The more things change, The more they stay the same...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Chaosuncontained, Oct 19, 2011.

  1. Chaosuncontained

    Chaosuncontained New Member

    Yesterday I was going through Carson's "notebook". In it I have every email from his teachers. Test papers, some daily work papers, all of the medication sheets describing what he is on, side effects etc. All his Discipine reports. His 504 plan. and "blah. blah. blah". You know, all the good stuff.

    I found two notes from his teacher.

    #1 dated 10-7:

    "Carson's behavior is improving! It is becoming easier for him to get control. :) He works very hard and he wants to do his best. Thanks Carson!!"

    #2 dated 10-8:

    For the second day in a row, Carson slipped around the corner to go to the bathroom without asking for permission. He missed out on a special treat because he wouldn't cooperate. It makes me sad that he is making bad choices."

    Then I noticed something... Both notes were written in 2006. When he was in PreK. These notes could have been written last week!! With all the medication changes, new diagnosis and 5 years? I feel we are right where we were in PreK.

    I'm just feeling discouraged. And sad for his future...
  2. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    He's "only" 9. And at least he isn't any "worse".

    What I mean by that is... we started the process of getting help, when difficult child was in kindergarten. It has taken 10 years - partly because the tests he needed were not known or available when we needed them. And that was 10 years of watching him get worse at a faster and faster pace... We got the right help, or at least closer to it. He is turning around.

    Keep fighting. Keep searching. Sometimes, all it takes is ONE breakthrough... and other things start fitting together.
  3. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    I am sorry you feel that way. I have come to realize that some behaviors just are not going to change because it seems to be their "nature". I finally decided that if it is something that will cause HUGE problems as an adult, it needs to be worked on. If not, then who cares if he has strange eating habits (long story)?

  4. keista

    keista New Member


    My first thought was how fickle teachers are. One day he's improving, but the next it's "for TWO days now". Hmmmmmmmmmmm just yesterday you said he was improving!?!?!?!

    All you can do is keep doing your best.
  5. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    For almost my entire school year my report cards they said on them that I could do much better if only I would apply myself more. Huh? Most of the time I was making A's or B's! Well, yeah, I really could have brought home straight A's if I had not been so anxious all the time.

    Back when I was a child there was no mental health care for kids. Now there is. Much more than even when I was getting help for my kids. My kids were luckier than I was and your son is luckier than mine. You are doing the right things. He will be okay.
  6. Chaosuncontained

    Chaosuncontained New Member

    Thank you. I know you are all right. I know we are on the right track. It's just frusterating to be reminded that in PreK he was losing control, couldn't use scissors like everyone else. That he was running away from authority. Not cooperating. Being aggressive.

    Everything he is still doing.

    Keista... So funny. I remember the first day od PreK. I stood at the door watching my child bounce around the room like a pinball machine, while everyone else sat coloring a paper. The teacher told me "Don't worry so much Momma, I have raised 7 kids. He will be fine. I promise". At 2:30 I went to pick him up. Teacher met me in the hall "Momma....". I looked at her and said "NO. no. You said you had raised 7 kids that you could do this." This teacher was the only one who read books I loaned her. Still to this day she will almost come to tears when she asks me about him. It was a learning year for all 3 of us. LOL

    InsaneCdn... You are so right. It just takes one breakthrough. So I continue his fight... searching for the key. Thank you for reminding me!

    TeDo... I think you are talking about picking my battles. Or behaviors. It's just my wish list is so long. Respect authority. Don't hurt others. Try to get your work done in school. Everyday on the 5 minute drive to school we have a "pep rally". I ask him "What's your game plan?" and he replies "Try to control myself and try to get my work done!" Then we yell, high five, kiss, hug and pat on the back--

    Dammit Janet... First of all, everytime I see your name I laugh. It makes me think of a soap opera I used to watch. There was a crazy character on the show. They called her "Janet from another planet". Now. When Carson does his work half a$$ed he makes good grades. He just sometimes decides to not do it. LOL I can not wait to see the IQ test they are supposed to do on him. I'm just having a melancholy moment (or two).

    I just feel guilty that maybe *I* haven't done enough. Fought harder. I wish I had "met" you all years ago.
  7. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    In a way I'm talking about picking battles but it's actually more than that. I don't "battle" with him on things that won't matter when he is adult. As a kid, he needs to follow rules and do things they hate and so on because adults say they have to. But in reality, there are some things we expect kids to do that just aren't going to matter when they aren't under age or under our roofs. For those kids that don't generalize, like mine, some lessons that teach a broader skill aren't always that important. It's a very fine line at times but it is still there. I want my difficult child to learn how to do what he needs to survive, how to get what he needs through proper channels, and deal with the frustration that comes with things not working out the way he wants or thinks they should. In life, there will always be woulda, coulda, shoulda but most of those come with hindsight. I don't like getting caught up in that cycle.

    Be gentle with yourself, unless you have the gift of seeing the future. There are times I wish I did but then again, I'm not sure I REALLY want to know. lol
  8. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Chaos... I don't believe there is a single person on this board that can't say the same thing.

    You are suffering from a chronic illness... its called motherhood.
  9. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Sorry you found that and it triggered those sad feelings. All the special needs books say that grief over the loss of a "typical" life fantasy goes in cycles, but it doesn't help when you feel that way. I actually did that to myself, looked at my scrap boo and saw my grade school report cards and thought, heck some of those comments applied all the way through grad school! But I did move on...I did grow up. I even won some cool awards so, it can still work out. You have done your best and your posts show what an insightful and kind person you are. Moments like this (and you all can remind me of this when I have self doubt) are when we need to talk to ourselves like we are another member of this board.

    It's ok to feel sad about the struggles, but dont waste time regretting any choices you made, you are doing an amazing job.
  10. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It


    I know exactly how you feel. My son was worse in 6th grade than he had ever been before. from grade 1 we were told he would never amount to anything and to prepare ourselves to visit him in prison. Was it any wonder we homeschooled him for grades 3 and 4 with teachers who spoke about him like that - and honestly, most of what they were upset about was that he didn't always catch THEIR mstakes before they sent things home to parents. Yup, he was supposed to be better than the teachers (and was smarter than they were, which upset them greatly) and he wouldn't sit still. Still have no clue why that was such a big deal - he missed NOTHNG they taught, no matter what he was doing.

    Sadly, he was quite violent at hone from the time he was about 5 on. By 14 we couldn't have him live with us and he went to live iwth my parents. My dad is also an aspie but taught jr high for his whole career and had just retired. My mother BEGGED me to let Wiz live iwth them partly because Dad was driving her nuts and Wiz could be his "project". Somehow they didn't all kill each other and they figured it out. I ran a lot of interference for them, esp when Wiz got super angry about something.

    I felt we were further behind when he was 14 than we were when he was 6. I honestly believed that the best I could hope for was short prison sentences and a GED. This from a child who scored in the top 99percentile on just about every academic test he has taken. Now? He is a college sophomore at a 4 yr university with a 4.0 GPA, TWO jobs - one on campus and one he has had for 5 yrs in a local grocery store, and is an amazing big brother and son and grandson.

    There is a LOT of time and room for hope. I promise. I know EXACTLY how you feel and I NEVER expected to get where we are today. If Wiz can turn it around, any of our kids can.


    Just be VERY aware that sensory issues can truly make it impossible for a person to cope in a situation. If he isn't getting the right sensory diet and sensory breaks and Occupational Therapist (OT) help, it could derail a LOT of things. I still have situations/places I don't handle well or at all because I get so overwhelmed by the sensory things. Push push push for help on that front and it can make it much easier for him to handle other things.
  11. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Wiz is my hero.
  12. Chaosuncontained

    Chaosuncontained New Member

    Wow Susie. Just. Wow. Thank you. Sigh.