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the holidays - sigh
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<blockquote data-quote="slsh" data-source="post: 223344" data-attributes="member: 8"><p>Steely - this is just my opinion. I don't think you can or should detour the loss. I think it's something you have to experience in all it's horribleness in order to get to a point where it doesn't constantly consume you. I think the only thing that lessens the intensity is time - and I know that that is no comfort to you right now.</p><p> </p><p>My daughter (Boo's twin) died almost 20 years ago. I spent from Nov '88 til Jan '89 in the hospital. My first holiday season as a wife, my first as a mother to be. Thanksgiving and New Year's were spent in ICU. Christmas I was in my own room, but at that point could no longer walk. That experience has colored every single holiday season since, so many unhappy anniversaries sprinkled in the season.</p><p> </p><p>But.... the first 5 years afterwards were *really* bad and hindsight being 20/20, I think that I made it worse because I fought against the grief so hard. I simply couldn't bear the physical pain that grieving brought me. I know you know what I mean - where it feels like your body is just consumed and hurts and you simply don't know if you are going to be able to draw another breath. </p><p> </p><p>I felt so completely alone in my grief and maybe... I don't know but maybe grief is supposed to be alone and private, because we all do it differently. husband grieved, no question but he did it so differently - to me it appeared he accepted and moved on, where I just could not let it go. </p><p> </p><p>I think when I finally really just faced it head on, almost embraced it rather than fought it, had some counseling, did some really painfully honest writing about my anger and resentment and all those bizarre emotions that come with grief... that, combined with the passage of time, got me to a point where I wasn't a complete wreck for the holidays.</p><p> </p><p>Some years are easier than others - this year seems to be one of the harder ones in recent memory, probably because it's been 20 years now. The difference is that I now allow myself to grieve for what we lost, rather than fight the feelings. It's a tidal wave, sweeps me up and carries along, but when I stopped fighting it so hard is when I finally learned to co-exist with it.</p><p> </p><p>I wish I could say something to comfort you now, rather than just offer the hope that with time it really will become more manageable. I remember that raw feeling, really indescribable... like nothing will ever be the same, which it won't, but things will be okay again, just different. </p><p> </p><p>I can only send you many hugs and empathy and good thoughts.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="slsh, post: 223344, member: 8"] Steely - this is just my opinion. I don't think you can or should detour the loss. I think it's something you have to experience in all it's horribleness in order to get to a point where it doesn't constantly consume you. I think the only thing that lessens the intensity is time - and I know that that is no comfort to you right now. My daughter (Boo's twin) died almost 20 years ago. I spent from Nov '88 til Jan '89 in the hospital. My first holiday season as a wife, my first as a mother to be. Thanksgiving and New Year's were spent in ICU. Christmas I was in my own room, but at that point could no longer walk. That experience has colored every single holiday season since, so many unhappy anniversaries sprinkled in the season. But.... the first 5 years afterwards were *really* bad and hindsight being 20/20, I think that I made it worse because I fought against the grief so hard. I simply couldn't bear the physical pain that grieving brought me. I know you know what I mean - where it feels like your body is just consumed and hurts and you simply don't know if you are going to be able to draw another breath. I felt so completely alone in my grief and maybe... I don't know but maybe grief is supposed to be alone and private, because we all do it differently. husband grieved, no question but he did it so differently - to me it appeared he accepted and moved on, where I just could not let it go. I think when I finally really just faced it head on, almost embraced it rather than fought it, had some counseling, did some really painfully honest writing about my anger and resentment and all those bizarre emotions that come with grief... that, combined with the passage of time, got me to a point where I wasn't a complete wreck for the holidays. Some years are easier than others - this year seems to be one of the harder ones in recent memory, probably because it's been 20 years now. The difference is that I now allow myself to grieve for what we lost, rather than fight the feelings. It's a tidal wave, sweeps me up and carries along, but when I stopped fighting it so hard is when I finally learned to co-exist with it. I wish I could say something to comfort you now, rather than just offer the hope that with time it really will become more manageable. I remember that raw feeling, really indescribable... like nothing will ever be the same, which it won't, but things will be okay again, just different. I can only send you many hugs and empathy and good thoughts. [/QUOTE]
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