the good, the bad and the ugly - an update on us

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by pigless in VA, Jan 30, 2016.

  1. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Well-Known Member

    Hi y'all.

    The good news is that Ferb has been doing better for the past few months. Last year, he begged (seriously) me to get him an appointment with an anger management therapist. I think the straw for him was when he slammed his cell phone down and broke it. I refused to buy him another one. He has been willingly seeing the new therapist for over a year. I think it is truly helping him.

    The ugly is that over the summer I discovered that Ferb had been using my credit card to make unauthorized purchases for his X-box. The damage exceeded $4000. Granted, he'd been making these purchases for several years and it's on me that I didn't recognize what was happening sooner. Not finished yet. the cat posted for me.
  2. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Well-Known Member

    Argh! The cat deleted everything I was going to add! She is now out.

    The X-box is now gone. Ferb has a job as a cashier and is steadily repaying the debt. I joined a discussion forum for people with gaming addiction. I thought that it would be wonderful and supportive and active like this forum. It is not. I thought you should know that this is amazing group of people who really care about each other. It's impressive.

    And the bad is that husband's only brother also died by suicide. Unlike the situation with husband where I knew he was ill, I had no idea that brother in law was depressed. I knew he was grieving the loss of his brother. I knew he was very lonely. I knew his parents are impossible to work with. I didn't know that the burdens were too much for him. I wish he had reached out to me, but he didn't. It's a tough burden for Ferb: to have the two men closest to him die this way.

    I think that he is slowly maturing, handling his own anger better and being responsible says a lot for his character.

    Ha, cat! I finished.
  3. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    I love your name. I have a cat, too. Why do they walk on our keyboards?!? I thought mine was the only one.

    She has posted the craziest things before I was ready.

    I think so, too.


    I am happy you are here with us, too.

    I am sorry things are difficult, pigless in Virginia. (Love that name!) It sounds like you are gentle and kind and strict too, with your son.

    Sending good mojo.

  4. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    My cat is the same, she says "purrrrrr, purrrrr, get off that darn computer and pet ME!" {POST} Arrrgghhh!

    I am so sorry for your losses, I cannot begin to imagine the pain of it. You have found us here, and I agree with you, this is an amazing group of kind and caring souls.

    I am glad that your son is making progress. It is wonderful that he is working to pay off his debt to you.

    I do not care for video games, not one bit. Oh, I used to play Pacman, and Tetrus really, really robbed me once upon a time, I got so into masterfully placing those darn blocks, to get the highest points, the reward, jingly music and a ROCKET. OH BOY! Before I knew it, hours would pass by. Nothing done.
    It is amazing what our minds focus on and get addicted to.

    Electronics are very powerful. I watch young people with their phones. DING! It is a TEXT! They have to answer it right away. PRONTO.
    It reminds me of the old experiment, Pavlovs dog. It is called conditioning. He would ring a bell, every time he fed his dog, it got to the point that the dog would salivate at the bell, food or not.

    I think electronics and games condition our minds. I had a student who played some very violent video games. His mom wondered why he was so impulsive and angry. I think the games played a large part in his behaviors.

    I am glad you saw the problem and took steps to fix it.
    Good for you.

    Keep up the good work! You are a great mom!

    I have to ask you about your name. We raised a few pigs. We are now pigless, too. (we ate them). One may think this is terrible, but pigs just keep growing bigger and bigger, (I confess, they were yummy).

  5. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Well-Known Member

    LOL, New Leaf. I used to have Vietnamese pot-bellied pigs years ago. My ex forced me to move back to the city, and I had to find the pigs a new home. Giving up the 4 legged pigs was a lot harder than giving up the 2 legged pig. We also had one hog which became a BBQ dinner. I couldn't eat Harold, but it was fine with me that everyone else enjoyed him.

    I agree. Ferb's behavior has improved drastically since he lost both the cell phone and the X-box. He is also learning a lot about himself while having to work in a customer service position. He notices when his boss is snappy and angry. Ferb is able to keep his cool at work even when frustrated by communication issues. He says one of the most maddening things is when he asks a customer if they want a girl toy or a boy toy with the kid's meal. Sometimes the parent doesn't understand the question and only nods vigorously. I think the real world experience has been the most valuable teaching tool for him.

    I had difficulty with Candy in the fall. She developed the nasty teen girl attitude. I tried taking the cell phone away for a week. Then I took it for a month. Now it is gone for good. Interestingly, her attitude has improved immensely. I struggle with the issue of keeping tabs on them at times, but most of their friends have cell phones and will willingly text me. The hardest thing for me is allowing Ferb to walk home from work without a cell. I have to trust that he will find a way to handle any emergency.

    I also work in a middle school. I'm a one-on-one aide for a boy with autism, so we spend most of the day in the Special Education classrooms. We do have some contact with the general ed kids. There are 4 boys who are heavy into gaming. All 4 of them struggle with being defiant, disrespectful, angry and surly. I suspect that the heavy gaming is a piece of it - the violence and aggressiveness of it. I also think that the intense draw of the gaming addiction interferes with the kids' sleep. All of the boys seem dog-tired. It is noteworthy that each of these boys has huge difficulties speaking to other kids. Their whole life is gaming. When we do social skills activities with them, some of the more introverted kids outshine them with social skills. They know what to say, and they have life activities to contribute to the conversation. The gamer boys are only comfortable discussing gaming. Actually, it's stronger than that. They only WANT to discuss gaming. They are fixated on gaming. They despise talking about any other subject.

    Ferb denies being addicted to gaming. I know his goal is to pay the debt and get back to gaming. I hope he develops another interest.

    Cedar, the stupid cat was lying next to the computer while I was typing. I thought she'd be okay, but she leaned on it in just the wrong way. Lesson learned.
  6. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    You are funny, "easier to give up the two legged pig"........

    My office mate has a mini piggy, she cost $1500.00!!!!!!! She weighs 15 pounds, I told her, man that is expensive pork- $100 a pound.....I would love to have a mini pet pig but
    1. Can't afford one
    2. There are hunting dogs in our area, recipe for disaster.

    We have a few kids on the spectrum in our school. I feel for their parents, I really do, it is hard. The problem we have, is the parents use electronics and games as "babysitters" and basically give these kids what ever they want. It makes it hard on the SPED teachers and EAs to manage their behaviors. Yes, EAs. Our State has pretty much phased out skills trainers, and uses educational assistance people as "one on ones". DOE has to hire skills trainers from private companies for the more challenged kids. It is a hard job, I give you guys credit.
    WOW, just wow. Good for you Pigless. This is almost unheard of! A teen without a cell phone......I can imagine that they were horrified!
    I actually resisted cell phones until 9/11 happened. Remember when there was controversy over whether or not they caused brain tumors back then? Now, it is coming up again. Also the habit of using our bras as "holders" for cell phones, there is some evidence that it can cause breast cancer. Don't use your bra as a cell phone pocket. One of our younger workers just found out she has breast cancer right in the area of her "bra cell phone holder". I digress......

    Your son has no phone too, what a great money saver!!!

    Do you remember before the days of home gaming, there used to be "game rooms?" I read an article back then, that the military would go to these game rooms and recruit young gamers.

    Of course he denies it. Huh. All of our kids deny addiction, if only they could see what we do. Life would be so much easier............

    Congratulations on putting your foot down with your kids and being a good warrior mom. My son is 14, too, what a fun age. He just broke up with his girlfriend. That was tough. Other parents were aghast that I would "allow" it. I said, well I do not want them to sneak around, seemed like more trouble. Long story short, son now says he will not have a girlfriend through high school or college "too much hassle." I am sort of glad he found that one out.....
    He is doing well in school, former SPED student, learning disabled- slow processor. His elementary school was fantastic and slowly weaned him out of SPED by Middle School. He is now taking two honors classes, a bit of struggle in english, but excelling in all other mainstream classes. YAY!

    Thank you for everything you do with kids. There can never be enough pay for the work you do.

    Keep doing what you are doing with your own kids, you are very sensible and wise. Most of all, find time for yourself! We moms forget to do that!

  7. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Good to see you Pigless! I'm glad he is seeking therapy willingly! Sorry to hear about the gaming problem-that has to be so difficult. I'm also very sorry to hear about your brother-in-law-so tragic.
  8. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Well-Known Member

    My working title is IA for "instructional assistant." Basically, I have to prompt my charge to do everything. Working with him is fine, although getting paid more would be appreciated. I have more difficulty wrapping my mind around how 3 of the kids could make it to middle school and not be able to read. I also think that if they cannot read, that reading should be the primary focus of their instruction. The school system is failing those kids.

    Hi, Sharon. Yes, I am very proud of Ferb for requesting this specific therapy. He had been seeing the same therapist since he was 8. The initial therapist had talked to him through his father's crazy time, death and uncle's death. I knew that the initial therapist was being too soft on Ferb and not pushing him to grow up. The new therapist is very good with helping him find better ways to cope with his anger and also expects him to be responsible for his actions. I like him.