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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 743681" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I think they must feel that do help themselves is to lose us. And if this is the case, what we need to do is to demonstrate the opposite. That their not doing for themselves is the behavior that has costs. And that doing for themselves has rewards. They feel there is a potential cost to their agency and self-sufficiency, and I am unsure exactly why.</p><p>I do not think he wants the Bake Shop job. I think he thinks his power comes from having what he wants when and how he wants it. He wants to be the master of ceremonies OF YOU. That is what makes him feel powerful. Unfortunately.</p><p></p><p>I heard on the radio today is that power is defined as having power over others, to extract things advantageous to you, from those over whom you have power to their detriment and disadvantage...<em><u>at no cost to you.</u></em> I believe our sons fit this definition.</p><p>He is not passionate about the job. The job is meaningless. The goal is to demonstrate his power over YOU and vis a vis the program.</p><p> They feel helpless and stuck and afraid. They feel that their way of overcoming this feeling is to make us feel helpless and afraid. They jerk us around to get the helpless and stuck and afraid feelings in us. That makes them feel more powerful.</p><p></p><p>If like you say we do not get scared. If we do not jump to their tune they are stuck with the bad feelings. There is no pay off. They are not rewarded for their bad behavior. He is not empowered by your disempowerment. He gains nothing. If he is to gain power it will have to be by his own decisions to do something for himself.</p><p></p><p>The more that we suffer, the more they can put the consequences in us too. That we will be the ones who will pay for their leaving the program using drugs, etc. etc. etc. Our role then as to play dead. Except not completely dead, because I really see it benefits my child to be in dialog with me....AS LONG AS I STAY CALM AND CENTERED AND NON-REACTIVE (which is a big order for me.)</p><p></p><p>Thank you TL.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 743681, member: 18958"] I think they must feel that do help themselves is to lose us. And if this is the case, what we need to do is to demonstrate the opposite. That their not doing for themselves is the behavior that has costs. And that doing for themselves has rewards. They feel there is a potential cost to their agency and self-sufficiency, and I am unsure exactly why. I do not think he wants the Bake Shop job. I think he thinks his power comes from having what he wants when and how he wants it. He wants to be the master of ceremonies OF YOU. That is what makes him feel powerful. Unfortunately. I heard on the radio today is that power is defined as having power over others, to extract things advantageous to you, from those over whom you have power to their detriment and disadvantage...[I][U]at no cost to you.[/U][/I] I believe our sons fit this definition. He is not passionate about the job. The job is meaningless. The goal is to demonstrate his power over YOU and vis a vis the program. They feel helpless and stuck and afraid. They feel that their way of overcoming this feeling is to make us feel helpless and afraid. They jerk us around to get the helpless and stuck and afraid feelings in us. That makes them feel more powerful. If like you say we do not get scared. If we do not jump to their tune they are stuck with the bad feelings. There is no pay off. They are not rewarded for their bad behavior. He is not empowered by your disempowerment. He gains nothing. If he is to gain power it will have to be by his own decisions to do something for himself. The more that we suffer, the more they can put the consequences in us too. That we will be the ones who will pay for their leaving the program using drugs, etc. etc. etc. Our role then as to play dead. Except not completely dead, because I really see it benefits my child to be in dialog with me....AS LONG AS I STAY CALM AND CENTERED AND NON-REACTIVE (which is a big order for me.) Thank you TL. [/QUOTE]
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