The last straw

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Just keep swimming, Jan 24, 2008.

  1. Just keep swimming

    Just keep swimming New Member

    Hi family,

    please forgive any typos, I am typing with one hand at the moment. Last night was a night straight from hades!! Aly came home from school in quite or horrendous mood, nothing went rite for her at school yesterday.

    Adoptions worker was here to asscess the 3 foster kiddos for possbile move. They were playing hapily with lincoln logs. She got involved and just had to take over.. I had her go to her room and she started swearing at me and throwing things across her room, including a picture in a glass frame. Needless to say, broken glass was everwhere and I got a piece in my foot trying to clean it up. Adoptions worker decided to leave about then. I walked back into Aly's room to try to calm her down and she punched my so hard in my forearm, she broke it!

    I immediately called police since I was home alone with 4 little ones and Aly. Sherrif spoke with her in a very serious and rough way. My sister ran over to watch little ones while her hubby took me to the ER. Yep, hairline fracture and have to go back tomorrow once swelling is down to get another Xray. I am in major pain, mommy heart along with the arm.

    husband arrived home about the time that brother in law was to take me to ER and he ignored my arm and went straight into Aly's room to comfort her. I was livid as was sis and bro in law.

    While on the way to ER I called crisis team and they then called husband. He refused to take her into crisis unit "she was calming down and was "sorry" she hurt me" Crisis team called me back to tell me of his refusal and was documenting it. The wanted her to come last night or this morning at the latest. I absolutely refused to have anything to do with it, saying that nothing will come from this and that she was calm and sorry now.

    Bro in law took me to his house, sis already had taken all the littles to her house to keep them away from Aly and husband. I told husband that I would not be coming back until he and Aly were gone from our house as this was the last time I would allow Aly to be violent to me. He said he would make arrangements and be gone by morning. He brought over the foster kids clothing and stuff to my sis' house and left.

    I will not live with violence in my home ever again. I am filing for a legal separation and he can live with Aly is he so chooses to and I will keep Jayme. I have now lost my 3 foster children, children's services moved them to my sister's home, so at least I can see them when I want.

    I am beyond shocked at husband's behavior and am heartbroken that it has taken this to happen. I am feeling perfectly capable of raising Jayme on my own, I have tons of support. I may not get to do foster care again, at leaset for a long time, but that is ok. Most important is keeping Jayme and me safe.

    I as sad to say I am not too heartbroken over what has happened with Aly. She has long been a source of major stress in my life and has broken my heart too many times to count. I am sure I will miss her, but I do feel relief at this time.

    Crisis team will be sending the police out to check on whether husband has followed through with getting care for Aly. All I can say at this time is, good luck with that one!

    Not sure what I am feeling except shock and alot of arm pain!

  2. Jena

    Jena New Member


    You type really well with one arm by the way :)

    i'm so sorry you had such a hard hard day. you poor thing. Yet as you sit there shocked at the fast pace of the past hours and the confusion and pain you must be feeling as you said you also feel a sense of relief.

    It sounds to me like you gave with all you had, with your heart and mind to this child. I'm sorry your husband didn't support you with today. Yet one thing always rings true to me when i have a moment of insanity is that sometimes things do really happen for a reason. maybe if today hadn't happened it wouldn't of been just your arm.

    This is one of those moments where you have to be happy to be in a warm safe home, with family and hopefully alot of advil right now.

    Get alot of rest, let the days events wash over you right now and just take care of your needs.

    lots of warm wishes, hope your pain diminishes somewhat so you can sleep and let us know how you are tmrw.

    Jen :)
  3. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Oh, Vickie, I'm so sorry. I'm glad you and Jayme are safe.
  4. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Oh Vickie - I'm just flabbergasted.

    I'm so sorry that Aly came after you like that. I'm so sorry that the whole thing played out like it did.

    You're absolutely right about the violence - my gosh, I shudder to think if she had gone after one of the other kids.

    I so want to tell you to take a breather before doing anything permanent re: husband but at the same time, you know best your situation.

    So I will just send you warm healing thoughts and gentle hugs.
  5. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Well-Known Member

    I'm so deeply sorry that everything has come to a head this way. {{{Hugs}}} FWIW, I think you did the right thing. No one should have to live with violence. I also hope husband follows through with help for Aly. She desperately needs it.
  6. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    Oh Vickie~
    Did they give you any pain medications? What are you going to do for yourself?
    I am so sorry for all of this. Is Ally going to be OK when the reality hits her? I know that is her reality, but will husband honestly be ready to deal with this? My gosh what a huge disaster. But maybe this is what is needed to keep some sanity and safety for you and Jayme?
    You are right, you can not have the violence.
    I am so sorry, it has come to this. I am sorry about the other children. But they need to be safe as well. It has sounded like Ally has needed something, this may not be the answer... but at least she will not be hurting you.
    I am thinking of you and Jayme, as well as Ally... Sending lots of gentle hugs....
    Try to be easy on yourself... you have been a true warrior...
  7. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Vicky, I'm so sorry to hear about this. I hope your arm is feeling better. I'm sorry it'll be harder to heal your broken heart.

    I wish I had some great insight, wisdom or even some fairy dust to make it all better, but all I can offer is a shoulder, a kleenex and an oversized heart.

    God Bless,

  8. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    WOW.......SO sorry. I know you have been through so much, and it is all so hard.
    I remember, at that age, when my son sprained my arm in an over the top rage. I remember feeling so alone, and so abandoned.........hands down the worst memory of my life. One I do everything not to remember.

    However, he still was my son, and Aly still is your daughter. She needs help.

    Just some food for thought, when things are calm.
    How is Aly going to get the help she needs if husband is going to be in denial?
    Surely, after 26 years, and many children, you and husband are able able to make the best choice for Aly? Is that in Residential Treatment Center (RTC), or with husband, or you?

    Again, many, many hugs. I pray no judgment is felt in this message, because I feel your pain. Just, please, please, do not forget that she has a mental illness.........her spirit is not worth abandoning. She needs help! Is it more help than husband is able to provide? And, if so, who is going to get that for her unless you advocate for her and help husband see the light.

    Sending you many, many hugs.
  9. Marcie Mac

    Marcie Mac Just Plain Ole Tired

    Am so sorry Vicki - Could it be that Aly would be better if it was a little less hectic with little ones moving in and out constantly. If she was on overload at school already, it might have been too much stimulation for her. I don't really know - just from Wyatt living here, too much noise or yelling and you would have to peel him off the ceiling - he didn't do well with too much stimulation.

    I know you are angry at husband right now, and at Aly, but if husband isn't going to be able to advocate for her, will you still do it?

  10. jannie

    jannie trying to survive....

    I am sorry with all that you are going through !! I hope your arm heals quickly. I agree you should not have to live with violence...however I agree with the others that she is not in control of her behavior. She is clearly needing help--I hope husband can handle it. I, too, wonder if the three little ones were causing so much chaos and stress to her "emotionally fragile/challenged body" that she's been spiraling...I am sorry that the fosters were taken you said.. you can still see them at your sisters.

    I hope that you can take the next few days to heal and relax. Aly will need you...Hang in there.:full:

    Sending hugs
  11. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    Vickie, no real words of advice, just many gentle hugs coming your way. I hope your arm heals quickly. I know it will take your mommy heart much longer. Give it some time and the right answer will come to you.
  12. dreamer

    dreamer New Member

    Gentle hugs to you. I am hoping your arm is feeling a little betetr today?
    I was reading some of your older posts and I was wondering how Aly gets along with the foster kids you currently have/had? I know you had some difficulties with a different foster boy maybe 6 months ago or so? And I know you moved.......and then wasn't she in the hospital over the holidays, and were these newest foster kids with you dureing the holidays?
    It sounds like it has been a very very hard rough year for your family, when was your back injury?
    I bet it would sure be nice to have a little calm quiet time, with no crisis? You must all be running on exhaustion? The whole family?
    How would Aly be with no fosters?
    Is it possible your husband was with Aly partly to minimize any further escalation of the incident? Maybe he saw that you were being seen to and the littles were being seen to and figured someone needed to also see to Aly?
    Becuz of the other little boy of months ago and ALy being inpatient over holidays, could Aly be haveing an especially difficult time accepting fosters right now and "shareing" her parents and home with so many other kids?

    Did they change her medications a lot when she was in the hospital? Could she be haveing a medication problem?

    Sending you lots of healing hugs and best wishes for some rest.
  13. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It


    I am so sorry! I hope you have pain medication. I know your heart is aching. I hate that Aly hurt you, but it is better than having her go after the littles.

    I hope you can take some time to settle before you make permanent decisions.

    I do wonder what husband was thinking????

    Of course you can't have violence. Just can't!

    Good thinking to call the Sheriff and your sister and her hubby.

    Sending hugs and prayers,

  14. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    I'm so sorry to hear this. I just can't fathom the bloke - it's like a parent rushing over when their child runs into a wall, and checking that the wall is undamaged, rather than the child.

    If that is the degree of his weird priorities, then what sort of sick message has his behaviour been sending Aly all along? And how much is he responsible for Aly's continuing problems, if he has been undermining you to this extent?

    I'm really concerned for Aly. Concerned for you too of course, but you seem to be on the right path, you've done all you could do and I feel have made a wise decision. But I'm concerned that Aly's state is going to get a lot worse, unless someone more stable than husband can step in and control her management more consistently.

    My big question - WHY? Why is he like this? Why on earth did he not stop to see to you first? Why 'comfort' Aly, in circumstances like this?

    He sounds like one sick puppy, to me.

    Look after yourself, stay strong. I hope things get better from here, not worse.

  15. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Vicki, I hear you and am feeling ya. I personally can't imagine doing foster care AT ALL while having a child of my own who is so disturbed and struggling. I think you certainly deserve a vacation. We can't save the world--just one child at a time. If I do foster care again it will be when my kids are out of the house and only baby emergencies. (((Hugs)))
  16. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    No advice right now. I am so sorry. Many gentle hugs and prayers.
  17. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member


    many, many, many, hugs this morning. I am so saddened to read your post. Aly always touched a part of me, I'm not sure why. That she has gotten to this place, that she could be so violent with you who gave everything, is heartbreaking.

    I cannot imagine how much your heart is hurting right now, not to mention the physical pain of your arm.

    I think you've fought for Aly for so long that I cannot imagine you not doing that. But I guess if husband is not on the same page and will not get intervention, he's blocking Aly from the help she so desperately needs and not keeping you safe which is what part of his role as your partner should be.

    Not that I am making excuses, but I would have to guess that the addition of the three fosters added to Aly's inreased aggitation and aggression. I don't want you to give her a free pass. I don't expect you to live with violence. I think you need to think thru your choices and options. I think you have really given husband the opportunity to make things better in the past. He chose what happened in this situation by allowing Aly to stay in the home after she raised her hands to you. That to me is quite telling.

    Vickie, sit and think a few days about what is in everyone's best interest. You may decide that your initial gut instincts were totally correct. But you may also decide that another option is worth a try.

    Sometimes it's hard to make decisions that will affect the rest of our life when we are dealing with such emotional issues.

    I'm wishing you peace Vickie. This is a terrible place. I hope you are able to find peace in the knowledge that you have done everything you possibly could to help and love Aly. And you gave husband every chance to step up to the plate. You did what was required. Take a deep breath, take an extra nap, and please feel my toughts and prayers coming your way.

  18. gottaloveem

    gottaloveem Active Member

    Oh my, what an absolutely horrible night, and a more distressing outcome.
    I don't know what to say,except I am so sorry this happened. I will keep you in my thoughts. I know your heart must be broken.

    I'm so sorry this happened

  19. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    I can understand your anger and frustration but I can also understand your husband going to Aly. I can only imagine her fear -- at herself, at your anger, at her anger, at life. Your husband saw that you had someone with you, that you'd been take care of. Aly was alone and probably suffering as much, if not more, as you. Yes, a few words of comfort would have been nice, but I do understand his need to see and comfort her. I do hope you rethink your decision in this regard.

    As to the violence, you're right. It cannot and should not be tolerated. However, your little has far more wrong with her than most of the kids here. I'm not sure what can be done to help her at this juncture. You and your husband have tried so much to help her. As sad as it is, she may have to be removed for the safety of everyone.

    I'm not sure she should be in a household with younger children. It may be just be too much for her and could put them in danger.

    I am truly sorry you and your husband are going through this and I hope you can find some answers.
  20. house of cards

    house of cards New Member

    Vicki, I understand fostercare was very important to you and you were GREAT at it. If my D cost me my foster home I would be crushed and angry. I am afraid of the impact my D could have on my kids and yet I am still proceeding with my last childs adoption...I know most people don't understand it, sometimes I question the "right" of doing it. I know I feel a huge responsiblity to protect any of the other kids and therefore will do whatever is needed to protect them (hospital/cops). I imagine you also feel responsible for bringing Jayme and the others into this mess. But lots of kids don't show their mental health problems until their teens and people have younger kids...they just have to deal with what they have been dealt. Your family isn't that much different. I know it hurts but Aly is your child and you need to find your way to help her and Jayme. Let the fostercare go, you might be surprised at the life you can make beyond it. It has brought you 2 gifts, don't regret a moment.