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<blockquote data-quote="ROE" data-source="post: 47593" data-attributes="member: 2276"><p>KJS,</p><p></p><p>I believe in another post you stated that t.doctor called you and told you that difficult child said he hated you (correct me if I am wrong). T.doctor's remarks strike me as a very inappropriate way to handle the situation.</p><p></p><p>My difficult child was in therapy from ages 9-11.5. His therapy sessions were set up so that he met with t.doctor first, and then me and husband joined them. T.doctor never would have repeated anything that difficult child said to him in the manner that you describe.</p><p></p><p>If there were issues, and there always was, I usually had to bring them up. In fact, difficult child often relied on me to do the talking and did very little talking himself (husband was usually mute as well). Everything was discussed openly. I think it gave t.doctor a better view of the dynamics of the situation by being able to gauge everyone's responses. T.doctor was better able to offer advice and solutions. There are downsides to having difficult child sitting there while you are talking about him (twice I did request a private consult)but the positive side is that difficult child didn't have to worry about what was being said "behind his back". It was discussed in front of him and he had the opportunity to respond. One thing I will mention about this approach is that I tried to keep things in perspective-I described the incidents that concerned me but if there were good things I shared those too. Even now, difficult child's medication checks are set up the same way-1/2 the time is with difficult child alone and the other 1/2 the time I am included. </p><p></p><p>I don't understand how your difficult child's t.doctor comments are helping anyone. I would expect t.doctor to redirect difficult child, "can you tell us why you are angry with your mother or what is it about school that you don't like?" etc.. so that he can offer some advice. To repeat that difficult child stated that he hates his mother doesn't accomplish anything but to hurt your feelings unnecessarily. Does t.doctor offer advice or just leave it hanging there? Do you feel that this t.doctor is helping the situation at all? If not,do you have other options?</p><p></p><p>My difficult child's first t.doctor was very ineffective, it took me awhile to realize it. I was new at this game. I liked her because she seemed to genuinely care about difficult child. Her sessions were set up differenty-she met with either difficult child or me separately, sometimes in the same day (session was divided)but sometimes not (ran out of time I guess). She never talked to us together. The only advice she ever offered me was-he needs a pych. consult for depression, and keep a journal of his behaviors. It was helpful advice at the time (I had no idea what to do at the time) but it wasn't nearly enough. For all of the problems that he was having, she had no suggestions EVER. difficult child hit crisis mode and t.doctor was more clueless than me. It was time for a change...We paid out of pocket to see another t.doctor. I never regretted the decision. Sorry for rambling, I hope I made some sense.</p><p></p><p>As far as difficult child, saying that he hates you, as hurtful as it is to hear, remember that it's not true. He's saying it out of anger, frustration, and maybe he's feeling a little hurt himself. I think that negativity, and difficult child's tend to get alot of it whether it's at home, school, or in public, chips away at their esteem; even when it's their behavior that brought it on the first place. In my difficult child's younger days, his first instinct would be to lash out, say something hurtful to me because he is feeling hurt.</p><p></p><p>Heck, I bet there isn't one kid, difficult child or easy child that hasn't told their parents that they hate them at least once. I know its harder to deal with when you hear it on a regular basis.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="ROE, post: 47593, member: 2276"] KJS, I believe in another post you stated that t.doctor called you and told you that difficult child said he hated you (correct me if I am wrong). T.doctor's remarks strike me as a very inappropriate way to handle the situation. My difficult child was in therapy from ages 9-11.5. His therapy sessions were set up so that he met with t.doctor first, and then me and husband joined them. T.doctor never would have repeated anything that difficult child said to him in the manner that you describe. If there were issues, and there always was, I usually had to bring them up. In fact, difficult child often relied on me to do the talking and did very little talking himself (husband was usually mute as well). Everything was discussed openly. I think it gave t.doctor a better view of the dynamics of the situation by being able to gauge everyone's responses. T.doctor was better able to offer advice and solutions. There are downsides to having difficult child sitting there while you are talking about him (twice I did request a private consult)but the positive side is that difficult child didn't have to worry about what was being said "behind his back". It was discussed in front of him and he had the opportunity to respond. One thing I will mention about this approach is that I tried to keep things in perspective-I described the incidents that concerned me but if there were good things I shared those too. Even now, difficult child's medication checks are set up the same way-1/2 the time is with difficult child alone and the other 1/2 the time I am included. I don't understand how your difficult child's t.doctor comments are helping anyone. I would expect t.doctor to redirect difficult child, "can you tell us why you are angry with your mother or what is it about school that you don't like?" etc.. so that he can offer some advice. To repeat that difficult child stated that he hates his mother doesn't accomplish anything but to hurt your feelings unnecessarily. Does t.doctor offer advice or just leave it hanging there? Do you feel that this t.doctor is helping the situation at all? If not,do you have other options? My difficult child's first t.doctor was very ineffective, it took me awhile to realize it. I was new at this game. I liked her because she seemed to genuinely care about difficult child. Her sessions were set up differenty-she met with either difficult child or me separately, sometimes in the same day (session was divided)but sometimes not (ran out of time I guess). She never talked to us together. The only advice she ever offered me was-he needs a pych. consult for depression, and keep a journal of his behaviors. It was helpful advice at the time (I had no idea what to do at the time) but it wasn't nearly enough. For all of the problems that he was having, she had no suggestions EVER. difficult child hit crisis mode and t.doctor was more clueless than me. It was time for a change...We paid out of pocket to see another t.doctor. I never regretted the decision. Sorry for rambling, I hope I made some sense. As far as difficult child, saying that he hates you, as hurtful as it is to hear, remember that it's not true. He's saying it out of anger, frustration, and maybe he's feeling a little hurt himself. I think that negativity, and difficult child's tend to get alot of it whether it's at home, school, or in public, chips away at their esteem; even when it's their behavior that brought it on the first place. In my difficult child's younger days, his first instinct would be to lash out, say something hurtful to me because he is feeling hurt. Heck, I bet there isn't one kid, difficult child or easy child that hasn't told their parents that they hate them at least once. I know its harder to deal with when you hear it on a regular basis. [/QUOTE]
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