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Family of Origin
The win and the loss
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 677020" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>This is true, Copa. But we are not supposed to have to be strong enough to be with our mothers.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>The Danes were able to stand because they knew who they were; they learned who they were when soldiers in jackboots assured them they were not who they believed themselves to be. Like us, the Danes understood the required compromise would destroy them as surely as the soldiers at their doors.</p><p></p><p>No win, no lose, no draw.</p><p></p><p>The Danes stood up because there was nothing else to do.</p><p></p><p>And some, out of all those who would be lost, were saved.</p><p></p><p>Burying the story, the uniformed soldiers went to the next country. This time, the compromise was effected, and everyone lost.</p><p></p><p>The banality of evil.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>It is self-defeating to berate ourselves for our situations relative to our mothers, Copa and everyone. Who the Nazis were, what they wanted, how they justified it ~ none of that had anything to do with the Danes. </p><p></p><p>Until it did.</p><p></p><p>We were raised by those to whom we were the Jews. Or, the Danes.</p><p></p><p>How frustrating, for them.</p><p></p><p>No wonder we are shunned.</p><p></p><p>I see it all so differently now.</p><p></p><p>And though I am thinking about your take on anger IC, I am still angry. It seems so stupidly wrong a victimization, for a gain of so little value.</p><p></p><p>It's all very sad except that I am like, spitting angry about it, about the ugliness and the stupid loss of it.</p><p></p><p>Like in the Carole King song, when he reaches for something golden, but his hands come back empty.</p><p></p><p>Which doesn't mean the frog should not have tried. It means he needed to take himself, and his quest, seriously.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>We are fortunate to have survived our childhoods without <em>permanent</em> physical or emotional damage. The damage is not permanent unless we accede to its validity. The instant we see through it, it has no power over us.</p><p></p><p>Drop it.</p><p>Leave it.</p><p>Let it go.</p><p></p><p>Not let it be, Leafy.</p><p></p><p>Drop it.</p><p></p><p>Leave it.</p><p></p><p>Let it go. It cannot be changed.</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p></p><p>Freedom is right there, at our fingertips, in our decision to see the abuser for what he or she is.</p><p></p><p>It is harder than you would think.</p><p></p><p>Deception. </p><p></p><p>Who would the Danes have become had the Nazis had the power and will to isolate the Danes, to belittle and ridicule and victimize ~ had they had the power (which they did) or the time (which they did not) to shun, to enforce the Nazi mandate. </p><p></p><p>To bring even the Danes to their knees.</p><p></p><p>Our FOO have both the power (until we see through them), and the time, to shun. I have been shunned twice that I am aware of. (There could be more times that I am not aware of. Think about that, you guys. <em>Times the primary abuser changed his or her mind.</em>) Serenity's sister would not leave Serenity alone. Once Serenity became healthy enough not to play into it, the outraged sister posted here. The point I am making is that shunning is not the shaming rejection it seems, but a tool.</p><p></p><p>That we are shunned means we refused them.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>The role and the value and the purpose and validity of anger. What is it that I will come to understand the value of anger to be. There is a difference between anger and rage. I think they are not the same emotion, at all.</p><p></p><p>Where does resentment fit in.</p><p></p><p>The banality of evil.</p><p> </p><p>I think the Danes did not feel anger. Anger is explosive, is strengthening.</p><p></p><p>I think the Danes simply stood where they stood.</p><p></p><p>There was nothing else to be done.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes.</p><p></p><p>A power-over dynamic consciously nurtured and intentionally maintained. </p><p></p><p>Not an accident, at all.</p><p></p><p>The banality of evil can only be understood in comparison to the wonder of what might have been. Still, in imagining what might have been, we can begin to create it. In understanding what the emotional currents would have been in healthy environments, we can heal ourselves, now.</p><p></p><p>As we are doing.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>For the victim (which on a broader plane, a worldwide one, will be most of humanity), is fear the driver, or is it uncertainty. Or just what is it that enables compromise in one and forbids compromise in another. Fear is the place we first compromise our own value. The Danes stood up; proclaimed that, whether they were afraid of the soldiers or not (and of course they were), they were a people who understood that to compromise their values would destroy them as surely as whatever the soldiers could do to them. </p><p></p><p>And so, not only the Jews, but the Danes themselves, were saved.</p><p></p><p>We were brought up believing we had no intrinsic value and so, had no right to claim a set of values to compromise. </p><p></p><p>The banality of evil.</p><p></p><p>The intentional banality of evil.</p><p></p><p>Without intention, it just is what it is. And not evil. </p><p></p><p>That is the difference.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>The thing is, evil feeds on itself. With the first threat, it changes levels; escalates. Lest those threatened lose the fear motivating compromise, the grandiosity addict, trapped as surely as his victim, must take it to the next level.</p><p></p><p>An eye-rolling, a shaming; an imprisonment, or a shunning; a beheading.</p><p></p><p>A matter of degree; the victim, interchangeable. The horrific nature of the action taken given more value than the thing destroyed.</p><p></p><p>That matters.</p><p></p><p>That concept matters.</p><p></p><p>That is how we grew up, some of us in circumstances more vicious than others. That is why the abuser claims not to remember, maybe. The victim does not matter. Literally, interchangeable things to be hurt or destroyed to solidify the abusers power base.</p><p></p><p>The dynamic will have been the same one: to magnify and shore up and celebrate the identity of the primary abuser <em>who may not even realize what he or she is doing or why</em>. This is a human thing that happens and has been happening, forever. It is no different than someone declaring himself of noble blood and collecting henchmen to elevate both himself and his henchmen over the slave classes the abuser also (conveniently) invents and enslaves. </p><p></p><p>We compromise, to live. </p><p></p><p>Seeing the chains, seeing the Scarlet letter or the yellow star, the rest of us believe either that we are better than the victim, or that the victim may contaminate us by association. </p><p></p><p>It is rare, for us to stand as Danes.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>The banality of evil.</p><p></p><p>The question is how to think about anger.</p><p></p><p>That is the question. There is a weakness, a permissiveness, in anger. Something we cannot afford.</p><p></p><p>But still, I am angry.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 677020, member: 17461"] This is true, Copa. But we are not supposed to have to be strong enough to be with our mothers. *** The Danes were able to stand because they knew who they were; they learned who they were when soldiers in jackboots assured them they were not who they believed themselves to be. Like us, the Danes understood the required compromise would destroy them as surely as the soldiers at their doors. No win, no lose, no draw. The Danes stood up because there was nothing else to do. And some, out of all those who would be lost, were saved. Burying the story, the uniformed soldiers went to the next country. This time, the compromise was effected, and everyone lost. The banality of evil. *** It is self-defeating to berate ourselves for our situations relative to our mothers, Copa and everyone. Who the Nazis were, what they wanted, how they justified it ~ none of that had anything to do with the Danes. Until it did. We were raised by those to whom we were the Jews. Or, the Danes. How frustrating, for them. No wonder we are shunned. I see it all so differently now. And though I am thinking about your take on anger IC, I am still angry. It seems so stupidly wrong a victimization, for a gain of so little value. It's all very sad except that I am like, spitting angry about it, about the ugliness and the stupid loss of it. Like in the Carole King song, when he reaches for something golden, but his hands come back empty. Which doesn't mean the frog should not have tried. It means he needed to take himself, and his quest, seriously. *** We are fortunate to have survived our childhoods without [I]permanent[/I] physical or emotional[I] [/I]damage. The damage is not permanent unless we accede to its validity. The instant we see through it, it has no power over us. Drop it. Leave it. Let it go. Not let it be, Leafy. Drop it. Leave it. Let it go. It cannot be changed. *** Freedom is right there, at our fingertips, in our decision to see the abuser for what he or she is. It is harder than you would think. Deception. Who would the Danes have become had the Nazis had the power and will to isolate the Danes, to belittle and ridicule and victimize ~ had they had the power (which they did) or the time (which they did not) to shun, to enforce the Nazi mandate. To bring even the Danes to their knees. Our FOO have both the power (until we see through them), and the time, to shun. I have been shunned twice that I am aware of. (There could be more times that I am not aware of. Think about that, you guys. [I]Times the primary abuser changed his or her mind.[/I]) Serenity's sister would not leave Serenity alone. Once Serenity became healthy enough not to play into it, the outraged sister posted here. The point I am making is that shunning is not the shaming rejection it seems, but a tool. That we are shunned means we refused them. *** The role and the value and the purpose and validity of anger. What is it that I will come to understand the value of anger to be. There is a difference between anger and rage. I think they are not the same emotion, at all. Where does resentment fit in. The banality of evil. I think the Danes did not feel anger. Anger is explosive, is strengthening. I think the Danes simply stood where they stood. There was nothing else to be done. Yes. A power-over dynamic consciously nurtured and intentionally maintained. Not an accident, at all. The banality of evil can only be understood in comparison to the wonder of what might have been. Still, in imagining what might have been, we can begin to create it. In understanding what the emotional currents would have been in healthy environments, we can heal ourselves, now. As we are doing. *** For the victim (which on a broader plane, a worldwide one, will be most of humanity), is fear the driver, or is it uncertainty. Or just what is it that enables compromise in one and forbids compromise in another. Fear is the place we first compromise our own value. The Danes stood up; proclaimed that, whether they were afraid of the soldiers or not (and of course they were), they were a people who understood that to compromise their values would destroy them as surely as whatever the soldiers could do to them. And so, not only the Jews, but the Danes themselves, were saved. We were brought up believing we had no intrinsic value and so, had no right to claim a set of values to compromise. The banality of evil. The intentional banality of evil. Without intention, it just is what it is. And not evil. That is the difference. *** The thing is, evil feeds on itself. With the first threat, it changes levels; escalates. Lest those threatened lose the fear motivating compromise, the grandiosity addict, trapped as surely as his victim, must take it to the next level. An eye-rolling, a shaming; an imprisonment, or a shunning; a beheading. A matter of degree; the victim, interchangeable. The horrific nature of the action taken given more value than the thing destroyed. That matters. That concept matters. That is how we grew up, some of us in circumstances more vicious than others. That is why the abuser claims not to remember, maybe. The victim does not matter. Literally, interchangeable things to be hurt or destroyed to solidify the abusers power base. The dynamic will have been the same one: to magnify and shore up and celebrate the identity of the primary abuser [I]who may not even realize what he or she is doing or why[/I]. This is a human thing that happens and has been happening, forever. It is no different than someone declaring himself of noble blood and collecting henchmen to elevate both himself and his henchmen over the slave classes the abuser also (conveniently) invents and enslaves. We compromise, to live. Seeing the chains, seeing the Scarlet letter or the yellow star, the rest of us believe either that we are better than the victim, or that the victim may contaminate us by association. It is rare, for us to stand as Danes. *** The banality of evil. The question is how to think about anger. That is the question. There is a weakness, a permissiveness, in anger. Something we cannot afford. But still, I am angry. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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