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The elephant in the room for all with abusive relatives
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 641689" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>pasajes4, what a good point. I learned so much from my mother about how not to be a parent. I also became the compassionate one, always with an antennae out for those who are alone and maybe want to be included. I always reach out, maybe because I wish this would have happened to me.</p><p></p><p>Our society needs to stop brainwashing the masses that because you share DNA with somebody, you must respect that person. People in my opinion earn respect, and how is it that a DNA connection makes you an emotional connection or a love connection? I think this is old fashion thinking and will eventually be challenged, if it isn't already. This is why adopted families were seen as "lesser than." They are not DNA relatives, but souls loved in your heart and soul...somehow that is not enough to some people. I feel sorry for those who feel that way. They will forever try to make their DNA love them, even if they are terrible people, and will not look for others, who are not connected by DNA, to perhaps be their true family-of-the-heart. It's time to admit that Beaver Cleaver and The Brady Bunch (who are not all DNA related, by the way) do not exist in most homes.</p><p></p><p>I have had lots of time to wonder if I am lesser than because my borderline mother didn't love me. The thinking is that "If your mother doesn't love you, who will?"</p><p></p><p>LOTS OF PEOPLE.</p><p></p><p>My mother liked to tell me a story, not in a mean way, but just matter-of-factly. She did not think that maybe it hurt me. And I am not sure it did. But it says a lot about her ability to bond, which has nothing at all to do with me.</p><p></p><p>"When I was pregnant, I felt nothing. All my friends told me that when I held the baby, I would feel love, but when I held you, I felt nothing, absolutely nothing. Of course, I learned to love you lots and lots...." (No, you didn't.)</p><p></p><p>To my sister she said, "If abortion had been legal, you would have been an abortion. Of course, I'm glad I had you."</p><p></p><p>What kind of person shares things like that? I believe in total honesty with my children unless it may hurt them. However, I admit I never didn't want any of my kids!!!! But, if I had felt the way my mother did, I would never have shared that with them. That is the sort of thing you don't need to ever tell.</p><p></p><p>Now my narcissistic father: A life changing event was when he was screaming at me, as per usual, about how all of us were failures to him. Other people can brag about their kids, but what does HE have to brag about? My brother, who is brilliant, successful and has serious Crohn's Disease, is a BIG FAILURE because he never married and my father's wonderful, iconic last name will die with him so he is a failure. My sister is Catholic, rather than Jewish, and married a lazy bum so she is a loser. I married out of my religion...in fact I STARTED THIS TREND...and I am not rich and don't even own my own home so I'm a loser. Then he went on and on about at least we could have married Jewish people because all Jews aer wonderful husbands and good supporters, just like him. Didn't he feed us, give us a home, put braces on our teeth, take us on vacations every year (no, he didn't take us on vacations, but whatever. Nor did we live high on the hog)."</p><p></p><p>I got off the phone and thought, "He's crazy. He had kids only for what we could do for him. If he doesn't feel we aer an asset to him, we don't matter. He is Jewish and his friends aer Jewish and Jews have long wanted their kids to marry other Jews so because my sister and I didn't do that, we were instantly failures. But because the men didn't make a fortune, he couldn't brag about THAT either so we were double losers. And the fact that my brother has never gone on disability or not worked because of his Crohn's Disease is negated because he didn't marry, have a kid, and carry on the important family last name.</p><p></p><p>When the three of us were still talking, we used to discuss this a lot. In the end, because of our horrendous upbringing, we could not keep up a relationship. All of us have coped in very different ways and I am the only one who has received long term mental health services. My sister likes to pretend it's not so bad as in "Lots of peopole have crazy famlies." I do not know what my brother thinks. He was the Good One in the family. He is even the only one my father will sometimes protect. I know my brother worshipped my mother. That's all I know.</p><p></p><p>Anyhow, lots of food for thought here. Lots.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 641689, member: 1550"] pasajes4, what a good point. I learned so much from my mother about how not to be a parent. I also became the compassionate one, always with an antennae out for those who are alone and maybe want to be included. I always reach out, maybe because I wish this would have happened to me. Our society needs to stop brainwashing the masses that because you share DNA with somebody, you must respect that person. People in my opinion earn respect, and how is it that a DNA connection makes you an emotional connection or a love connection? I think this is old fashion thinking and will eventually be challenged, if it isn't already. This is why adopted families were seen as "lesser than." They are not DNA relatives, but souls loved in your heart and soul...somehow that is not enough to some people. I feel sorry for those who feel that way. They will forever try to make their DNA love them, even if they are terrible people, and will not look for others, who are not connected by DNA, to perhaps be their true family-of-the-heart. It's time to admit that Beaver Cleaver and The Brady Bunch (who are not all DNA related, by the way) do not exist in most homes. I have had lots of time to wonder if I am lesser than because my borderline mother didn't love me. The thinking is that "If your mother doesn't love you, who will?" LOTS OF PEOPLE. My mother liked to tell me a story, not in a mean way, but just matter-of-factly. She did not think that maybe it hurt me. And I am not sure it did. But it says a lot about her ability to bond, which has nothing at all to do with me. "When I was pregnant, I felt nothing. All my friends told me that when I held the baby, I would feel love, but when I held you, I felt nothing, absolutely nothing. Of course, I learned to love you lots and lots...." (No, you didn't.) To my sister she said, "If abortion had been legal, you would have been an abortion. Of course, I'm glad I had you." What kind of person shares things like that? I believe in total honesty with my children unless it may hurt them. However, I admit I never didn't want any of my kids!!!! But, if I had felt the way my mother did, I would never have shared that with them. That is the sort of thing you don't need to ever tell. Now my narcissistic father: A life changing event was when he was screaming at me, as per usual, about how all of us were failures to him. Other people can brag about their kids, but what does HE have to brag about? My brother, who is brilliant, successful and has serious Crohn's Disease, is a BIG FAILURE because he never married and my father's wonderful, iconic last name will die with him so he is a failure. My sister is Catholic, rather than Jewish, and married a lazy bum so she is a loser. I married out of my religion...in fact I STARTED THIS TREND...and I am not rich and don't even own my own home so I'm a loser. Then he went on and on about at least we could have married Jewish people because all Jews aer wonderful husbands and good supporters, just like him. Didn't he feed us, give us a home, put braces on our teeth, take us on vacations every year (no, he didn't take us on vacations, but whatever. Nor did we live high on the hog)." I got off the phone and thought, "He's crazy. He had kids only for what we could do for him. If he doesn't feel we aer an asset to him, we don't matter. He is Jewish and his friends aer Jewish and Jews have long wanted their kids to marry other Jews so because my sister and I didn't do that, we were instantly failures. But because the men didn't make a fortune, he couldn't brag about THAT either so we were double losers. And the fact that my brother has never gone on disability or not worked because of his Crohn's Disease is negated because he didn't marry, have a kid, and carry on the important family last name. When the three of us were still talking, we used to discuss this a lot. In the end, because of our horrendous upbringing, we could not keep up a relationship. All of us have coped in very different ways and I am the only one who has received long term mental health services. My sister likes to pretend it's not so bad as in "Lots of peopole have crazy famlies." I do not know what my brother thinks. He was the Good One in the family. He is even the only one my father will sometimes protect. I know my brother worshipped my mother. That's all I know. Anyhow, lots of food for thought here. Lots. [/QUOTE]
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