple as visiting Rain once in a while, just to let her know that I love her. Bring some soup, or something. Honestly, just writing that feels like, sure, bring her some soup, whoopee, she lives in a fricken tent, in a park. I guess that is the old me, feeling that I have to pull out all the stops. Whoa nelly. Breathe. Okay, connection, something, is better than nothing. There is something in me that feels a part of my healing, is being able to face what choices my daughter is making, without feeling them to the depth of my soul. Am I making any sense? I don't know Copa. I will pray on it. No contact, it worked when the bottom dropped out, and everything was haywire. But, then, there is still this kind of ....void. Or, is it avoid? Am I avoiding the situation all together, because I am so afraid of my vulnerability? Much to ponder and work on there. You are courageous Copa. This is hard stuff. That is awesome. He is opening up to you. I admire your honesty and capability to put yourself out there. That is a big part of healing, to bare your vulnerabilities. I think it works, too. To read and write along with others in similar situations, writing out feelings and viewing different perspectives. Processing. Hopefully growing in understanding of ourselves, and others. This struck me. When I was in such grief over hubs passing, I didn't care how I presented myself, what I wore. It was how I felt, that clothed me. I went into seclusion, really. I had to. That is awesome. He is his own person. I need to watch the empathy piece over and again. In my struggle to not enable, I fear I may have swung the other way. (You think Leafy?) Okay, I know. Self protect mode. There were so many better ways to say to my kids that they needed to get help, or not even say that, but let them know that I have been in some dark times myself. But, I am not going to kick myself over my reaction to years of hurt. (I am really, really good at kicking myself) I am going to try to do better. Not perfect, better. We are only human. Our reactions are human. We will be inappropriate. Sometimes, cruel, out of our lane. I don't remember watching any Disney movies about what we have gone through, are going through with our d cs. It all does not come naturally. How to respond and react when our d cs, and our worlds turn upside down. It is a [I]disaster, catastrophic, [/I]to our family, our hearts. Are we prepared? Our feelings and reactions like canned goods, and water bottles, set aside for [I]if the time comes[/I]? I am glad for this, Copa. Thank you for sharing. You have opened up an understanding in myself, that if I have really healed, I am more able to connect with my two, without going into despair. I was so afraid, to let myself feel. To be vulnerable and open my heart to a possibility of being so lost again. I am not talking of bringing my two home, and in writing that, I am not judging what you are doing for your son. We all must do, what we feel is right within ourselves. I am saying that your courage has shown me, that I can be courageous, too. Which is, to be the mother of two addicted adult children, know we are connected, and nurture that. I will start simply. One thought, prayer and step at a time. Thank you Copa. (((HUGS))) Leafy [/QUOTE]
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