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Family of Origin
The win and the loss
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 676487" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>That is what we understand once we no longer fear their contempt, their vicious ridicule, even their shunning.</p><p></p><p><em>They have done everything to us that they can. We had one another, here on FOO Chronicles. And so, we were not alone with them or with their belief systems. Because we had one another, and because we were honest about our pain and confusion, we did not break. We shared the hurt and the shame of it and we came through it, healing. </em> </p><p></p><p>Once we see who and how they are, once we actually see the nature of their "win" and understand it to be nothing more valuable than the primary abuser's bloody power-over arena extending long past the time she could force those belief systems onto any of us, then how in the world would we ever take anything they say or think or do seriously again.</p><p></p><p>You win, and I do too, Serenity, in a game we never even knew we were playing. To us (to me, for sure) the "win" isn't even a lonely thing, anymore.</p><p></p><p>I am not even lonely for them, anymore.</p><p></p><p>I never thought that would happen.</p><p></p><p>I wish it could have been different.</p><p></p><p>It wasn't.</p><p></p><p>I don't even say "I wish with all my heart it could have been different" because like you, I am not so invested in anything about my mother or my sister or brother, anymore. I hope their lives are going well. I wish them no harm or anything like that. That feeling of excoriated is ~ I feel compassion for myself now, that these terrible things happened to me. All of my life, there were people I thought loved me who did not love me. I came out of that system with love and fear and pain and contempt all mixed up. When I think about my mother now, there is no future fear in it. There is no fear of the hurt that attends every thought of her.</p><p></p><p>Always before, though I did not name it that, there was future fear (disguised as hope ~ as determined belief, even) in my thinking about my mother especially, but probably about my sister, too. It felt sad, and so lonely, when I realized they do not behave as people who love me would behave.</p><p></p><p>That was huge.</p><p></p><p>It meant not that they had changed, but that I had.</p><p></p><p>It was a tipping point.</p><p></p><p>I never believed I would give up that dinner imagery that represented how it could be for us, for me and my children and grands and my FOO.</p><p></p><p>They are incapable...but sometimes, I think it has to do with ethical choice. That they are indeed capable, but made another kind of choice than I did, than I do. Here's the thing: the thing we did not understand was why everything always seemed to go so unbelievably wrong for us in our interactions with FOO. We none of us could figure that out, remember? We had been so ashamed of what was done to us ~ so ashamed that our own people did not value and cherish and protect us. </p><p></p><p>That was not our shame.</p><p></p><p>That is their shame.</p><p></p><p>That is the tipping point. That is the place we stop being afraid of the hurt they can betray into us.</p><p></p><p>This place we have come to is not a win for us.</p><p></p><p>But it is freedom. </p><p></p><p>In that we are free from their ways of thinking, about themselves and about us, we win. They lose ~ but the thing they wanted to win was as pointlessly ugly as it seemed to be, when we first healed enough to be able to glimpse the truth of it, so like you, I have no feelings about how they think about any of this. I assume the worst possible interpretation, and I am certain I am correct in that.</p><p></p><p>That is who they are.</p><p></p><p>Nothing to do with me.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>I think they cannot hurt us now. Without fear, in the world they taught us was real, there is no love. Love and fearsome hurt were bound up together, in the dynamics our twisted families of origin insist on.</p><p></p><p>No fear means we are free of all of it.</p><p></p><p>It's like Dorothy lifting the curtain on the Wizard and finding nothing but a shyster from Kansas. That is the central freedom, here. The Wizard chose to set himself up the way he did. Lift the curtain and we see a series of ethical choices we made in one way and our abusers made in the opposite way. Dorothy could have taken the Wizard's position or made a thousand other compromises.</p><p></p><p>She went home to Kansas.</p><p></p><p>Exposed, the Wizard left Oz as well but who cares or even remembers where he went.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>I don't know why they like to hurt us Serenity, but they do. Once we lose our fear of them, we are free.</p><p></p><p>That Sleeping Beauty kiss was a doozy.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 676487, member: 17461"] That is what we understand once we no longer fear their contempt, their vicious ridicule, even their shunning. [I]They have done everything to us that they can. We had one another, here on FOO Chronicles. And so, we were not alone with them or with their belief systems. Because we had one another, and because we were honest about our pain and confusion, we did not break. We shared the hurt and the shame of it and we came through it, healing. [/I] Once we see who and how they are, once we actually see the nature of their "win" and understand it to be nothing more valuable than the primary abuser's bloody power-over arena extending long past the time she could force those belief systems onto any of us, then how in the world would we ever take anything they say or think or do seriously again. You win, and I do too, Serenity, in a game we never even knew we were playing. To us (to me, for sure) the "win" isn't even a lonely thing, anymore. I am not even lonely for them, anymore. I never thought that would happen. I wish it could have been different. It wasn't. I don't even say "I wish with all my heart it could have been different" because like you, I am not so invested in anything about my mother or my sister or brother, anymore. I hope their lives are going well. I wish them no harm or anything like that. That feeling of excoriated is ~ I feel compassion for myself now, that these terrible things happened to me. All of my life, there were people I thought loved me who did not love me. I came out of that system with love and fear and pain and contempt all mixed up. When I think about my mother now, there is no future fear in it. There is no fear of the hurt that attends every thought of her. Always before, though I did not name it that, there was future fear (disguised as hope ~ as determined belief, even) in my thinking about my mother especially, but probably about my sister, too. It felt sad, and so lonely, when I realized they do not behave as people who love me would behave. That was huge. It meant not that they had changed, but that I had. It was a tipping point. I never believed I would give up that dinner imagery that represented how it could be for us, for me and my children and grands and my FOO. They are incapable...but sometimes, I think it has to do with ethical choice. That they are indeed capable, but made another kind of choice than I did, than I do. Here's the thing: the thing we did not understand was why everything always seemed to go so unbelievably wrong for us in our interactions with FOO. We none of us could figure that out, remember? We had been so ashamed of what was done to us ~ so ashamed that our own people did not value and cherish and protect us. That was not our shame. That is their shame. That is the tipping point. That is the place we stop being afraid of the hurt they can betray into us. This place we have come to is not a win for us. But it is freedom. In that we are free from their ways of thinking, about themselves and about us, we win. They lose ~ but the thing they wanted to win was as pointlessly ugly as it seemed to be, when we first healed enough to be able to glimpse the truth of it, so like you, I have no feelings about how they think about any of this. I assume the worst possible interpretation, and I am certain I am correct in that. That is who they are. Nothing to do with me. *** I think they cannot hurt us now. Without fear, in the world they taught us was real, there is no love. Love and fearsome hurt were bound up together, in the dynamics our twisted families of origin insist on. No fear means we are free of all of it. It's like Dorothy lifting the curtain on the Wizard and finding nothing but a shyster from Kansas. That is the central freedom, here. The Wizard chose to set himself up the way he did. Lift the curtain and we see a series of ethical choices we made in one way and our abusers made in the opposite way. Dorothy could have taken the Wizard's position or made a thousand other compromises. She went home to Kansas. Exposed, the Wizard left Oz as well but who cares or even remembers where he went. *** I don't know why they like to hurt us Serenity, but they do. Once we lose our fear of them, we are free. That Sleeping Beauty kiss was a doozy. :O) Cedar [/QUOTE]
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