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Thinking About Officially Calling it Quits...
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 499440" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>I think I was one of the ones who told you it was okay to stop when you asked this a while ago. Your difficult child wants nothing to do with this and figures she has it all worked out and you are just nuts. There isn't anything that can be done with/for her other than to minimize your liability for anything she does that hurts/damages others or their property. </p><p></p><p>What are you expecting difficult child to do when she reaches age 18? Will she be in high school? If yes, will she want to stay and finish her diploma or just quit? What support, if any, are you and husband willing to give her after age 18?</p><p></p><p>Ask an attorney if you need to have her evicted if she is living in your home with-o a lease or rental agreement after age 18. If needed, present her with a rental agreement stating she will do x, y and z and you will provide a, b, and c unless/until she breaks the rules, hurts someone, damages property or you/husband feel she needs to leave. Make sure you don't have to give her notice - put this in writing. This will make sure you don't have to go to court and evict her, then give her 30 days from date of eviction to leave. You do NOT want an angry difficult child who has to leave to be able to stay for 30 days - it will result in unprecedented violence to your persons and property.</p><p></p><p>If you are willing to support her if she s going to finish her diploma, let her know the terms and condition. If you are not, let her know that too. You and husband have some time, so sit and figure out what you want from her as your adult roommate. What you won't tolerate. What are dealbreakers.</p><p></p><p>From now until then, CYA. Ask if they have the therapist/psychiatrist/whatever. If difficult child is taking medications, take her to the psychiatrist appts and give her the medications. Don't fight over them. Walk away from anything you can. </p><p></p><p>At this point you can lead difficult child to the water but the only way to get her to drink is to knock her unconscious and drag her into the deep end. That is generally considered attempted murder and is discouraged. So provide the absolute minimum, and let difficult child fend for herself. Let difficult child navigate school herself, don't let her abuse anyone at home or your property. If she hurts someone, don't argue, call 911 and insist on pressing charges. If she damages the house, same thing. If they tell you that you "can't" press charges, tell them you want a supervisor. If that person says you "can't" then tell htem you want the police chief or they take your daughter and book her and you will NOT pay any fees or for a lawyer or anything else - if they want money they can get it from difficult child. If they tell you that you cannot press charges for her hurting a person, tell them it is domestic violence and the LAW says it is ILLEGAL. </p><p></p><p>They tried to tell me I couldn't make them take Wiz and couldn't press charges. They said the words and were told NO and NO and NO and NO. And NO. So they had to take him because every time they told me they couldn't I said "NO. I am pressing charges for domestic violence and assault." The third appearance before the judge he finally told the officer he better do the paperwork because it looked like Mom had calmed down and wasn't changing her mind and maybe it would end up that my son was the one who learned something. But that afternoon my folks begged to have a chance to fix him and my mom begged me because my dad needed something to do with his retirement other than follow her around telling her how to breathe - he literally was following her telling her how to do everything including better ways to inhale and exhale. I gave in to them because I had NO faith that the judge would do anything or the cops would do the paperwork. But they kept Wiz in a shelter for a few days and away from us for a couple of weeks until that point.</p><p></p><p>Mostly they tell parents they "can't" press charges because they get tired of parents telling them to take hte kids then getting all upset when the kids end up in jail or foster homes and the parents tell people how mean the cops were and the entire thing is a waste of time and money for the cops. So be insistent if yo have to call them. Tell them she doesn't have to go to jail but she can't stay there and you are pressing charges period because it is domestic violence and that is illegal period. Just say it over and over. TOok me close to an hour to convince the cops. E ven Wiz was telling them after twenty min that if I didn't change my mind by then that it wasn't going to happen and they couldn't win against me because I didn't say it unless I woudl do it- ever. </p><p></p><p>I think you have to keep everyone safe, esp easy child, provide the minimum, let her live with her choices and plan to NOT make life after age 18 easy or guaranteed for her. It may be that seeing that you are DONE. with the attempts to help her and will let her live wth her decisions including supporting herself totally after age 18 because she is hard to live with will make an impact of some kind. Just don't engage in any attempts to manipulate. Nail down the rules, what she has to do, what she is allowed to do, and let her figure it out. </p><p></p><p>I am sorry it has come to this. The behavior therapy they have offered sounds like some idiot's idea and more of a joke than anything else. What on earth are the kids to be helped by from outings to go do fun things? How does this help them learn skills?</p><p></p><p>Is difficult child going to be capable of going to college or vocational programs of some kind? What are the odds she can support herself legally? What can you live with if you refuse to let her live with you? Those are what you need to think of now.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 499440, member: 1233"] I think I was one of the ones who told you it was okay to stop when you asked this a while ago. Your difficult child wants nothing to do with this and figures she has it all worked out and you are just nuts. There isn't anything that can be done with/for her other than to minimize your liability for anything she does that hurts/damages others or their property. What are you expecting difficult child to do when she reaches age 18? Will she be in high school? If yes, will she want to stay and finish her diploma or just quit? What support, if any, are you and husband willing to give her after age 18? Ask an attorney if you need to have her evicted if she is living in your home with-o a lease or rental agreement after age 18. If needed, present her with a rental agreement stating she will do x, y and z and you will provide a, b, and c unless/until she breaks the rules, hurts someone, damages property or you/husband feel she needs to leave. Make sure you don't have to give her notice - put this in writing. This will make sure you don't have to go to court and evict her, then give her 30 days from date of eviction to leave. You do NOT want an angry difficult child who has to leave to be able to stay for 30 days - it will result in unprecedented violence to your persons and property. If you are willing to support her if she s going to finish her diploma, let her know the terms and condition. If you are not, let her know that too. You and husband have some time, so sit and figure out what you want from her as your adult roommate. What you won't tolerate. What are dealbreakers. From now until then, CYA. Ask if they have the therapist/psychiatrist/whatever. If difficult child is taking medications, take her to the psychiatrist appts and give her the medications. Don't fight over them. Walk away from anything you can. At this point you can lead difficult child to the water but the only way to get her to drink is to knock her unconscious and drag her into the deep end. That is generally considered attempted murder and is discouraged. So provide the absolute minimum, and let difficult child fend for herself. Let difficult child navigate school herself, don't let her abuse anyone at home or your property. If she hurts someone, don't argue, call 911 and insist on pressing charges. If she damages the house, same thing. If they tell you that you "can't" press charges, tell them you want a supervisor. If that person says you "can't" then tell htem you want the police chief or they take your daughter and book her and you will NOT pay any fees or for a lawyer or anything else - if they want money they can get it from difficult child. If they tell you that you cannot press charges for her hurting a person, tell them it is domestic violence and the LAW says it is ILLEGAL. They tried to tell me I couldn't make them take Wiz and couldn't press charges. They said the words and were told NO and NO and NO and NO. And NO. So they had to take him because every time they told me they couldn't I said "NO. I am pressing charges for domestic violence and assault." The third appearance before the judge he finally told the officer he better do the paperwork because it looked like Mom had calmed down and wasn't changing her mind and maybe it would end up that my son was the one who learned something. But that afternoon my folks begged to have a chance to fix him and my mom begged me because my dad needed something to do with his retirement other than follow her around telling her how to breathe - he literally was following her telling her how to do everything including better ways to inhale and exhale. I gave in to them because I had NO faith that the judge would do anything or the cops would do the paperwork. But they kept Wiz in a shelter for a few days and away from us for a couple of weeks until that point. Mostly they tell parents they "can't" press charges because they get tired of parents telling them to take hte kids then getting all upset when the kids end up in jail or foster homes and the parents tell people how mean the cops were and the entire thing is a waste of time and money for the cops. So be insistent if yo have to call them. Tell them she doesn't have to go to jail but she can't stay there and you are pressing charges period because it is domestic violence and that is illegal period. Just say it over and over. TOok me close to an hour to convince the cops. E ven Wiz was telling them after twenty min that if I didn't change my mind by then that it wasn't going to happen and they couldn't win against me because I didn't say it unless I woudl do it- ever. I think you have to keep everyone safe, esp easy child, provide the minimum, let her live with her choices and plan to NOT make life after age 18 easy or guaranteed for her. It may be that seeing that you are DONE. with the attempts to help her and will let her live wth her decisions including supporting herself totally after age 18 because she is hard to live with will make an impact of some kind. Just don't engage in any attempts to manipulate. Nail down the rules, what she has to do, what she is allowed to do, and let her figure it out. I am sorry it has come to this. The behavior therapy they have offered sounds like some idiot's idea and more of a joke than anything else. What on earth are the kids to be helped by from outings to go do fun things? How does this help them learn skills? Is difficult child going to be capable of going to college or vocational programs of some kind? What are the odds she can support herself legally? What can you live with if you refuse to let her live with you? Those are what you need to think of now. [/QUOTE]
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