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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 747892" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Because of the holiday not many people are here. They will return tomorrow, I feel certain.</p><p></p><p>You find yourselves in a terrible situation but you don't need me to tell you that. A couple of questions: With his brother leaving are there are other minor children in your household? His charges of abuse brought about system involvement. Has there been any mention of a therapeutic foster home?</p><p></p><p>There will be discharge planners at the facility that will evaluate options. They will need to speak to you. You can be involved in the decision making process.</p><p></p><p>His history of cutting and suicidal ideation put him at risk. It seems irresponsible to place him back in the situation that he has identified as a trigger, namely back home. This is not to infer that there is anything in your home that is harmful or wrong or that presents a risk. But it seems he is so hellbent in getting his way, that there is a big risk in testing him. His judgment and his impulse control seem very poor. Why would you go there?</p><p></p><p>Yes. He could be attempting to manipulate the system by threats. But the threats could also be real. This is really a psychiatric decision. The psychologist and psychiatrists can evaluate whether this is a probable manipulation, i.e. instrumental, or a potentially dangerous situation.</p><p></p><p>I think the first thing to do is to try to stay out of the (mental and otherwise) conversation about you as parents, and the suitability of your home and family. <em>Why play on his court?</em> His thinking and conduct, let alone emotional state, are disturbed. Rather, I would try to think about what would best protect him and protect you, and that would be (to my way of thinking) anything but to bring him home.</p><p></p><p>Clearly, he is not suitable for emancipation. To me, options that some parents might consider would be Job Corps, a therapeutic foster home, continued residential treatment if insurance will pay, to see if they can get through to him, or even surrendering parental rights, so that he could be placed in a therapeutic facility until he ages out. I am not saying that any one of these is the right answer, or even a good fit for your son. Just that they are options that some parents take, in your situation, rather than bring their child home.</p><p></p><p>Job Corps if you are unfamiliar with it, is a federally funded jobs program that is residential. It is free. Room, board and supervision is included. The trainings are good. Residents complete high school, get drug treatment, and complete trainings. My son went. I thought it was stellar. It is located all over the country.</p><p></p><p>Some parents do not share the same favorable view. The participants are typically poor or disadvantaged, and minority. They may come from gang environments. So there is that to consider. They do take kids with disabilities, and those with behavioral and emotional problems.</p><p></p><p>The way I am seeing your situation is this: While I would NOT want to trigger him at this point, by no means would I give into what he wants. You are his parents. How could you decide in a way that would be contrary to what is in his long-term interests? To me, it is never the right thing to cave (although I do it). But that does not mean he should be with you. Let me say here something in an aside. Except for the emancipation idea, I would try to give my son what he would want, within the possible available options....<u>Except to come home</u>, should he change his mind, at least in the short run.</p><p></p><p>But I do not think I would be the one to present the options to him. Rather I would have the therapist/social worker/discharge planner at the facility where he currently resides, present him with the options, whatever they may be, and help him work through the possibilities, if indeed there is a choice. Actually, it may come down to only one possibility. Our kids get themselves so cornered by their behavior, that more often than not, there is only one way to go forward. They have blown up the possibility of choice.</p><p></p><p>While you are his parents, what he has done for now puts you outside of the equation, in my way of thinking. By falsely accusing you he has not only demonstrated he is willing to destroy you. He has nullified any direct parental role that you can have, for the time being.</p><p></p><p>It is for this reason I would let the professionals deal with him, and go to an attorney to discuss options, if you decide that his coming home for now, is not an option.</p><p></p><p>The fact that he could be dangerous right now is the elephant in the living room (dangerous to himself and to you). He has acted in such a way that is highly destructive. He may not understand betrayal, and he may not understand the implications and consequences of what he is doing. But you cannot ignore what he has done, in my view. What will he do next? Nothing can be ruled out.</p><p></p><p>If it were me I would consider getting a family attorney ASAP, and discuss options. I would find out your grounds for refusing to accept him back in the home, on the basis that it would psychologically trigger him. He is suicidal and self-harming, and you fear that he would follow through with his threat. Needless to say, EVERY SINGLE THING SHOULD BE IN WRITING. I would want every single thing CCed to Child Welfare, if it were me. Everybody needs to know that they, not you, bear the risk by forcing the issue, forcing his hand, should they force him home.</p><p></p><p>There have been several children and their families in this situation of late. Unfortunately.</p><p></p><p>That's my take, from afar. I am unqualified to give advise. I can only say what I think I might consider if I found myself in your shoes. I would get myself to an attorney.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 747892, member: 18958"] Because of the holiday not many people are here. They will return tomorrow, I feel certain. You find yourselves in a terrible situation but you don't need me to tell you that. A couple of questions: With his brother leaving are there are other minor children in your household? His charges of abuse brought about system involvement. Has there been any mention of a therapeutic foster home? There will be discharge planners at the facility that will evaluate options. They will need to speak to you. You can be involved in the decision making process. His history of cutting and suicidal ideation put him at risk. It seems irresponsible to place him back in the situation that he has identified as a trigger, namely back home. This is not to infer that there is anything in your home that is harmful or wrong or that presents a risk. But it seems he is so hellbent in getting his way, that there is a big risk in testing him. His judgment and his impulse control seem very poor. Why would you go there? Yes. He could be attempting to manipulate the system by threats. But the threats could also be real. This is really a psychiatric decision. The psychologist and psychiatrists can evaluate whether this is a probable manipulation, i.e. instrumental, or a potentially dangerous situation. I think the first thing to do is to try to stay out of the (mental and otherwise) conversation about you as parents, and the suitability of your home and family. [I]Why play on his court?[/I] His thinking and conduct, let alone emotional state, are disturbed. Rather, I would try to think about what would best protect him and protect you, and that would be (to my way of thinking) anything but to bring him home. Clearly, he is not suitable for emancipation. To me, options that some parents might consider would be Job Corps, a therapeutic foster home, continued residential treatment if insurance will pay, to see if they can get through to him, or even surrendering parental rights, so that he could be placed in a therapeutic facility until he ages out. I am not saying that any one of these is the right answer, or even a good fit for your son. Just that they are options that some parents take, in your situation, rather than bring their child home. Job Corps if you are unfamiliar with it, is a federally funded jobs program that is residential. It is free. Room, board and supervision is included. The trainings are good. Residents complete high school, get drug treatment, and complete trainings. My son went. I thought it was stellar. It is located all over the country. Some parents do not share the same favorable view. The participants are typically poor or disadvantaged, and minority. They may come from gang environments. So there is that to consider. They do take kids with disabilities, and those with behavioral and emotional problems. The way I am seeing your situation is this: While I would NOT want to trigger him at this point, by no means would I give into what he wants. You are his parents. How could you decide in a way that would be contrary to what is in his long-term interests? To me, it is never the right thing to cave (although I do it). But that does not mean he should be with you. Let me say here something in an aside. Except for the emancipation idea, I would try to give my son what he would want, within the possible available options....[U]Except to come home[/U], should he change his mind, at least in the short run. But I do not think I would be the one to present the options to him. Rather I would have the therapist/social worker/discharge planner at the facility where he currently resides, present him with the options, whatever they may be, and help him work through the possibilities, if indeed there is a choice. Actually, it may come down to only one possibility. Our kids get themselves so cornered by their behavior, that more often than not, there is only one way to go forward. They have blown up the possibility of choice. While you are his parents, what he has done for now puts you outside of the equation, in my way of thinking. By falsely accusing you he has not only demonstrated he is willing to destroy you. He has nullified any direct parental role that you can have, for the time being. It is for this reason I would let the professionals deal with him, and go to an attorney to discuss options, if you decide that his coming home for now, is not an option. The fact that he could be dangerous right now is the elephant in the living room (dangerous to himself and to you). He has acted in such a way that is highly destructive. He may not understand betrayal, and he may not understand the implications and consequences of what he is doing. But you cannot ignore what he has done, in my view. What will he do next? Nothing can be ruled out. If it were me I would consider getting a family attorney ASAP, and discuss options. I would find out your grounds for refusing to accept him back in the home, on the basis that it would psychologically trigger him. He is suicidal and self-harming, and you fear that he would follow through with his threat. Needless to say, EVERY SINGLE THING SHOULD BE IN WRITING. I would want every single thing CCed to Child Welfare, if it were me. Everybody needs to know that they, not you, bear the risk by forcing the issue, forcing his hand, should they force him home. There have been several children and their families in this situation of late. Unfortunately. That's my take, from afar. I am unqualified to give advise. I can only say what I think I might consider if I found myself in your shoes. I would get myself to an attorney. [/QUOTE]
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