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Family of Origin
The win and the loss
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 676812" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I have to make clear. I only watched. From the side, that first and only attendance. I would not do one bump or permit one other person to bump me. There were men there too.</p><p></p><p>It was not specifically for abuse survivors. The kernel of the idea had been a good one, that the recovery, my strength I would find in my body. Through moving.</p><p></p><p>Sometimes I think I have been a canary in the mine in my life. A Forest Gump person, who by accident or destiny lived through things--not of my doing. I know I created a destiny, too, but so much I was exposed to was by accident. There was no intent, just "being there" which is a wonderful movie about the same type of character.</p><p></p><p>This buying I am now seeing as perhaps the opposite force. I am trying to surround myself with the things to use to live a life that I intend. While it seems capricious and spontaneous. Like "oh this" "oh that". Like seeing it and saying, "oh, that could be me."</p><p></p><p>I am searching here for the name of the concept which would describe something like this: I decided a few things in my life deeply. At a deep level. One was my education and profession. Self betterment, healing myself. Being a mother. Leaving the country. And dance. Dancing.</p><p></p><p>I took a bite and I would not let go. These were more than goals, they were deeply held purposes. <em>The wanting of which defined me. </em>There was nothing left for anything frivolous. For whims.</p><p></p><p>I am trying to come to grips with the buying, because if I could stop it, it would be the beginning of safety. Of learning to be safe and quieting myself, my fears.</p><p></p><p>I am so anxious, I cannot tell you. Sometimes I feel as if I am sinking into another deep depression. Other times I just feel terrified. So afraid.</p><p></p><p>I am thinking this is all about allowing this internal climate become manifest <em>to me</em></p><p>Because I think others have seen it, and that is why have been seen to have been so vulnerable.</p><p></p><p>If the buying stopped (see how I infer the volition of it to something other than me?)...if I stopped the buying...I could begin to build strength and order. Germany. Little by little. I could face down the terror. At least, hypothetically I could.</p><p></p><p>There is nobody I feel I can talk to about this. M knows I am afraid. Desperate.</p><p><em>He sees me as angry. </em>I do not feel angry. He says<em> he is afraid</em>. Like a bomb will go off in the house and I am the bomb. I do not feel anything like that.</p><p></p><p>I will drink my coffee (which is now tepid) and get back to the rest of your post, Cedar.</p><p></p><p>Thank you.</p><p></p><p>COPA</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 676812, member: 18958"] I have to make clear. I only watched. From the side, that first and only attendance. I would not do one bump or permit one other person to bump me. There were men there too. It was not specifically for abuse survivors. The kernel of the idea had been a good one, that the recovery, my strength I would find in my body. Through moving. Sometimes I think I have been a canary in the mine in my life. A Forest Gump person, who by accident or destiny lived through things--not of my doing. I know I created a destiny, too, but so much I was exposed to was by accident. There was no intent, just "being there" which is a wonderful movie about the same type of character. This buying I am now seeing as perhaps the opposite force. I am trying to surround myself with the things to use to live a life that I intend. While it seems capricious and spontaneous. Like "oh this" "oh that". Like seeing it and saying, "oh, that could be me." I am searching here for the name of the concept which would describe something like this: I decided a few things in my life deeply. At a deep level. One was my education and profession. Self betterment, healing myself. Being a mother. Leaving the country. And dance. Dancing. I took a bite and I would not let go. These were more than goals, they were deeply held purposes. [I]The wanting of which defined me. [/I]There was nothing left for anything frivolous. For whims. I am trying to come to grips with the buying, because if I could stop it, it would be the beginning of safety. Of learning to be safe and quieting myself, my fears. I am so anxious, I cannot tell you. Sometimes I feel as if I am sinking into another deep depression. Other times I just feel terrified. So afraid. I am thinking this is all about allowing this internal climate become manifest [I]to me[/I] Because I think others have seen it, and that is why have been seen to have been so vulnerable. If the buying stopped (see how I infer the volition of it to something other than me?)...if I stopped the buying...I could begin to build strength and order. Germany. Little by little. I could face down the terror. At least, hypothetically I could. There is nobody I feel I can talk to about this. M knows I am afraid. Desperate. [I]He sees me as angry. [/I]I do not feel angry. He says[I] he is afraid[/I]. Like a bomb will go off in the house and I am the bomb. I do not feel anything like that. I will drink my coffee (which is now tepid) and get back to the rest of your post, Cedar. Thank you. COPA [/QUOTE]
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