The "opposite" problem...


New Member
Hubby and I are really waffling (well, resisting a lot) the idea that we might have to take guardianship of my SDrs two children if she goes to jail. Over the past weeks, I've seen a lot of support available for grandparents who want to get guardianship, but the silence on the opposite end of that spectrum... :cry: has been disheartening. I feel like if we open ourselves to taking on the children, it will be giving my SDr what she really wants, even if she can't admit it to herself. When they lived with us, she would often come downstairs (we lived in the basement, and the kids were upstairs... logistically that was the best arrangement... and this was actually a very nice finished walk-out basement) and dramatically collapse to the floor to play-act that she wasn't feeling well, and would we watch SGS for a while? The back of the poor child's head is still kind of flat from how much time he spent in the swing as an infant. Seriously, if we watched him half as much as she hinted and dramatized, we would have been raising the child.

I... feel... guilty... for not wanting to take this on. Hubby doesn't want to, either, but I know he struggles with the idea of "abandoning" the 3 y/o. The "legal" father is still in the picture, and committed to staying in the picture, but we would expect him to work to support himself and his son... and thus we would still have childcare dumped back in our (my lap, really, because hubby has to work). My stepson-in-law can't afford daycare, and now they are saying they are going to keep the baby SDr is pregnant with, so that is a newborn in addition to the toddler. Their budget is already stretched to the max on necessities. The other thing is that our grandson (because of my SDr's Class 1 Founded Disposition) will have CPS and DSS involved in his life, and therefore ours to some extent, until he is 18. I never had children of my own, and I know that was the right decision for me... but now, this. Hubby and I are both struggling to define our role, trying to figure out how to "do the right thing" without compromising our own stability. I know nobody can tell us what to do... I just needed to vent a bit. Thank you for listening.

Tanya M

Living with an attitude of gratitude
Staff member
I... feel... guilty... for not wanting to take this on.
You have nothing to feel guilty about. You did not create this situation and it is not your responsibility to take guardianship of your grandchildren. It is so unfair that our DCs put us in this situation of having to make this choice.

You and hubby are not abandoning your grandson, your SDr is by the choices she is making.

You have to do what is best for you and what you can live with.

Look down the road, if you were to take one or both kids do you have the finances to not only take care of them but also take care of yourselves when it's time to retire? Do you have the energy to raise a child and all that it entails? I know that states offer assistance for grandparents who become the foster parents.
You may want to contact a family attorney who can assist you with the legalities involved.

I know there are some on this site that have raised their grandchildren and it was the right choice for them.

For myself, where I am in life I could not do it. It would be heartbreaking but I do not have the energy or resources to take on that responsibility.

((HUGS)) to you...........


Well-Known Member
Hi and welcome, RW

Does the 3yo's bio-dad have custody of him now or do the parents have joint custody? Do you and your hubby have any legal custody?

Anyway, if the parents are low-income, they should be able to get free or reduced-cost daycare. He should check to see what programs are available. And he should be able to get the child into Head Start.

I would help the 3yo's dad get whatever supports are available to him. There are things out there. He can do this if he is willing. He needs to step up to the plate.

I'm glad you found us. Please continue to post.