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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 362606" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Yes, I agree with the staff. You need to listen, for so very many reasons. </p><p></p><p>First - she needs to feel that she has been heard (yes, even if she is lying). She needs to know she is heard in everything. Also, your patience and silence will have her talking more, and frankly the more she talks, especially impulsively, the more likely she is to stumble over her lies.</p><p></p><p>Second - other people need to know you are handling her with quietness, calm and reason. Be quite and hear her out. Completely. Take notes. Then when she runs out of things to say, make sure she has finished. "Are you finished? Is it my turn now?" Then speak. Calmly go over her story and point out the inconsistencies. Don't say, "You're lying," but instead say, "I think you might be mistaken."</p><p></p><p>Third - SHE has to learn to own this. She needs apologies to her to be unconditional. This is the only way she will learn to give unconditional apologies. Make it clear that this is the new policy - all apologies, whether from you or form her, must be unconditional otherwise they have no value. Apologies also have to be freely offered and not prompted, or they have no value. </p><p></p><p>Fourth - she should never be forced to apologise or make restitution, without agreeing freely to do so. If she is forced, then she learns nothing. She will be resentful and it can actually make her worse, not better.</p><p></p><p>Set the example for her. Also by listening, even if she is lying, you are showing her that she is worth listening too. With her bad self-esteem, she needs this. She needs a starting point so she can begin to crawl back from the hole she has dug for herself. Sometimes it's hard to know where to start, and not starting is easier than making that first effort.</p><p></p><p>Set goals for her - the hair dye is a good idea, but I think it's too big and asking too much for too long. Set smaller goals with smaller rewards. Each achieved stays achieved even if she backslides. She needs to be able to look back and realise she IS capable of success, even at a minor level.</p><p></p><p>Definitely listen in full. Even if she initially thinks, "Hey, I'm getting away with this!" she will realise, as soon as you start talking (and as I said, take notes so you can be accurate in what you refer to) that she is not getting away with a thing. And frankly, if she is lying so badly, then the more she is allowed to shoot her mouth off, the more lies you will be able to call her on. it will be a real shock.</p><p></p><p>And hey - what you're doing now isn't working, so it's worth trying something else. </p><p></p><p>Insanity is doing the same thing, but expecting different results.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 362606, member: 1991"] Yes, I agree with the staff. You need to listen, for so very many reasons. First - she needs to feel that she has been heard (yes, even if she is lying). She needs to know she is heard in everything. Also, your patience and silence will have her talking more, and frankly the more she talks, especially impulsively, the more likely she is to stumble over her lies. Second - other people need to know you are handling her with quietness, calm and reason. Be quite and hear her out. Completely. Take notes. Then when she runs out of things to say, make sure she has finished. "Are you finished? Is it my turn now?" Then speak. Calmly go over her story and point out the inconsistencies. Don't say, "You're lying," but instead say, "I think you might be mistaken." Third - SHE has to learn to own this. She needs apologies to her to be unconditional. This is the only way she will learn to give unconditional apologies. Make it clear that this is the new policy - all apologies, whether from you or form her, must be unconditional otherwise they have no value. Apologies also have to be freely offered and not prompted, or they have no value. Fourth - she should never be forced to apologise or make restitution, without agreeing freely to do so. If she is forced, then she learns nothing. She will be resentful and it can actually make her worse, not better. Set the example for her. Also by listening, even if she is lying, you are showing her that she is worth listening too. With her bad self-esteem, she needs this. She needs a starting point so she can begin to crawl back from the hole she has dug for herself. Sometimes it's hard to know where to start, and not starting is easier than making that first effort. Set goals for her - the hair dye is a good idea, but I think it's too big and asking too much for too long. Set smaller goals with smaller rewards. Each achieved stays achieved even if she backslides. She needs to be able to look back and realise she IS capable of success, even at a minor level. Definitely listen in full. Even if she initially thinks, "Hey, I'm getting away with this!" she will realise, as soon as you start talking (and as I said, take notes so you can be accurate in what you refer to) that she is not getting away with a thing. And frankly, if she is lying so badly, then the more she is allowed to shoot her mouth off, the more lies you will be able to call her on. it will be a real shock. And hey - what you're doing now isn't working, so it's worth trying something else. Insanity is doing the same thing, but expecting different results. Marg [/QUOTE]
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