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Family of Origin
The win and the loss
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 676480" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>It matters if <em>we</em> believe ourselves to be as they told us we were. We are free of them, have been free of their influences, since we were able to survive physically without them. Since we were about twelve, then. And yet, they dominate us, still. Their thinking dominates us, still. Some crazy somehow, we believe in them, still. (!) We believe their truths over our own experiences of the world, and of our own lives. We follow the paths they set our feet to follow. In that sense, whether they won, what they won, has nothing to do with them. Their time is past, and has been past, since we were able to understand there was something deeply the matter with our families. Nietzsche's "love came first" figures in, here. Maybe for them, love does not come first or ever, or at all. But we refused to believe it, about our families of origin. We took the blame, instead. We lived guilty, fearful lives instead, always trying to find some balance between the love we know is real and the abuser's continuing contemptuous dismissal. We believed them, we believed in them, and we refused to leave them there in their contrived worlds where fear of the abuser's contempt mattered more than anything but the love we felt for our own children.</p><p></p><p>That is another benefit of Copa's Sleeping Beauty kiss.</p><p></p><p>Not only that we loved, not only that we were able to love generously and to welcome without calculation, but that we loved something more than ourselves; that we loved something ~ our lives with our children ~ more than we feared those who had abused us. What the abuser taught us was that fear and love go hand in hand. That was the truth they twisted and hurt into us, for the sake of some win we not only do not understand but find reprehensible.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 676480, member: 17461"] It matters if [I]we[/I] believe ourselves to be as they told us we were. We are free of them, have been free of their influences, since we were able to survive physically without them. Since we were about twelve, then. And yet, they dominate us, still. Their thinking dominates us, still. Some crazy somehow, we believe in them, still. (!) We believe their truths over our own experiences of the world, and of our own lives. We follow the paths they set our feet to follow. In that sense, whether they won, what they won, has nothing to do with them. Their time is past, and has been past, since we were able to understand there was something deeply the matter with our families. Nietzsche's "love came first" figures in, here. Maybe for them, love does not come first or ever, or at all. But we refused to believe it, about our families of origin. We took the blame, instead. We lived guilty, fearful lives instead, always trying to find some balance between the love we know is real and the abuser's continuing contemptuous dismissal. We believed them, we believed in them, and we refused to leave them there in their contrived worlds where fear of the abuser's contempt mattered more than anything but the love we felt for our own children. That is another benefit of Copa's Sleeping Beauty kiss. Not only that we loved, not only that we were able to love generously and to welcome without calculation, but that we loved something more than ourselves; that we loved something ~ our lives with our children ~ more than we feared those who had abused us. What the abuser taught us was that fear and love go hand in hand. That was the truth they twisted and hurt into us, for the sake of some win we not only do not understand but find reprehensible. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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The win and the loss
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