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The Watercooler
The elephant in the room for all with abusive relatives
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<blockquote data-quote="Nomad" data-source="post: 641596" data-attributes="member: 4152"><p>MWM...every time you speak about your father here, I immediately recall that he is a narcissist and empathize with you completely. My father was also a narcissist and at times it seemed as if he dipped into sociopathic tendencies. When you mentioned that shove of an elderly woman....OMG...I cringed. It is shocking to the core that someone, anyone...would not at the VERY least, have remorse for doing something so horrifying. I think you are handling the situation with him not speaking to you as well as can be expected. Thank goodness you have enough strength and self esteem to have figured this all out and to know that he is sick and that there isn't anything you can do to change him. I agree, you must set boundaries and protect yourself. I often didn't speak with my dad for years. When he got older, I called once or twice a year to see if he needed anything...even though ironically, he had more financial security and better health than myself at the time. He was VERy violent to me and my mother (who died young) and never felt the need to apologize, etc. the kind of stuff that definitely would get a person arrested...yet no remorse. Our daughter had brain surgery and he never inquired about her health. My sicknesses (autoimmune stuff) gave him good discussion and fodder to get people to feel sorry for him. The truth was, he never helped me or my kids one iota. He sent a small check for our son's first birthday, nothing for our adopted daughters first birthday and nothing from then on for birthdays or Christmases. There are a million stories...much worse. When he was dying, I did what I could to make his last days comfortable. His girlfriend told some nurses that I was basically absent from his life and one thought I was a very mean person. I did NOT tell her any stories...just said that he was not a good father. I have stories that would change their tune. But, I don't care so much. My prayer when he died was that at the very end (I know this was unlikely) that he made his peace with God and might enjoy good health (good mental health) in the afterlife. I don't have any regrets. The truth is, as you well know, they are very sad, frightened individuals who feel horribly inadequate. They are impossible to deal with and if they are verbally or physically abusive, it is absolutely not worth it. Don't feel an ounce of guilt. Do whatever you need and want to do. Amen about not being controlled by the money. My father made so little money, it was my mothers money that he had...very long story there. And he did threaten me too. They are scared, sick, controlling weasels. In the end, he did give a nice junk of money to his cousin who is also a narcissist and also was very likely manipulating him. Maybe, if it's safe, keep an eye out on him to protect him at least a little from blood sucking relatives. BUT...as you know...letting yourself be abused for the money is not worth it. Ironically, I think my dad realized at the VERY end he was being "played" by the cousin and his girlfriend. But, I don't think I ever could have told him this. I just stayed out of it. Sad. Oh, I actually also feel strongly that my father loved me...but what a freakin, sick mess with these folks. Anyway, you can predict his every move... You are in complete control. Blessings.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Nomad, post: 641596, member: 4152"] MWM...every time you speak about your father here, I immediately recall that he is a narcissist and empathize with you completely. My father was also a narcissist and at times it seemed as if he dipped into sociopathic tendencies. When you mentioned that shove of an elderly woman....OMG...I cringed. It is shocking to the core that someone, anyone...would not at the VERY least, have remorse for doing something so horrifying. I think you are handling the situation with him not speaking to you as well as can be expected. Thank goodness you have enough strength and self esteem to have figured this all out and to know that he is sick and that there isn't anything you can do to change him. I agree, you must set boundaries and protect yourself. I often didn't speak with my dad for years. When he got older, I called once or twice a year to see if he needed anything...even though ironically, he had more financial security and better health than myself at the time. He was VERy violent to me and my mother (who died young) and never felt the need to apologize, etc. the kind of stuff that definitely would get a person arrested...yet no remorse. Our daughter had brain surgery and he never inquired about her health. My sicknesses (autoimmune stuff) gave him good discussion and fodder to get people to feel sorry for him. The truth was, he never helped me or my kids one iota. He sent a small check for our son's first birthday, nothing for our adopted daughters first birthday and nothing from then on for birthdays or Christmases. There are a million stories...much worse. When he was dying, I did what I could to make his last days comfortable. His girlfriend told some nurses that I was basically absent from his life and one thought I was a very mean person. I did NOT tell her any stories...just said that he was not a good father. I have stories that would change their tune. But, I don't care so much. My prayer when he died was that at the very end (I know this was unlikely) that he made his peace with God and might enjoy good health (good mental health) in the afterlife. I don't have any regrets. The truth is, as you well know, they are very sad, frightened individuals who feel horribly inadequate. They are impossible to deal with and if they are verbally or physically abusive, it is absolutely not worth it. Don't feel an ounce of guilt. Do whatever you need and want to do. Amen about not being controlled by the money. My father made so little money, it was my mothers money that he had...very long story there. And he did threaten me too. They are scared, sick, controlling weasels. In the end, he did give a nice junk of money to his cousin who is also a narcissist and also was very likely manipulating him. Maybe, if it's safe, keep an eye out on him to protect him at least a little from blood sucking relatives. BUT...as you know...letting yourself be abused for the money is not worth it. Ironically, I think my dad realized at the VERY end he was being "played" by the cousin and his girlfriend. But, I don't think I ever could have told him this. I just stayed out of it. Sad. Oh, I actually also feel strongly that my father loved me...but what a freakin, sick mess with these folks. Anyway, you can predict his every move... You are in complete control. Blessings. [/QUOTE]
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