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General Parenting
The guilt is unbearable.
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<blockquote data-quote="Fran" data-source="post: 135273" data-attributes="member: 3"><p>Sarajane, welcome to our little corner of the world. </p><p>I'm sorry to hear that your son chose to be mean to you. As far as being guilt ridden, you may have to move on from that mentality. Your son has a disorder where he isn't thinking very kindly. Add a dad who fuels his disdain of you and you have the typical bully/victim relationship. Don't be his victim.</p><p>Did you do everything you know to help him? Do you spend your free time helping him grow up? What the heck do you need to feel guilty about? </p><p></p><p>You should be holding your head up high with the knowledge that you have been a single parent of a very difficult child. You are a warrior. You have survived some awful, awful times. You continue to do good stuff for a very difficult and ungrateful child. </p><p></p><p>Your son is in the throes of adolescence. He is going to be a miserable cuss for a while. </p><p></p><p>My suggestion is let dad deal with your son while you work hard on yourself. If mom isn't healthy, no one is healthy. Get yourself help emotionally, physically or whatever. Give yourself time to recharge your batteries and for goodness sakes dump the guilt. It is like sitting in a rocking chair. Lots of energy used and getting nowhere. Make a plan that isn't guilt based but parent based. Set a goal and work towards it. </p><p></p><p>I dumped the guilt when I realized <strong><em>I</em></strong> was letting it ruin everyone in the house. Do your best and feel good about your effort and don't let anyone, anyone make you feel bad about yourself. It's ok to feel sad about what your son's behaviors and failings are but no way should guilt be on your shoulders. </p><p></p><p>I hate bullies and there were times when my son was a bully. We would confront nose to nose during that whole 11 to 15yr period. He had a choice to let me teach him to be an independent,law abiding, tax paying adult. If he wouldn't learn from me then strangers who didn't feel love like a mother does, would have to do the teaching. He did eventually go to residential treatment program for 2 yrs. He seldom confronts me without taking into consideration that I follow through on what I say. He isn't cured and is more difficult than average but nothing like early adolescence. </p><p></p><p>When he said he hated me I told him that it wasn't my job for him to like me. It was my job to teach him how to be an adult in this world. If at 25, he is a decent adult I will have done my job. If he finds love in his heart for me that is simply gravy. </p><p></p><p>Find yourself some help. Trust me, you are not alone anymore.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Fran, post: 135273, member: 3"] Sarajane, welcome to our little corner of the world. I'm sorry to hear that your son chose to be mean to you. As far as being guilt ridden, you may have to move on from that mentality. Your son has a disorder where he isn't thinking very kindly. Add a dad who fuels his disdain of you and you have the typical bully/victim relationship. Don't be his victim. Did you do everything you know to help him? Do you spend your free time helping him grow up? What the heck do you need to feel guilty about? You should be holding your head up high with the knowledge that you have been a single parent of a very difficult child. You are a warrior. You have survived some awful, awful times. You continue to do good stuff for a very difficult and ungrateful child. Your son is in the throes of adolescence. He is going to be a miserable cuss for a while. My suggestion is let dad deal with your son while you work hard on yourself. If mom isn't healthy, no one is healthy. Get yourself help emotionally, physically or whatever. Give yourself time to recharge your batteries and for goodness sakes dump the guilt. It is like sitting in a rocking chair. Lots of energy used and getting nowhere. Make a plan that isn't guilt based but parent based. Set a goal and work towards it. I dumped the guilt when I realized [B][I]I[/I][/B] was letting it ruin everyone in the house. Do your best and feel good about your effort and don't let anyone, anyone make you feel bad about yourself. It's ok to feel sad about what your son's behaviors and failings are but no way should guilt be on your shoulders. I hate bullies and there were times when my son was a bully. We would confront nose to nose during that whole 11 to 15yr period. He had a choice to let me teach him to be an independent,law abiding, tax paying adult. If he wouldn't learn from me then strangers who didn't feel love like a mother does, would have to do the teaching. He did eventually go to residential treatment program for 2 yrs. He seldom confronts me without taking into consideration that I follow through on what I say. He isn't cured and is more difficult than average but nothing like early adolescence. When he said he hated me I told him that it wasn't my job for him to like me. It was my job to teach him how to be an adult in this world. If at 25, he is a decent adult I will have done my job. If he finds love in his heart for me that is simply gravy. Find yourself some help. Trust me, you are not alone anymore. [/QUOTE]
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