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General Parenting
The Denial is Just Shocking
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<blockquote data-quote="slsh" data-source="post: 287263" data-attributes="member: 8"><p>WSM - I think denial is pretty common and I guess almost to be expected. None of us expected to have children with significant disabilities. It wasn't something we even thought about, you know?</p><p> </p><p>Just based on life with my husband, and having 2 kids with severe disabilities, I have to say I understand where your husband is coming from. Much easier to grab hold of this thought that someone is setting up difficult child rather than come to terms with the fact that difficult child has significant problems. From a rational standpoint, it's ridiculous of course. But from an emotional standpoint, it makes sense. I'm not sure any of us begin to accept our child's disability until there is absolutely no other choice. Standing in your husband's shoes, right now there *is* another choice. He's latched onto this suggestion, or perceived suggestion, that something is wrong in the house and it's not difficult child's behaviors. </p><p> </p><p>I'm not sure there is much to be done to fight denial. It's a powerful thing, especially when it comes to our kids. We want more than anything for them to be okay. </p><p> </p><p>Unfortunately, it's detrimental to difficult child because he won't get the level of treatment that he needs until husband comes around, and it sounds like husband won't come around until he has no other choice. You're in a very difficult position. </p><p> </p><p>A funny story about denial from my father. When I was 10 or so, something clued my mom into the fact that I needed to get my eyes checked, can't remember what. Anyway, we went and discovered that I'm as blind as a bat - can't even see the big "E" at the top of the eyechart. So I get my glasses and I'll never forget that day - I was reading road signs and license plate numbers and billboards all the way home. It was the first time I could actually *see* stuff. It was amazing. My father was simply *devastated*. No child of his needed glasses. Truly, he was just completely wrecked over it. It's made me chuckle as I've raised my own kids - my father would not have survived my parenthood experience, LOL. It's all relative though. </p><p> </p><p>Divorce reared it's head in my own marriage, when we were in the beginnings of the worst of our difficult child's behaviors and we were getting some really stupid advice and explanations from therapists. I can't tell you how we survived it, because I don't know. Dumb luck, true love, or just plain stubborness. Probably a combination of the 3. But when we finally did cross divorce off as an option, things got better in terms of husband and me working together. He certainly hasn't always agreed with- my choices, but since I was the one who was dealing with difficult child 80% of the time, he's always backed me. If he has felt strongly about something, we've discussed it without turning it into personal attacks. It hasn't been easy and it sure as heck hasn't been a whole lot of fun sometimes, but... we've survived and around here that's about as good as it gets.</p><p> </p><p>I wish I had some good advice for you on getting your husband on the same page, but I think it's just time. Pretty pathetic answer, and I'm sorry. Many gentle hugs to you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="slsh, post: 287263, member: 8"] WSM - I think denial is pretty common and I guess almost to be expected. None of us expected to have children with significant disabilities. It wasn't something we even thought about, you know? Just based on life with my husband, and having 2 kids with severe disabilities, I have to say I understand where your husband is coming from. Much easier to grab hold of this thought that someone is setting up difficult child rather than come to terms with the fact that difficult child has significant problems. From a rational standpoint, it's ridiculous of course. But from an emotional standpoint, it makes sense. I'm not sure any of us begin to accept our child's disability until there is absolutely no other choice. Standing in your husband's shoes, right now there *is* another choice. He's latched onto this suggestion, or perceived suggestion, that something is wrong in the house and it's not difficult child's behaviors. I'm not sure there is much to be done to fight denial. It's a powerful thing, especially when it comes to our kids. We want more than anything for them to be okay. Unfortunately, it's detrimental to difficult child because he won't get the level of treatment that he needs until husband comes around, and it sounds like husband won't come around until he has no other choice. You're in a very difficult position. A funny story about denial from my father. When I was 10 or so, something clued my mom into the fact that I needed to get my eyes checked, can't remember what. Anyway, we went and discovered that I'm as blind as a bat - can't even see the big "E" at the top of the eyechart. So I get my glasses and I'll never forget that day - I was reading road signs and license plate numbers and billboards all the way home. It was the first time I could actually *see* stuff. It was amazing. My father was simply *devastated*. No child of his needed glasses. Truly, he was just completely wrecked over it. It's made me chuckle as I've raised my own kids - my father would not have survived my parenthood experience, LOL. It's all relative though. Divorce reared it's head in my own marriage, when we were in the beginnings of the worst of our difficult child's behaviors and we were getting some really stupid advice and explanations from therapists. I can't tell you how we survived it, because I don't know. Dumb luck, true love, or just plain stubborness. Probably a combination of the 3. But when we finally did cross divorce off as an option, things got better in terms of husband and me working together. He certainly hasn't always agreed with- my choices, but since I was the one who was dealing with difficult child 80% of the time, he's always backed me. If he has felt strongly about something, we've discussed it without turning it into personal attacks. It hasn't been easy and it sure as heck hasn't been a whole lot of fun sometimes, but... we've survived and around here that's about as good as it gets. I wish I had some good advice for you on getting your husband on the same page, but I think it's just time. Pretty pathetic answer, and I'm sorry. Many gentle hugs to you. [/QUOTE]
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