The Guidance meeting did not go well

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by StressedM0mma, Dec 1, 2011.

  1. StressedM0mma

    StressedM0mma Active Member

    The guidance counselor went to get her, and I knew what would happen. She immediately went on the defensive. She started picking at her hands and I could see how fast her heart was beating. G.C. told her he called the meeting because he is concerned about her grades. She sat there and lied and said that she is fixing them. That is really hard to do when you never do your H.W. She would not here about dropping down. So the G.C. said she could have until the 9th to prove that she can do it. With a 28 in math I think it is impossible. She told the counselor that she just wants us to leave her alone and not bother her. So...
    I am almost to the point of saying fine you think you can handle this, and you want us to leave you alone? Ok we will, and let her fall flat on her face.
    The good thing is that the G.C. saw her in her true light, and saw what we have to deal with.

    I have to pick her up at 2:40 this afternoon. And, I am alittle worried that she may not be there. I am worried she might run. She has tried before, but we have stopped it. But, she can walk away from school when it is over, and no one would know. And, I am not looking forward to the backlash. She has made my anxiety go through the roof. I am constantly on edge. And I cannot remember when I have laughed the last time. This is hard. Breathe...
  2. Ktllc

    Ktllc New Member

    Try to breathe, maybe you're right: leave her alone even if it means failing classes. Do you think she needs to see it for herself? A lot of people on this board talk about natural consequences, it might be a good idea to apply it in this instence.
    What are your worst fears about her failing classes? I assume she is a very smart girl since she takes advance classes, so no worry there. Right now her mental health is not the best and, maybe, you need to just listen to her (easier said than done!). Remember, one can always catch up a few classes but playing catch up in parent/child relationship is a whole different story.
    If my advice don't apply to your situation just throw it out the window!
  3. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Now, now... listen up.

    You've got too many irons in the fire at the same time.
    There's no way any one of us are gonna land them all the right way up...

    First... she's in a state of temporary insanity. You know that already. You're in the process for getting help for that already.

    The rest of this... is just an attempt at damage control.
    There will be other ways to control the damage... once you get to the bottom of the other stuff, or even just find the end of the string so you can start to unravel it all.

    If this comes up as a sleep disorder and/or thyroid or iron deficiency and/or other stuff... school WILL cut her slack. Medically, it will be obvious that she shouldn't have even been in school...

    SO... pour the energy into that half first?
    Just my take, of course...
  4. buddy

    buddy New Member

    I totally agree with IC and with the need to breathe. been there done that, lol. It is not all or is first things first. She needs to get healthy. So, if this is gonna take some summer school or accomodations once you know what is going on, then deal with it then. First, reduce overall anxiety and stress by finding answers and working on her sleep and/or other health issues. Then you can focus on the other issues. just MHO
  5. StressedM0mma

    StressedM0mma Active Member

    Thank you Buddy and IC. When I first read what you both wrote I got upset. I thought how can flunking school be so unimportant? But, I slept on it, and I am starting to see where you are coming from. She had a very good day yesterday. When I picked her up from school I was very surprised she was not snarky or having anger outbursts at all. We went and had some ice cream together, and had a nice chat about nothing. She took about an hour nap when we got home, and was awake for the rest of the evening. The girls and husband gave me my b-day present a day early. She spent a long time wrapping it and making it look nice. She was so proud of the gift, she did all of the research making sure they got a good one, and she had even remembered that I wanted one. She was so great and compliant. I had I hopes for today.
    But I did mention to husband that I bet it took everything she had to do that, and that she would be wiped out. And I was right. She can't(or won't) get out of bed this morning. She is going to be late again. I am trying very hard to remember that getting her healthy is the most important thing. I just worry so much for her future, and I know that I need to stop that and worry about today, and only today. But, it is so hard. I want so much for her to be happy.
    The absolute worst part is I keep feeling like this is just a game she is playing. I just wish there was some way to know for sure.
  6. confuzzled

    confuzzled Member

    on top of the ruling out medical causes (i strongly reccomend adding in a Vitamin D and maybe vitB's along with thyroid testings) and seeing the psychiatrist....

    is there any chance she is using electronics or her phone in the middle of the night? does she have an ipod or anything like that? facebook?

    its a shot in the dark, but if she's quiet, you might not know she's actually up all night. you'd be dumbfounded at the "necessary important business" that happens online in the middle of the night with these kids. (i guess its conceivable she's sneaking out, so i'd keep an eye open for that, too).
  7. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    The fastest way to know... is to start trying to rule stuff out.
    If you start getting hits on real issues... then you KNOW its not a game.
    Meanwhile, keep an eye out on all fronts...

    Its hard, I know.
    And everything takes FAR too long.
  8. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Even with all the medical and therapeutic evidence I have to the contrary, I still go through this at times. Really, they are still kids afterall! They do get to have typical teen moments. But I tell myeslf (and of course I know our situations are different, so just sharing where I have to go) that I have to give him the benefit of the doubt. The alternative is that he will be in trouble and sad and upsest and anxiety ridden and all ability to even try to do normal things like school go out the window. I have been wrong a few times, and found out that it was that he was really sick or having seizures etc. I never go there first anymore. If in the end we find out differently, then we can deal with it.

    And I personally was not dismissing your academic concerns. I was just thinking that at this point, it is NOT going to happen and additional stress may make it worse. It is hard to give up the typical schedule. But the truth is in life, we do get second chances for most things. It is NOT easy to give up the plan, the dream. And you are not giving it up. She is very young still. There are kids in way worse shape who pull it off. There are ways to make up the credts and increase the grades, but she has to be healthy to do it. And your family as a whole is her support for LIFE. She needs to maintain the relationships and not have harder situations than are already going on at home. (no blame, no criticism, I am talking about how she blows up etc. It naturally causes hurt feelings and longer term fallout). The same happens with many illnesses. I had a kid in therapy for how she says her "s" sounds. She was in 5th grade. Her brother had died suddenly when riding his bike the year before. She was like him, had cystic fibrosis. Bottom line, they quit therapy with my blessing. Really...she was fighting for her life... and to worry about how she said a sound was not the top priority. She only came because it bothered teachers and people were doing what you do for a typical child. Now an 's' sound is not the same as a full academic issue, but the point is the same... doesn't mean she wouldn't ever work on it, just that it was not the priority at that time.

    I am sorry my post hit you hard at first. I really do want you to feel supported, whatever direction you go with this situation.... Just sharing a perspective. for now, she is a difficult child. I can only imagine it is much harder to have a child become a difficult child after being in easy child mode for so long.... compared to my life where it was all difficult child all the time. I am sorry for that. Must be very hard.
  9. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Stressed... Its hard to wrap your brain around this stuff sometimes. Somehow, when the problem is invisible, we don't quite get the seriousness... I find it helps to stop and look at the situation through a different filter. How would you feel if she had been in a car accident, and was going to spend months in hospital.? That would mess up her education, too... but there are still ways to make up for it. I've sometimes compared the challenges difficult child faces, to a kid with diabetes... can't see that, either. Needs careful monitoring, life-and-death issues, and all the other stuff that goes with it. But... if the disease gets out control, the kid doesn't cope well with life either... and it can impact education.

    It will help once you get more info as to what is really going on. Even if labels don't change anything... they do give US and our difficult child something to hang sanity onto... XXX isn't me (or my kid), its the xxx-diagnosis. It makes it easier then to fight to get help for the problem...

  10. StressedM0mma

    StressedM0mma Active Member

    Buddy and IC thank you both. I needed to hear what you are saying. And, IC you are right if she had been in a car accident, I would view things differently. I am trying hard to let go. Unfortunately I tend to overstress. When we found out difficult child was cutting, and we were at the counselor's she said "mom this has to be killing you because you can't fix it." And I am feeling the exact same way right now. I never felt unsupported. It was something that needed to be said, and I needed to hear it. Sometimes I try to fix everything, and when I can't I panic. I am actually going to see my Dr. on Mon. to go back on my Lexapro, and get some ativan for the days I am really panicked. Hopefully that will calm the situation also. I am trying very hard to remember that this is not the end of the world, and we will get through this.
  11. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Good for you for getting some help for yourself, too... no point in our own challenges adding to the problem, if there is a solution...

    And yes... once you find the first "hook"... the first solid issue to start working on... you'll start to feel different, too. Not that anything will have been solved yet, but it's something to grab onto, or a knot in the rope... it seems to stop that "freefall" feeling. Its a feeling I absolutely HATE.

  12. buddy

    buddy New Member

    I've thought of you often today. You are not alone. Sometimes I think any conditions or illnesses that affect behavior and/or mental health are about the hardest things on earth. Just don't have the same understanding as other illnesses. Therefor, we are not able to receive the same support. I often feel I need to down play the things that go on at my house. Within months I had one neuropsychologist evaluation that said I must be exaggerating and another that said difficult child was so bad that he probably wouldn't be able to live at home. If the professionals dont get it, how can we expect our families and friends to understand?

    Take care my friend, Buddy