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the blame game continues..........
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 642981" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Tanya, before you came to us here, MWM did a series of threads on verbally abusive adult children. It took so long for me to see myself as verbally abused by my own son. As bad as things ever got, I did not put those nasty words he would say into the context of verbal abuse. I believed he was upset, or I believed he'd spoken in a moment of anger. Or blah, blah, blah, the point being that I was not holding my adult son responsible for the words that came out of his mouth. </p><p></p><p>That was very wrong of me.</p><p></p><p>I learned that, at bottom, allowing and excusing my grown man of a son to say nasty, hurtful things to me was as much an indication of my disrespect of him as his having said it in the first place was an indication of his disrespect of me.</p><p></p><p>Once I got that piece, I was able to stop blaming myself or trying to make sense of why he felt as he did. </p><p></p><p>With support and endless nurturing from everyone here on the site, I finally was able to call him on the behaviors, and to demand better of him. </p><p></p><p>That was to turn out to be the first step in my healing, the first step in changing my perception of my position relative to my son. Soon enough, I would come to understand the why behind what he said. </p><p></p><p>He said those things to hurt me.</p><p></p><p>He wanted to hurt me because when I was hurt and guilty enough, the money would flow.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>No.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>If you explain anything to him Tanya, let it be this.</p><p></p><p>This is the truth.</p><p></p><p>Unless we tell our children the truth, nothing can change. It is possible nothing will change even if we do tell the truth but Tanya? <em>That's on them.</em></p><p></p><p>I think you handled this very hard situation beautifully. I am sorry for the hurt of it. There is nothing that cuts with such precision as the pain our children inflict.</p><p></p><p>But that's okay. Our job is to learn to survive, to uncover and become familiar with and overcome the places where we are not thinking in healthy ways, and to heal enough to stand up again.</p><p></p><p>Even if we are alone.</p><p></p><p>Even if we never have our children with us, again.</p><p></p><p>Eventually, we come to accept that. And when we do, we begin to flourish, and grow, and we begin to laugh again, and to reclaim our lives.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p><p></p><p>And until we all get there? We have this site, and one another.</p><p></p><p>So we are actually so fortunate.</p><p></p><p>I remember what it was like, before I found this site.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 642981, member: 17461"] Tanya, before you came to us here, MWM did a series of threads on verbally abusive adult children. It took so long for me to see myself as verbally abused by my own son. As bad as things ever got, I did not put those nasty words he would say into the context of verbal abuse. I believed he was upset, or I believed he'd spoken in a moment of anger. Or blah, blah, blah, the point being that I was not holding my adult son responsible for the words that came out of his mouth. That was very wrong of me. I learned that, at bottom, allowing and excusing my grown man of a son to say nasty, hurtful things to me was as much an indication of my disrespect of him as his having said it in the first place was an indication of his disrespect of me. Once I got that piece, I was able to stop blaming myself or trying to make sense of why he felt as he did. With support and endless nurturing from everyone here on the site, I finally was able to call him on the behaviors, and to demand better of him. That was to turn out to be the first step in my healing, the first step in changing my perception of my position relative to my son. Soon enough, I would come to understand the why behind what he said. He said those things to hurt me. He wanted to hurt me because when I was hurt and guilty enough, the money would flow. No. If you explain anything to him Tanya, let it be this. This is the truth. Unless we tell our children the truth, nothing can change. It is possible nothing will change even if we do tell the truth but Tanya? [I]That's on them.[/I] I think you handled this very hard situation beautifully. I am sorry for the hurt of it. There is nothing that cuts with such precision as the pain our children inflict. But that's okay. Our job is to learn to survive, to uncover and become familiar with and overcome the places where we are not thinking in healthy ways, and to heal enough to stand up again. Even if we are alone. Even if we never have our children with us, again. Eventually, we come to accept that. And when we do, we begin to flourish, and grow, and we begin to laugh again, and to reclaim our lives. Cedar And until we all get there? We have this site, and one another. So we are actually so fortunate. I remember what it was like, before I found this site. [/QUOTE]
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