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The elephant in the room for all with abusive relatives
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 641685" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Or feeling responsible for the crazy; for the mean, stupid things people who are supposed to love you do to you, instead. </p><p></p><p>I am just getting this recovery piece. Wow, what a whirling change in perception!</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>That disrespect piece; that making sure you never get above yourself by using the respect you require yourself to have for your father to destroy your beginning respect for yourself. What nasty people these are.</p><p></p><p>My mother is the same. I am only beginning to see it now, through what you have written about your father, MWM.</p><p></p><p>These are the toxins we cannot detect, when we have anything at all to do with our families of origin.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I hope you are never ready to allow him to treat you in such a way ever again, MWM. </p><p></p><p>Can you imagine what freedom from fear of him (of for me, freedom from fear of my mother) will taste like? Everything will be different.</p><p></p><p>Everything.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>The miracle is that we survived it, at all. What might life have been, who might we have been, had we not been groomed in service to their stupidly toxic reality?</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>It is sad, in a way, but it is triumphant, too. <em>We can see them for who they are now, MWM. And we will never be taken advantage of again ~ not be them, and not by anyone like them.</em></p><p></p><p>WOOT! WOOT!</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>I wish I could make a smiley with sharp teeth.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>It feels wrong to challenge the worldview of an abusive parent.</p><p></p><p>How sad for those innocent little girls that we were, for this to have happened to us.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>But it is not safe.</p><p></p><p>Hallelujiah, at least we know that, now.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>This is very good.</p><p></p><p>I will absolutely remember this.</p><p></p><p>There is so often that feeling of none of the pieces fitting. That is the feeling of abuse. It isn't that I have to figure out where I missed something important. It IS not to make sense out of nonsense. When we invite our abusers into our worlds, the pieces are never going to make sense.</p><p></p><p>What a relief, to finally understand that.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Just as we would for a physical injury.</p><p></p><p>Though we never see the blood, we are bleeding, just the same. We bleed self respect, we bleed sanity itself.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Kudos to you, MWM.</p><p></p><p>From one amazingly black, excruciatingly ostracized sheep to another.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>Can you believe it? Here we thought it was us, all these years.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>My mom does this, too. Only she goes on for hours, to any one of her children who will listen, about how rotten our paternal grandmother was. <em>I never was able to understand, prior to rereading this thread, that my mother is attempting to destroy for us the one person in our childhood's who loved and defended us.</em></p><p></p><p>Even to this day she does this, destroys our grandmother to us, with incredible energy for an eighty something year old person. And here is the weird little kicker: she is devoting this kind of energy to destroy a woman long dead to "children" in their sixties.</p><p></p><p>How sick are these people?!?</p><p></p><p>I feel badly for myself, and for all of us, to have been raised by such people.</p><p></p><p>How amazing that we survived it.</p><p></p><p>Is that the dynamic at work beneath your mother's comments, do you think? Something designed to hurt you, to leave you seeing yourself as less than, as somehow invalidated in your own eyes?</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>But what kind of mother is it who does the kinds of things our mothers do? We excuse them because they are old...but they are still mean and dangerous as snakes, these nasty, nasty peope.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p><p></p><p>I think that once we make it through this part, we will never approval-seek, again.</p><p></p><p>How cool will that be?</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>I had to edit this part in. I am going through this whole thing about approval seeking and perfectionism and repeatedly having been shunned by my own mother. So what I should have said is not "our" approval seeking, but only my own approval seeking.</p><p></p><p>This is an incredible thread.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 641685, member: 17461"] Or feeling responsible for the crazy; for the mean, stupid things people who are supposed to love you do to you, instead. I am just getting this recovery piece. Wow, what a whirling change in perception! That disrespect piece; that making sure you never get above yourself by using the respect you require yourself to have for your father to destroy your beginning respect for yourself. What nasty people these are. My mother is the same. I am only beginning to see it now, through what you have written about your father, MWM. These are the toxins we cannot detect, when we have anything at all to do with our families of origin. I hope you are never ready to allow him to treat you in such a way ever again, MWM. Can you imagine what freedom from fear of him (of for me, freedom from fear of my mother) will taste like? Everything will be different. Everything. The miracle is that we survived it, at all. What might life have been, who might we have been, had we not been groomed in service to their stupidly toxic reality? It is sad, in a way, but it is triumphant, too. [I]We can see them for who they are now, MWM. And we will never be taken advantage of again ~ not be them, and not by anyone like them.[/I] WOOT! WOOT! :O) I wish I could make a smiley with sharp teeth. It feels wrong to challenge the worldview of an abusive parent. How sad for those innocent little girls that we were, for this to have happened to us. But it is not safe. Hallelujiah, at least we know that, now. This is very good. I will absolutely remember this. There is so often that feeling of none of the pieces fitting. That is the feeling of abuse. It isn't that I have to figure out where I missed something important. It IS not to make sense out of nonsense. When we invite our abusers into our worlds, the pieces are never going to make sense. What a relief, to finally understand that. Just as we would for a physical injury. Though we never see the blood, we are bleeding, just the same. We bleed self respect, we bleed sanity itself. Kudos to you, MWM. From one amazingly black, excruciatingly ostracized sheep to another. :O) Can you believe it? Here we thought it was us, all these years. My mom does this, too. Only she goes on for hours, to any one of her children who will listen, about how rotten our paternal grandmother was. [I]I never was able to understand, prior to rereading this thread, that my mother is attempting to destroy for us the one person in our childhood's who loved and defended us.[/I] Even to this day she does this, destroys our grandmother to us, with incredible energy for an eighty something year old person. And here is the weird little kicker: she is devoting this kind of energy to destroy a woman long dead to "children" in their sixties. How sick are these people?!? I feel badly for myself, and for all of us, to have been raised by such people. How amazing that we survived it. Is that the dynamic at work beneath your mother's comments, do you think? Something designed to hurt you, to leave you seeing yourself as less than, as somehow invalidated in your own eyes? But what kind of mother is it who does the kinds of things our mothers do? We excuse them because they are old...but they are still mean and dangerous as snakes, these nasty, nasty peope. Cedar I think that once we make it through this part, we will never approval-seek, again. How cool will that be? *** I had to edit this part in. I am going through this whole thing about approval seeking and perfectionism and repeatedly having been shunned by my own mother. So what I should have said is not "our" approval seeking, but only my own approval seeking. This is an incredible thread. [/QUOTE]
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The elephant in the room for all with abusive relatives
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