Things are going from bad to worse!!!!

[sooooo tired]

I feel like the weakest person on here !!! I have been dealing with my Difficult Child for over 20 plus years, and I must just never get it. I go for spurts without talking to her, the last spurt was 2 years. Then she slowly maneuvers her way back into my life, and is soooo sweet and nice and I always think, "she's changed this time" but as time goes on and her life starts going downhill, then she starts the manipulation tactics! This time I have been back in her life for almost 3 years,and she has a 3 year old that is my heart string and she knows it, so things aren't going well with this baby daddy so she wants to move in with me and I told her no, so now she hates me again and is verbally ripping my heart out! She even said she thought I would let her and her son move in because I am so close to him, so obviously she has been prepping me for this for awhile!! The ultimate hurt came today when I took him back home and as soon as we pulled in the driveway he started crying uncontrollably and screaming " I don't want to come here...I want to go with you" I know for a fact he is not getting physically abused But they are constantly screaming and fighting. He even said to me Mommy and daddy yell really loud and say really bad words! It breaks my heart!!!! I can't raise him, I am 61 and will probably have to work for 5 more years. I don't want him in foster care because I don't want to lose contact with him. plus it would traumatize him even more to be somewhere with strangers!! Then to top off my day her 17 year old was there when I left the 3 year old off, and he needed a ride to work,and had all his clothes in a bag and said he was moving out of his older brothers house because he hates his brothers girlfriend, so I asked him where he was gonna go, and he said he would probly just sleep at the truck stop and could he have some money!!! My god I could just scream.My daughters whole life is a mess and now from her dysfunctional parenting her kids lives are taking the same path, except for her 12 year old daughter,who she never sees because she lives with her dad and has a very stable life. Oh well 1 out of 4 will have a chance in life!!! The problem with me is I let it eat me alive, no matter how hard I try to be strong I JUST CAN'T MAKE IT HAPPEN !!!!!! And then sometimes I get people who say "Now she IS your daughter and if something happened to her you would feel really bad!!! I get so confused! Honestly if it wasn't for the 3 year old I could go the rest of my life without seeing her and I don't think it would bother me.....now I'm sure some people would hear that and say ...what an awful way to feel, but I'm so tired of getting abused by her!!! I know I keep repeating things over and over on here but I keep thinking myself to death!

 

[BusynMember]

I am so sorry you are hurting. It always helps to remember that you didn't do anything wrong, that your daughter is never probably going to be any different, and not to let her sweet talk her way so deeply into your heart. Keep a wall up and be cynical. When they are being the nicest to us, very sadly, it is often to set us up for a huge favor, like money or a place to stay and the niceness wears off as soon as we say "no." You also have no control of your grandson. The law makes it that way. She has other children and they are making their way the best they can, still alive and growing, in spite of her abuse/neglect.

I hope you like yourself enough to get into therapy if you aren't already in it. That's really what helped me over the hump....that and Al-Anon. It is very hard to learn detachment and coping skills on your own.

It took me a loooooooooooooong time to learn this...but nobody should be allowed to abuse you, no matter who they are, including adult children. I think it's always best not to spread the word about your troubles with Difficult Child. Neighbors, family, co-workers...those without the same problems do not understand the hate that can be showered on us by people who are supposed to love us. And many others think you have to put up with it anyway if they are related to you. I've learned to keep my life to myself, except on anon. forums, like this one. The advice of somebody who has not lived what we have is not informed advice. I keep my family garbage between me and my therapist and the good folks here.

Do you work, have hobbies, have any places you go to for fun, etc? You matter. You matter as much as anyone matters. Equal to your daughter and grandson.

Remember, we are always here, even at night, even on holidays, and we care about you.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

So Tired, what are your options regarding this daughter and her children?

When I am in a welter of emotion, if I can list options, I can see with clarity.
What are your options where this grandson is concerned? List them. What would happen if you took one or all your people in. What would happen if you took only the three year old and the grandson.

What would happen if you take none of them.

Could it be true that your daughter will mother her children better once she knows beyond doubt that you are not there to take care of she and her children?

Give her a chance to stand up and do that. You don't need to make excuses. Don't offer, and if she asks, say "No." You can do it. No explanation is best. That is how we get tricked into doing things we never can remember agreeing to.

I think it might help you to be more centered if you had something like a set point. A place where you tell yourself: If so and so happens, I am calling Child Welfare. If such and so happens, I am not bringing the three year old back home. Those kinds of things, so you know what you will do is something bad happens and you can stop worrying and worrying about it. If the grandson sleeps at the bus station, call Social Services. Tell him he needs to keep his eye on his future; he needs to get a job, make a plan. Sleeping at the bus station is not a plan.

It is very hard to stay focused when our children's lives are in chaos, but when we can see through the FOG of it, there are things that the people who are making the bad choices could do that could make the situation better. If you know what those things are, if you have made set points around each chaotic potential thing that might happen, then you will have that knowledge too running through your mind when everyone tries to get you to take on their responsibilities. This helped me: If you take on their responsibilities, they will never, ever, learn to depend on themselves. They will always be people whose story is that if only I can make this bad enough, someone will help me.

They need to be people who trust themselves.

I am sorry this is happening. It must have been awful to hear the baby cry and still bring him home.

I would be upset too, SoTired.

Cedar

 

[Childofmine]

Soootired,

One question right now: are you going to alanon?

I was just like you are when I crawled through those doors.

Start going. Go every single day no matter what. It can be the answer to everything you wrote above.

Just sit there. You don't have to say a word. Open yourself up and take in everything that is read and said. Take what you like and makes sense to you and leave the rest. Over time more and more of what you read and hear will start to make the most beautiful sense.

Hang in there. You are completely enmeshed as is understandable. Alanon will give you the tools to unhook.

Keep us posted. We are here for you.

 

[Tanya M]

I'm glad you are venting and getting your emotions out. I completely agree with the others that have suggested Al Anon, please find a meeting and start going.

Honestly if it wasn't for the 3 year old I could go the rest of my life without seeing her and I don't think it would bother me.....now I'm sure some people would hear that and say ...what an awful way to feel

Who cares what other people think. They have not lived through the pain and chaos you have. I remember a time when someone I knew said to me "how can you be so cruel and allow your son to be homeless" I looked them straight in the eyes and said "I do not have any power over the decisions my son makes, if he chooses to be homeless then so be it"
I will not give any energy to what others think about me.

I am so sorry that your heart is breaking over your little grandson. I can only imagine how hard that was to drop him off while he was crying.

There are no easy answers to this. What I can tell you is you have to put yourself first. You are 61 and should be enjoying your life instead of being sucked into your daughters drama and chaos. That is the choice you have to make for yourself. I know you love your grandson and you are not able to raise him, that being said, to keep his best interest at heart do you feel he is better off with your daughter or would he be better off with someone else? I don't know all the ins and outs of foster care but you might still be able to see him. It doesn't hurt to call child services and discuss it with someone.

Hang in there and please keep posting. Never feel like you post to much.

((HUGS)) to you........................

 

[JulieAnn]

I am so sorry. This has got to be so heart wrenching.

One thing I do know, from personal experience, is that Grandparents ARE able to see the grandchildren in foster care. Just so you know, if it should come to that. You did nothing wrong. A girlfriend of mine has her grandchild every so often - for a week, many holidays. It is something familiar for the child and the courts are not totally heartless.

I feel just horrible for these small children. I don't know what I would do. These wonderful, smart people here are your best bet.

I agree with everyone else. Screw what any body else says or thinks. It's not their life. If they haven't been through it like everyone here, what are they basing their guidance on? Nothing. Big old nothing.

Stay strong.

 

[tishthedish]

This has a familiar ring to it, because I've been in similar straits. I have a 4 year old special needs grandson and two very immature parents. I've been on this board a while, about 18 months and you have gotten great advice. Please read my post "It just got worse, way worse" and "I got laundry for my birthday". Any that refer to difficult child 2 are going to be pertinent to what you're going through. I am so sorry. It's a heartwrenching situation and you're in the midst of it. Stay strong and keep your boundaries about your house....please. If social services gets involved, you'll be the first person they call. When I spoke to them they asked about my husband and I and other family members. You will have input if it comes to that. We chose to take our grandson a it was short-termed. DCFS still isn't done with my son and that was a year ago. He had court as late as today. The baby mama had DCFS on her tail so hard that she signed all rights away to my son. Sometimes you have to give the system time to work. If I would have forced it we would have been estranged and it would have been bad. Stay strong about your boundaries. Call DCFS anonymously if you feel the need. Don't give your name. They'll tell you they won't tell and it will help them but you can't know what kind of case worker you'll get. I learned the hard way. Al-Anon has changed my life. I had never even considered it until someone suggested it here. I staggered into a meeting one afternoon looking like hell warmed over. I cried through the entire meeting. It was the kindest thing I have ever done for myself and it still feels good. Hang in there. Hugs and prayers coming your way.

 

[Lioness]

So Tired it broke my heart to read what you're going through. They use the grand child as a weapon because they know our weakness. Stay strong in your resolve unfortunately my daughter does the same to me. They suck you in and spit you out. You always want them to change but it's a miracle you need. Take care of yourself and guard your heart. Bless you & hugs. I'm sorry I can't help you except to say my heart goes out to you x