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The counselor said WHAT????
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 391252" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>K, I think that's a good way. If he asks for more detail, though, it can't be kept hidden. And yes, the therapist was right - the body remembers. So does the mind at some level and it can really cause problems at surprising levels and in unexpected ways.</p><p></p><p>We never hid it form easy child, but she did forget. However, she always knew something had happened; we never let her forget that because I would mention it to her doctor when appropriate. But where we saw problems for easy child (even though we thought it was fine, dealt with, past news) was when she hit puberty. Different for a girl who was molested in a "you are too weak to fight me off" controlling kind of way. As she approached puberty she began to sabotage her body. All signs of impending physical maturity were met with denial, refusal and fear. Not interested in boys. Never will be, because sex hurts (as her abuser told her before he did whatever-he-did). Then at 14, she got a boyfriend. The only way she could cope with the relationship was long-distance. This was good; he lived hours away in the country, she had met him at camp. So they wrote to one another, telephoned one another. For years. Meanwhile, she had a boyfriend so other boys stayed friends only. This helped her feel safe. Again, we didn't realise this at the time. But whenever boyfriend was visiting Sydney and easy child was going to meet him, her anxiety would kick in full bore and she would be vomiting. Often we would have to drive her into the city because she was too ill to take the train by herself. One vivid memory is of easy child at Central Station Country Terminal, bending over the train tracks vomiting while boyfriend stood there shaking his head and saying, "Why do I always have this effect on her?" </p><p>We had told him of the abuse history, because this is when we were beginning to think it was a factor, even though she insisted she could not remember the incident any more. She wished she could, so she could deal with it and was angry at herself for shutting us out when she was younger.</p><p></p><p>She and that boyfriend are now married; he is now SIL1. But sexually, she has been afraid and conservative. Doesn't like talking about it at all. Getting married has, however, allied her current sexual experience with security and love, which has to be healing. She does seem to be relaxing a lot more in a lot of areas of her life.</p><p></p><p>We had no details to go into, and the details we did have, we generally did not mention. All we said was, "easy child was molested in the school playground when she was 5. The boy terrorised her, threatened her and was really mean. She was so afraid she did not tell us for two years. The boy was probably himself an abuse victim; he had known easy child since infancy. He is long gone and has no way to find us, nor we him. We are stronger than this but it shows how you need to be vigilant and to teach our children that this is wrong." We also had to emphasise, since kids internalise things, that easy child did nothing to deserve this. She was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.</p><p></p><p>We have no need to go into details. It's even possible to say that the abuse was of a very personal nature, or intimate nature. Or merely use the word "inappropriate". But it's also important to put it into perspective, because this in itself can be healing; a child who keeps focussing on "I am different, I feel different, AHA! This is why!" is not moving on, but finding excuses. At times in our childhood/adolescence we ALL feel different, and this is normal. There are a lot of things we could 'blame' and this is wrong, too. We need to find our own sense of personal responsibility, and while ever we find people or events to blame, we are not learning how to learn, how to improve ourselves and how to move on to new and better experiences.</p><p></p><p>A woman I know, my age, is physically handicapped. Born that way. In those days she was believed to be equally mentally handicapped and was treated accordingly. WHen she was about 10 years old she used to go to the local swimming pool every weekend, because swimming was good therapy for her; it strengthened her muscles. But there were boys there waiting for her. They would sexually molest her every week. She went to the pool every week because she knew she needed to do her therapy. But she also knew what to expect. She described this in her book, that she endured the abuse, waited until they were done, then got on with her swimming exercises. To her those boys were nothing. I don't know how she coped emotionally with the repeated abuse, without it affecting her; except that she took it in her stride and endured it as something she just had to endure if she was to get what she needed. She is a pragmatic person. Since then, in her later adulthood, she has found herself in a position where she was being regularly molested by a person working with disabled people who should have been caring for them and not molesting them. This man would take advantage of her need to be taken to the toilet (she has deteriorated physically over the years) and she is physically helpless to prevent this kind of attack. For time she was very upset, then she took control again, reported the creep and also removed herself form that particular group until the problem was resolved.</p><p></p><p>A big part of coping and healing, comes with control. I'm wondering as I type this, if your son's bad behaviour is connected with his need (insistence) to control what happens in his life. Teachers and parents often try to discipline by using control. "Because I said so, that's why!" is a classic example of what NOT to say to a child who feels a loss of control. It has become a survival mechanism, to take back the control than an abuser stole.</p><p></p><p>Anyway, I was just tossing in some thoughts and experiences. Take what fits and leave the rest.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 391252, member: 1991"] K, I think that's a good way. If he asks for more detail, though, it can't be kept hidden. And yes, the therapist was right - the body remembers. So does the mind at some level and it can really cause problems at surprising levels and in unexpected ways. We never hid it form easy child, but she did forget. However, she always knew something had happened; we never let her forget that because I would mention it to her doctor when appropriate. But where we saw problems for easy child (even though we thought it was fine, dealt with, past news) was when she hit puberty. Different for a girl who was molested in a "you are too weak to fight me off" controlling kind of way. As she approached puberty she began to sabotage her body. All signs of impending physical maturity were met with denial, refusal and fear. Not interested in boys. Never will be, because sex hurts (as her abuser told her before he did whatever-he-did). Then at 14, she got a boyfriend. The only way she could cope with the relationship was long-distance. This was good; he lived hours away in the country, she had met him at camp. So they wrote to one another, telephoned one another. For years. Meanwhile, she had a boyfriend so other boys stayed friends only. This helped her feel safe. Again, we didn't realise this at the time. But whenever boyfriend was visiting Sydney and easy child was going to meet him, her anxiety would kick in full bore and she would be vomiting. Often we would have to drive her into the city because she was too ill to take the train by herself. One vivid memory is of easy child at Central Station Country Terminal, bending over the train tracks vomiting while boyfriend stood there shaking his head and saying, "Why do I always have this effect on her?" We had told him of the abuse history, because this is when we were beginning to think it was a factor, even though she insisted she could not remember the incident any more. She wished she could, so she could deal with it and was angry at herself for shutting us out when she was younger. She and that boyfriend are now married; he is now SIL1. But sexually, she has been afraid and conservative. Doesn't like talking about it at all. Getting married has, however, allied her current sexual experience with security and love, which has to be healing. She does seem to be relaxing a lot more in a lot of areas of her life. We had no details to go into, and the details we did have, we generally did not mention. All we said was, "easy child was molested in the school playground when she was 5. The boy terrorised her, threatened her and was really mean. She was so afraid she did not tell us for two years. The boy was probably himself an abuse victim; he had known easy child since infancy. He is long gone and has no way to find us, nor we him. We are stronger than this but it shows how you need to be vigilant and to teach our children that this is wrong." We also had to emphasise, since kids internalise things, that easy child did nothing to deserve this. She was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. We have no need to go into details. It's even possible to say that the abuse was of a very personal nature, or intimate nature. Or merely use the word "inappropriate". But it's also important to put it into perspective, because this in itself can be healing; a child who keeps focussing on "I am different, I feel different, AHA! This is why!" is not moving on, but finding excuses. At times in our childhood/adolescence we ALL feel different, and this is normal. There are a lot of things we could 'blame' and this is wrong, too. We need to find our own sense of personal responsibility, and while ever we find people or events to blame, we are not learning how to learn, how to improve ourselves and how to move on to new and better experiences. A woman I know, my age, is physically handicapped. Born that way. In those days she was believed to be equally mentally handicapped and was treated accordingly. WHen she was about 10 years old she used to go to the local swimming pool every weekend, because swimming was good therapy for her; it strengthened her muscles. But there were boys there waiting for her. They would sexually molest her every week. She went to the pool every week because she knew she needed to do her therapy. But she also knew what to expect. She described this in her book, that she endured the abuse, waited until they were done, then got on with her swimming exercises. To her those boys were nothing. I don't know how she coped emotionally with the repeated abuse, without it affecting her; except that she took it in her stride and endured it as something she just had to endure if she was to get what she needed. She is a pragmatic person. Since then, in her later adulthood, she has found herself in a position where she was being regularly molested by a person working with disabled people who should have been caring for them and not molesting them. This man would take advantage of her need to be taken to the toilet (she has deteriorated physically over the years) and she is physically helpless to prevent this kind of attack. For time she was very upset, then she took control again, reported the creep and also removed herself form that particular group until the problem was resolved. A big part of coping and healing, comes with control. I'm wondering as I type this, if your son's bad behaviour is connected with his need (insistence) to control what happens in his life. Teachers and parents often try to discipline by using control. "Because I said so, that's why!" is a classic example of what NOT to say to a child who feels a loss of control. It has become a survival mechanism, to take back the control than an abuser stole. Anyway, I was just tossing in some thoughts and experiences. Take what fits and leave the rest. Marg [/QUOTE]
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