Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Therapy for me
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Tanya M" data-source="post: 753141" data-attributes="member: 18516"><p>Hi MissLuLu. </p><p></p><p>Going to therapy can be good but I stress that you must find a therapist that is really good. If you don't feel comfortable with one you need to keep looking until you find one that feels right.</p><p>A good therapist will help you to learn how to navigate through the emotions you are feeling. </p><p></p><p></p><p>I've been there. There was a time I didn't want anyone to know what was going on with my son. I think it's a very normal reaction but not a healthy one.</p><p>I will only share information about my son to people I know I can trust and who will not stand in judgment of me. </p><p>If I'm in a new setting where I meet new people and that dreaded question - "Do you have children" gets asked, I simply say "yes, I have one son" I do not offer any more about him but if asked "what does your son do for a living" I will respond with something like "he's a jack of all trades" and then I will change the subject or excuse myself from the conversation.</p><p>I have to really know someone well before I share the ugly truth with them.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Let me ask you these few questions:</p><p>Do you love your son?</p><p>Did you do the best you could in raising him?</p><p>Did you sometimes make mistakes as a parent?</p><p>Have you tried to help your son?</p><p>If you answered yes to these questions then you have nothing to feel ashamed about and the choices your son is making has no reflection on you.</p><p>We as parents can get into a mind set of thinking that we should be able to solve all of our children's problems and if we don't that we must have failed them.</p><p>This is just not true. We raise our kids the very best we can but ultimately, our kids will make their own choices for how they live. </p><p>It's also very common for a difficult adult child to blame all their problems on Mom & Dad and we as the parents have no problem taking on the guilt.</p><p>There is a wonderful saying "Coming out of the FOG" the FOG stands for Fear, Obligation, Guilt</p><p>Once we purge ourselves of these crippling emotions we can then move on with our own lives.</p><p></p><p>I'm not sure how old your son is but I'm sure he's old enough to take care of himself. You say that he is mostly following your rules. What is the consequence if he doesn't follow a rule? </p><p>This is where things can go wrong. The boundaries we set are only good if we follow through with a consequence. We as parents have to be willing to follow through no matter how much it hurts our hearts.</p><p>It's much to easy to fall into the role of enabler. When we enable someone we are really hurting them. Sure, it makes us feel better because we don't have to see them suffer but sometimes they need to suffer, the need learn how to navigate life without mommy and daddy always throwing a life preserver to them. It is through our struggles that we learn and grow.</p><p></p><p>You will never have the peace you want in your home as long as your son is there. You may want to really consider giving him a time limit, but again, you have to be willing to follow through. Let's say you give your son 6 months, there is an end date and that date gets closer, are you really prepared to follow through?</p><p></p><p>We each can only do what we can live with. For me, I decided a long time ago that my life was worth living for me. I had to come to a place of acceptance - accepting that I had zero control over my son's life choices. Accepting that he was going to continue living a homeless, wondering lifestyle. Accepting that he and I my never have a close relationship. Accepting that I did the best I could to help him. Accepting that my life matters and that I'm not getting any younger and deserve to live a life without my son's chaos.</p><p></p><p>This is not an easy road to travel but I you will glean much support from the warrior parents on this site.</p><p></p><p>((HUGS)) to you...................</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Tanya M, post: 753141, member: 18516"] Hi MissLuLu. Going to therapy can be good but I stress that you must find a therapist that is really good. If you don't feel comfortable with one you need to keep looking until you find one that feels right. A good therapist will help you to learn how to navigate through the emotions you are feeling. I've been there. There was a time I didn't want anyone to know what was going on with my son. I think it's a very normal reaction but not a healthy one. I will only share information about my son to people I know I can trust and who will not stand in judgment of me. If I'm in a new setting where I meet new people and that dreaded question - "Do you have children" gets asked, I simply say "yes, I have one son" I do not offer any more about him but if asked "what does your son do for a living" I will respond with something like "he's a jack of all trades" and then I will change the subject or excuse myself from the conversation. I have to really know someone well before I share the ugly truth with them. Let me ask you these few questions: Do you love your son? Did you do the best you could in raising him? Did you sometimes make mistakes as a parent? Have you tried to help your son? If you answered yes to these questions then you have nothing to feel ashamed about and the choices your son is making has no reflection on you. We as parents can get into a mind set of thinking that we should be able to solve all of our children's problems and if we don't that we must have failed them. This is just not true. We raise our kids the very best we can but ultimately, our kids will make their own choices for how they live. It's also very common for a difficult adult child to blame all their problems on Mom & Dad and we as the parents have no problem taking on the guilt. There is a wonderful saying "Coming out of the FOG" the FOG stands for Fear, Obligation, Guilt Once we purge ourselves of these crippling emotions we can then move on with our own lives. I'm not sure how old your son is but I'm sure he's old enough to take care of himself. You say that he is mostly following your rules. What is the consequence if he doesn't follow a rule? This is where things can go wrong. The boundaries we set are only good if we follow through with a consequence. We as parents have to be willing to follow through no matter how much it hurts our hearts. It's much to easy to fall into the role of enabler. When we enable someone we are really hurting them. Sure, it makes us feel better because we don't have to see them suffer but sometimes they need to suffer, the need learn how to navigate life without mommy and daddy always throwing a life preserver to them. It is through our struggles that we learn and grow. You will never have the peace you want in your home as long as your son is there. You may want to really consider giving him a time limit, but again, you have to be willing to follow through. Let's say you give your son 6 months, there is an end date and that date gets closer, are you really prepared to follow through? We each can only do what we can live with. For me, I decided a long time ago that my life was worth living for me. I had to come to a place of acceptance - accepting that I had zero control over my son's life choices. Accepting that he was going to continue living a homeless, wondering lifestyle. Accepting that he and I my never have a close relationship. Accepting that I did the best I could to help him. Accepting that my life matters and that I'm not getting any younger and deserve to live a life without my son's chaos. This is not an easy road to travel but I you will glean much support from the warrior parents on this site. ((HUGS)) to you................... [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Therapy for me
Top