the bull is trying to gore me

Discussion in 'Family of Origin' started by pigless in VA, Jan 23, 2017.

  1. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Well-Known Member

    OMG, this brouhaha about my dad's driving has turned into such a stressful mess.

    Cactus Queen supposedly made an appointment with the driving evaluation service but has moaned and groaned about it to everyone. Along with Pigless has destroyed her father. Letty and Randy and steadfastly on my side. Mark has been silent since Randy explained to him that an evaluation was a good thing.

    CQ refuses to allow anyone to know exactly when the appointment is. I told Letty that I might need to get DMV involved since she could not seem to tell anyone a date. Sally called me last night to basically beg me not to file a DMV report. To give them time to handle this. They've had three weeks in which to make one appointment the date of which CQ refused to disclose. Finally, Sally claims that she knows the actual date and it is sometime in February. CQ is afraid that I will follow my dad to the evaluation. Seriously? I don't get paid at work unless I am present. I don't have time to be following him around. I've already seen him drive badly. I only want him assessed by a professional.

    And to add to the stress, CQ now wants all of the sibs who are basically at odds over this issue (Mark sent out several scathing and nasty emails) to meet together at her house to talk. She wanted me to spearhead the meeting. I am not going to do that. If she wants us to meet, she can call the meeting. I personally believe it will be a disaster. Letty and Sally are not on speaking terms and Mark and I aren't either. CQ is not a trained therapist and according to Letty, has no understanding of sensitivity. I asked her what her agenda was and she said, "We just want everyone to get along." Randy believes her hidden agenda for the meeting is to rake me over the coals about "destroying" my father.

    P. S. to Cedar, we tried very hard to present the information to CQ and Dad in a kind manner. We wanted them to take responsibility for his dangerous driving. Neither one of them can even now admit that Dad did anything wrong. I was saddened to find my dad so callously disregard the safety of others on the road. Apparently, his deteriorated cognitive abilities interfere with his judgement.

    Thoughts? Advice?
  2. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    You do not get paid enough for this BS. You are on the HIPAA forms. Call the doctor and ask when the evaluation is if you truly want to know. Otherwise, tell the family that if you do not have RESULTS from the evaluation, in writing, by a date of your choosing, that you will notify the DMV. Then let it go.

    There is no point in a meeting. IF you go and they get nasty, get up and walk out. It is very simple. You stand up, point your feet to the door, and walk, one foot after the other. You don't argue or fuss. You walk out because you know they are being idiots and that you are simply doing the right thing by telling them that your father needs to be evaluated because his alzheimers is too bad for him to be driving without an evaluation. If he won't get evaluated by his doctor's chosen professional, then the DMV needs to know. It really is that simple. You are saving your father's and CQ's lives even if they don't want to admit it. They may want to make you into the red headed left handed step child, but only you can willingly step into that role. I say don't do it. You made yourself clear. Don't put up with the nonsense, and if your instincts tell you they are setting you up to be bashed by the whole family, then you are busy during that meeting. Sorry, but you have a commitment that month. After all, you do go to the doctor appts for your dad, so if you can't also do evening meetings, well, sorry. You already gave your time to the cause. Let your siblings give their time.

    You have not destroyed your father. They are being a bunch of drama queens. It is a bunch of childish behavior from people who should know better. I think your siblings don't want to admit there is a problem because they might have to do something about it other than blame you.

    Set a deadline to have written results from the Occupational Therapist (OT) or the doctor sent to you. Otherwise, follow through and call the DMV. But also call the doctor and ask when the appointment with the Occupational Therapist (OT) is, or what Occupational Therapist (OT) they recommend and call that Occupational Therapist (OT) to see when the appointment is.
  3. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Well-Known Member

    Susie, I tried to find out the information about the driving evaluation through the doctors' offices. I have been removed from the HIPPA waiver. I had the gall to report my dad's bad driving to the doctor, therefore I am no longer to be trusted. The good news about that is that I no longer have to take a day without pay to go to the doctor with my dad. The bad news is that CQ is in complete control of poor, not-in-his-right-mind Dad. She trusts no one to go with them.

    You're right about me not getting paid enough for all this drama. It's absurd! I do not accept responsibility for destroying my father; his disease has already done that. He is depressed, and CQ refuses to get him treatment for it. I wish my dad had married a reasonable person, but he didn't. His bad. There is very little I can do to help him now.

    I've already decided that this family meeting should come after Dad has his driving evaluation, so that CQ can share the results. In the meantime, he's driving. I'm not happy about that one little bit. He also had some memory testing done yesterday, so there may be results of those tests also.
  4. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    This is nasty. CQ behind it, do you think?

    It's good that the sibs stand with you. The thing is there is no "side". There is only the fact that the father is no longer able to drive safely.

    This sounds so hard for everyone but pigless, you are doing the right thing. Very hard, for you.

    I think I would do it that way, too. It isn't as though a meeting is going to change the physical issues this father is suffering. I still can't believe they took your name off the HIPPA waiver. How miserable was that!

  5. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I would insist on the meeting being after the results, AND that the results come to YOU straight from the testing place and not through CQ (don't trust her). If they won't do this, you report to the DMV.

    As far as the HIPAA, CQ is an idiot. She had free help and she tossed it away. You gave her an OPTION, you didn't just report him without telling him. You COULD have just called the DMV and given them his info and never told anyone in the family. If they get really ugly, you still could.

    I just have a feeling this will get worse for you before it gets better. I am so sorry you are being made the scapegoat for your father's illness rather than having the family all work together so that he can have the best time possible for as long as he is able. And the safest time possible - how awful is it going to be when he wrecks and hurts both himself and someone else? At least you will know that you did all you could to prevent it.
  6. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Well-Known Member

    I honestly wish I had said nothing to anyone and simply reported it to DMV. I should have known that CQ would be unreasonable. She has been completely unreasonable over small issues in the past, and this is a HUGE issue.

    Years ago, I received a phone call from Dad. CQ was extremely upset over something that occurred at Thanksgiving dinner. The crime: my then husband and Mark had the audacity to bring beer cans to the table. I knew what had happened. She offered them a glass, and they refused. Neither one of them felt the need to dirty a glass. They were fine with the can. She could have simply told them that she preferred them to use a glass, but it was more "fun" to attack us over it after the fact.

    Yes, she was the one who took me off the HIPPA form.

    "how awful is it going to be when he wrecks and hurts both himself and someone else? At least you will know that you did all you could to prevent it." I hope if he hits something it is inanimate.