Thinking About Officially Calling it Quits...

[DaisyFace]

I know I've posted about my frustrations before...and wondering whether it's OK to "give up" on my difficult child...

but I really feel as though we are reaching the end-of-the-line.

The Behavior Therapist was fired in December. This was right after my meeting with the Supervisor (the meeting that I thought went so well). And now, I've had the January meeting with the Supervisor...and I learn that despite everything we discussed last month - respite services are STILL not available...and it will be a good little while before the Supervisor will be able to find a new therapist to work with difficult child.

I told Supervisor that we need a person who is experienced with difficult children! I told Supervisor that I need a person who knows more than I do. To which Supervisor jumped at - and immediately offered parenting classes---AAARRRGGGHHHH!!!!

NO - not parenting class! I need a person who has more knowledge and experience than we do in handling a person with this set of diagnoses...

Oh! Well...

And then it's the same old song and dance: these things take time; lack of funding; short-handed; waiting-list; yadda; yadda; yadda...

And then the Supervisor actually asked me: Now that I have met with her a few times, do I now have a whole new level of confidence in the program?

My answer? NO. I told her that quite frankly, this whole adventure has been nothing but a 'comedy of errors' and the person losing out in all of this is difficult child!

Well, Supervisor wanted to assure me that everything was different now (even though it all sounds exactly the same!)...

Meanwhile...

therapist is leaving. So difficult child will have to start with somebody new.

difficult child turns 17 before the school year ends.

The school year ends in May...the new therapist and new Behavior Therapist will probably not be in place before the end of school.

So really? Really??? We're supposed to start all over again with a new therapist and a new behavior therapist and a new psychiatrist at age 17? Back to square one - AGAIN????

I'm thinking it's time to just withdraw difficult child from the State/County programs. It's all just smoke and mirrors at this point...

 

[AnnieO]

I know how you feel... Wish my magic Pixy Stix really worked...

 

[StressedM0mma]

Ugh. I feel for you. I know you have been doing so very much for your difficult child. Like Step, if my magic wand actually worked, I would be waving it your way. I am so sorry that you have to deal with all of this.

 

[Shari]

I hear you and I feel you.

Here's my thoughts, tho...and I have 2 trains going at once. I'm with you that the likelihood of making real change is slim to non-existent. But the first train says what happens to you if she goes and does something that you are responsible for and those standing outside the fire are judging based on the fact that you stopped trying to get her help/services?

The second train, tho, is more along the lines of "welcome to reality, you're in the pond now, sink or swim"...

I wont judge you regardless of your decision to carry on or throw in the towel. I remember all too well those years, and I am still haunted by my own choices I had to make. Mine happened to work out, but they just as easily could have gone horribly south, and I am far more aware of that than a lot of locals tend to realize...

 

[buddy]

I was thinking along the lines of Shari. Maybe keep the services at a minimum and have no expectations. Then at least it is on record. Does she have SSI?? IF you are thinking of applying for that, then it could be of benefit to have her in these services too so that it can be on the application taht she needs these kinds of services.

Do they convert to adult services when she is 18? Would it be different people? Or does she have to go on a waiting list or anything at that time to start all over. If it would offer her a chance maybe that could be another benefit to have them on board... if on paper only....

So, a different thought... Do you have a DVR dept that she can access? Is she working on any kinds of work, college, whatever kinds of skills? they do a lot of group social skill stuff etc. Or are all the services rolled into one thing in your county? Here if Q does that they are a totally different group of people.

 

[DaisyFace]

Maybe keep the services at a minimum and have no expectations.

Well, that would be easier to do if the services we've received so far hadn't been absolute DISASTERS!

Does she have SSI?? IF you are thinking of applying for that, then it could be of benefit to have her in these services too so that it can be on the application taht she needs these kinds of services.

Do they convert to adult services when she is 18? Would it be different people? Or does she have to go on a waiting list or anything at that time to start all over. If it would offer her a chance maybe that could be another benefit to have them on board... if on paper only....

So, a different thought... Do you have a DVR dept that she can access? Is she working on any kinds of work, college, whatever kinds of skills? they do a lot of group social skill stuff etc. Or are all the services rolled into one thing in your county? Here if Q does that they are a totally different group of people.

difficult child does not qualify for SSI - and because of the way all the state and county records have been worded, they are largely treating this as a "Behavior Problem"...so there won't be services after 18 she does not have the kind of diagnosis that would call for services past 18.

The college, work and social skills components are supposed to be handled by the Behavior Therapist - but so far, I have yet to hear any kind of description that sounds like "Behavior Therapy" is anything more than a Big-Brother/Big-Sister style program where the BTs act like a mentor and take the kids out for special activities.

 

[DaisyFace]

I hear you and I feel you.

Here's my thoughts, tho...and I have 2 trains going at once. I'm with you that the likelihood of making real change is slim to non-existent. But the first train says what happens to you if she goes and does something that you are responsible for and those standing outside the fire are judging based on the fact that you stopped trying to get her help/services?

The second train, tho, is more along the lines of "welcome to reality, you're in the pond now, sink or swim"...

I wont judge you regardless of your decision to carry on or throw in the towel. I remember all too well those years, and I am still haunted by my own choices I had to make. Mine happened to work out, but they just as easily could have gone horribly south, and I am far more aware of that than a lot of locals tend to realize...

Shari--

I don't know what would happen if difficult child did something horrible....but I have little confidence that anybody at the state or county would be standing by our side as it is. therapist is about to wash her hands of us - psychiatrist retired and the "temporary replacement psychiatrist" certainly is not assuming any responsibility since he is just 'filling in' - Supervisor is trying to look good on paper, but so far I don't see her handling things any better than the old Idiot Caseworker did.

I think part of me is starting to accept that there is not going to be any White Knight who will come and save the day...

And part of me is wondering if the county and state really do not have any more services left to offer (due to budget cuts or whatever) and so they are just going through the motions with me until either we get so frustrated that we withdraw or difficult child ages out of the program.

 

[Shari]

Oh, no, I don't mean that anyone would stand by you...no tdocs or psychiatrists, but I'm thinking more along the lines of police or heck, even the general public. The first thing we all ask is "were they trying to get help for him/her?"...

Either way you go, I'm with you....there isn't a white knight, at this point. Its the lesser of two evils...

 

[InsaneCdn]

In other words, what do you have to do to CYA in this?
Not fair. But... might be wise?

 

[Shari]

exactly.

 

[DaisyFace]

In other words, what do you have to do to CYA in this?
Not fair. But... might be wise?

Oh shoot! I hadn't even been thinking that way...

Any suggestions???

 

[JJJ]

Oh, no, I don't mean that anyone would stand by you...no tdocs or psychiatrists, but I'm thinking more along the lines of police or heck, even the general public. The first thing we all ask is "were they trying to get help for him/her?"...

This is my thought as well. I wouldn't withdraw her from services but since they are not doing anything I would back off and just contact them every couple of weeks with a short e-mail "just checking in to see if the new staff has been hired yet".

 

[HaoZi]

My thoughts are also along the lines of CYA. What limits YOUR liability the most at this point and in the future?

 

[DammitJanet]

DF....I understand where you are coming from. 17 was when I had to just plain give up the ghost with Cory. I felt there was simply no point in me working harder than he was. Oh I could have probably kept him in the programs we had down here but he wasnt going to use anything. I would just make myself crazy trying to force him into some triangle sized hole. He had been in so many programs over the years that he was completely resistant to anything.

It may be that time for you too. Have her go to school, let that be her issue. If she passes, she passes. She is to be out at 18 diploma or not. She may calm down before she graduates or not. If not, it may take a year or two being out on her own before she comes to her senses.

 

[Shari]

I like JJJ's suggestion.

Or if you go the sink or swim route, start a paper trail. If the curfew is 10pm, lock the door and report her as a runaway at 10:01. If she tries to pick the lock at midnight, report an intruder trying to break in...

 

[tiredmommy]

Personally, I think the program is dragging their feet on providing services until she ages out of the program. Keeps costs down. Grrr.

 

[TerryJ2]

Ohhh, I am so sorry. I cannot believe how awful this whole thing has been. What a total system failure. I would love to be in office in your state and fire the lot of them, dissolve the entire program, and provide tax rebates to parents like you, which you could use for private therapy.

I agree with-the others ... start a paper trail and protect yourself.

Many, many hugs.

 

[susiestar]

I think I was one of the ones who told you it was okay to stop when you asked this a while ago. Your difficult child wants nothing to do with this and figures she has it all worked out and you are just nuts. There isn't anything that can be done with/for her other than to minimize your liability for anything she does that hurts/damages others or their property.

What are you expecting difficult child to do when she reaches age 18? Will she be in high school? If yes, will she want to stay and finish her diploma or just quit? What support, if any, are you and husband willing to give her after age 18?

Ask an attorney if you need to have her evicted if she is living in your home with-o a lease or rental agreement after age 18. If needed, present her with a rental agreement stating she will do x, y and z and you will provide a, b, and c unless/until she breaks the rules, hurts someone, damages property or you/husband feel she needs to leave. Make sure you don't have to give her notice - put this in writing. This will make sure you don't have to go to court and evict her, then give her 30 days from date of eviction to leave. You do NOT want an angry difficult child who has to leave to be able to stay for 30 days - it will result in unprecedented violence to your persons and property.

If you are willing to support her if she s going to finish her diploma, let her know the terms and condition. If you are not, let her know that too. You and husband have some time, so sit and figure out what you want from her as your adult roommate. What you won't tolerate. What are dealbreakers.

From now until then, CYA. Ask if they have the therapist/psychiatrist/whatever. If difficult child is taking medications, take her to the psychiatrist appts and give her the medications. Don't fight over them. Walk away from anything you can.

At this point you can lead difficult child to the water but the only way to get her to drink is to knock her unconscious and drag her into the deep end. That is generally considered attempted murder and is discouraged. So provide the absolute minimum, and let difficult child fend for herself. Let difficult child navigate school herself, don't let her abuse anyone at home or your property. If she hurts someone, don't argue, call 911 and insist on pressing charges. If she damages the house, same thing. If they tell you that you "can't" press charges, tell them you want a supervisor. If that person says you "can't" then tell htem you want the police chief or they take your daughter and book her and you will NOT pay any fees or for a lawyer or anything else - if they want money they can get it from difficult child. If they tell you that you cannot press charges for her hurting a person, tell them it is domestic violence and the LAW says it is ILLEGAL.

They tried to tell me I couldn't make them take Wiz and couldn't press charges. They said the words and were told NO and NO and NO and NO. And NO. So they had to take him because every time they told me they couldn't I said "NO. I am pressing charges for domestic violence and assault." The third appearance before the judge he finally told the officer he better do the paperwork because it looked like Mom had calmed down and wasn't changing her mind and maybe it would end up that my son was the one who learned something. But that afternoon my folks begged to have a chance to fix him and my mom begged me because my dad needed something to do with his retirement other than follow her around telling her how to breathe - he literally was following her telling her how to do everything including better ways to inhale and exhale. I gave in to them because I had NO faith that the judge would do anything or the cops would do the paperwork. But they kept Wiz in a shelter for a few days and away from us for a couple of weeks until that point.

Mostly they tell parents they "can't" press charges because they get tired of parents telling them to take hte kids then getting all upset when the kids end up in jail or foster homes and the parents tell people how mean the cops were and the entire thing is a waste of time and money for the cops. So be insistent if yo have to call them. Tell them she doesn't have to go to jail but she can't stay there and you are pressing charges period because it is domestic violence and that is illegal period. Just say it over and over. TOok me close to an hour to convince the cops. E ven Wiz was telling them after twenty min that if I didn't change my mind by then that it wasn't going to happen and they couldn't win against me because I didn't say it unless I woudl do it- ever.

I think you have to keep everyone safe, esp easy child, provide the minimum, let her live with her choices and plan to NOT make life after age 18 easy or guaranteed for her. It may be that seeing that you are DONE. with the attempts to help her and will let her live wth her decisions including supporting herself totally after age 18 because she is hard to live with will make an impact of some kind. Just don't engage in any attempts to manipulate. Nail down the rules, what she has to do, what she is allowed to do, and let her figure it out.

I am sorry it has come to this. The behavior therapy they have offered sounds like some idiot's idea and more of a joke than anything else. What on earth are the kids to be helped by from outings to go do fun things? How does this help them learn skills?

Is difficult child going to be capable of going to college or vocational programs of some kind? What are the odds she can support herself legally? What can you live with if you refuse to let her live with you? Those are what you need to think of now.

 

[buddy]

Yes, then I totally agree...just keep it on paper to cya. I know even that may be a little bit of a PITA right now and painful in general given their actually making things worse at times... ugg. I feel for you so deeply. they really have done you and difficult child a huge disservice over the years. You will deserve a t-shirt saying I survived social services in X county and a medal after all of this.

Well, that would be easier to do if the services we've received so far hadn't been absolute DISASTERS!


difficult child does not qualify for SSI - and because of the way all the state and county records have been worded, they are largely treating this as a "Behavior Problem"...so there won't be services after 18 she does not have the kind of diagnosis that would call for services past 18.

The college, work and social skills components are supposed to be handled by the Behavior Therapist - but so far, I have yet to hear any kind of description that sounds like "Behavior Therapy" is anything more than a Big-Brother/Big-Sister style program where the BTs act like a mentor and take the kids out for special activities.

 

[Bunny]

They know that she is going to be 17 and they know that she is just a little more than a year away from being a legal adult. I think they are going as slowly as possible to get the new team in place. I'm so sorry that you're going through this and I can completely understand the feeling that you want to give up. The county/state if doing very little to help you. difficult child apparently has no desire to do any of the work that she needs to do. Why should it all be left up to you?