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<blockquote data-quote="Hound dog" data-source="post: 597982" data-attributes="member: 84"><p>(((hugs)))</p><p></p><p>Fred and I were married 28 yrs. We were soul mates, fit together like a hand and a glove. It was love at first sight, literally. We were best friends. I loved him with everything I had and he loved me the same way. </p><p></p><p>Fred was also a full blown difficult child, although it took some years for me to figure that out. He was autistic. The gene for autism is very strong in his family. High functioning for the most part, but still very autistic. </p><p></p><p>As you can imagine, it created problems. A LOT of problems. These problems were made worse because mother in law, good intentions aside, enabled behavior that created many of the problems. </p><p></p><p>Fred could be the most loving, gentle, affectionate, attentive person.......he was generous to a fault. On the flip side, he could also slide into his own world and somewhat "forget" those around him existed. He had very compulsive behaviors......and I can't think of one of them that was good. His solution to problems were to pretend they didn't exist. He procrastinated to the point that nearly drove me insane. Yet not a day went by that he didn't tell me at least a half dozen times that he loved me.......and meant it with all of his heart. </p><p></p><p>I will tell you truthfully that if I were not the stubborn person that I am, if I had not made a vow to make my marriage work "until death do us part", if I had not loved the man so very deeply.........it most likely would not have made it past the first 5-7 yrs. Shoot, I know most women would have bailed within the first 6 months. </p><p></p><p>I had to learn creative ways to deal with the difficult child behaviors while focusing on the man beyond the gfgness. That was hard to do and it took years to do it. </p><p></p><p>Fred was totally irresponsible with money for years and years to the point where having utilities shut off was a regular event and I learned how to do without phone, lights, heat, water much more than I ever wanted to know. I took the finances completely away from him. His name was on the bank account, but money never stayed in that account long enough for him to have access to it. I paid bills, I did the budget, and he did not have spending money. If he needed gas or something I was there when he paid for it. Stunk. But it solved the problem. Sometimes he would sneak money........I learned to hide it well, sometimes so well I wouldn't find it again for about a year. lol (I can laugh now) At one point he was using mother in law for money he couldn't get from me.........and that nearly did end our marriage. I not only called him to the carpet.......I drug him to his mother and made him confess what he'd been doing to her for years....using me as his excuse. ugh That stopped it totally. mother in law no longer enabled. After my accident he had no choice but to take over the finances. I told him flat out if he missed one payment on anything (no excuses) he was out the door and I was filing for divorce. He never missed any.........except when unemployed and well, I couldn't fault him for that. </p><p></p><p>I discovered early in that while Fred was a loving dad, he could not parent. He could not be consistent in the least. It was either far too severe or far too lax. He'd bellow like an enraged bear at the kids......then have to apologize later. He'd ground them for 6 months and retract it when he calmed down 5 mins later. So while I didn't like it one bit, I was the boss when it came to parenting, he was my back up. He did no discipline. It worked much better that way for everyone. </p><p></p><p>Over 28 yrs there were a million little things. I had to learn to cope with each and every one of them, which often required thinking outside of the box. I had to teach myself how to react to certain behaviors in order to handle them better because often Fred simply could not change his reactions to situations. If I blew up at everything he did I'd have needed a padded room myself in short order. Know what I mean?? I couldn't change Fred. I had to learn, instead to change myself and my reactions. </p><p></p><p>Was it worth it? </p><p></p><p>It was hard. Sometimes it was h*ll. There were moments I came awfully close to walking away and throwing up my hands. For me? It was worth the work. No one told me marriage was a fairytale. No one told me it was easy. So I never had those expectations. I noticed with my mom that every relationship that she had when things got "hard" she found a way to end it. I don't recall her ever trying to work through a tough spot and find a solution. It was just easier to bail. My grandma taught me that the things in this life that are truly worth it you have to work hard to have, they never are just handed to you. </p><p></p><p>I got to spend 28 yrs with my best friend, my soulmate. I wish I'd been able to spend 28 more years with him. No regrets. None. </p><p></p><p>Fred loved and accepted me for the person I am, utterly, from the beginning. (and trust me, I'm so far from perfect it is not funny) I loved him, but I had to learn to accept him for the person he was both the good and the bad. I look at this sentence and I think of the irony in it. Yet it sums it up perfectly. </p><p></p><p>No one can tell you if it is "worth it" or not. Only you will be able to answer that question for yourself. None of us are perfect, easy child or difficult child. We all have our faults. I personally believe that people give up too easily these days. It's just too darn easy to throw up your hands and walk away. Love is not enough, a long relationship is a lot of hard work. You have to be willing to do the work to keep it going. That is why without love it doesn't work, love is the motivator. Your husband has his limitations. You have yours. You have to learn to work together to enhance each other instead of clashing. </p><p></p><p>In your posts it sounds as if your husband truly loves you and the kids. You seem to know that. You also sound as if you truly love him. It seems at this point both of you are trying. That says a lot right there. husband is not stable right now, more so since they're adjusting his medications. It is going to affect his behavior. It doesn't excuse it, but it explains it. You're both under tremendous stress right now, which is going to make everything seem worse. (trust me been there done that many many times) </p><p></p><p>As per the seroquil, I don't understand why they're changing it just due to the sleep issue. It really doesn't take that long to get used to the dose to where you can take it and have a normal sleep cycle, or at least it didn't for me. Now at first.....yeah, I did have trouble shaking off the groggy, but after a few months I was back at my 6-7 hr sleep cycle.....and I was taking trazadone with it. lol Not everyone reacts well with abilify, sometimes it creates more issues than it helps, as can be the case with most medications. Nichole did well on it, but I've known others who got much worse instead of better. Know what I mean?? </p><p></p><p>Know that I'm keeping you and your family in my prayers.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Hound dog, post: 597982, member: 84"] (((hugs))) Fred and I were married 28 yrs. We were soul mates, fit together like a hand and a glove. It was love at first sight, literally. We were best friends. I loved him with everything I had and he loved me the same way. Fred was also a full blown difficult child, although it took some years for me to figure that out. He was autistic. The gene for autism is very strong in his family. High functioning for the most part, but still very autistic. As you can imagine, it created problems. A LOT of problems. These problems were made worse because mother in law, good intentions aside, enabled behavior that created many of the problems. Fred could be the most loving, gentle, affectionate, attentive person.......he was generous to a fault. On the flip side, he could also slide into his own world and somewhat "forget" those around him existed. He had very compulsive behaviors......and I can't think of one of them that was good. His solution to problems were to pretend they didn't exist. He procrastinated to the point that nearly drove me insane. Yet not a day went by that he didn't tell me at least a half dozen times that he loved me.......and meant it with all of his heart. I will tell you truthfully that if I were not the stubborn person that I am, if I had not made a vow to make my marriage work "until death do us part", if I had not loved the man so very deeply.........it most likely would not have made it past the first 5-7 yrs. Shoot, I know most women would have bailed within the first 6 months. I had to learn creative ways to deal with the difficult child behaviors while focusing on the man beyond the gfgness. That was hard to do and it took years to do it. Fred was totally irresponsible with money for years and years to the point where having utilities shut off was a regular event and I learned how to do without phone, lights, heat, water much more than I ever wanted to know. I took the finances completely away from him. His name was on the bank account, but money never stayed in that account long enough for him to have access to it. I paid bills, I did the budget, and he did not have spending money. If he needed gas or something I was there when he paid for it. Stunk. But it solved the problem. Sometimes he would sneak money........I learned to hide it well, sometimes so well I wouldn't find it again for about a year. lol (I can laugh now) At one point he was using mother in law for money he couldn't get from me.........and that nearly did end our marriage. I not only called him to the carpet.......I drug him to his mother and made him confess what he'd been doing to her for years....using me as his excuse. ugh That stopped it totally. mother in law no longer enabled. After my accident he had no choice but to take over the finances. I told him flat out if he missed one payment on anything (no excuses) he was out the door and I was filing for divorce. He never missed any.........except when unemployed and well, I couldn't fault him for that. I discovered early in that while Fred was a loving dad, he could not parent. He could not be consistent in the least. It was either far too severe or far too lax. He'd bellow like an enraged bear at the kids......then have to apologize later. He'd ground them for 6 months and retract it when he calmed down 5 mins later. So while I didn't like it one bit, I was the boss when it came to parenting, he was my back up. He did no discipline. It worked much better that way for everyone. Over 28 yrs there were a million little things. I had to learn to cope with each and every one of them, which often required thinking outside of the box. I had to teach myself how to react to certain behaviors in order to handle them better because often Fred simply could not change his reactions to situations. If I blew up at everything he did I'd have needed a padded room myself in short order. Know what I mean?? I couldn't change Fred. I had to learn, instead to change myself and my reactions. Was it worth it? It was hard. Sometimes it was h*ll. There were moments I came awfully close to walking away and throwing up my hands. For me? It was worth the work. No one told me marriage was a fairytale. No one told me it was easy. So I never had those expectations. I noticed with my mom that every relationship that she had when things got "hard" she found a way to end it. I don't recall her ever trying to work through a tough spot and find a solution. It was just easier to bail. My grandma taught me that the things in this life that are truly worth it you have to work hard to have, they never are just handed to you. I got to spend 28 yrs with my best friend, my soulmate. I wish I'd been able to spend 28 more years with him. No regrets. None. Fred loved and accepted me for the person I am, utterly, from the beginning. (and trust me, I'm so far from perfect it is not funny) I loved him, but I had to learn to accept him for the person he was both the good and the bad. I look at this sentence and I think of the irony in it. Yet it sums it up perfectly. No one can tell you if it is "worth it" or not. Only you will be able to answer that question for yourself. None of us are perfect, easy child or difficult child. We all have our faults. I personally believe that people give up too easily these days. It's just too darn easy to throw up your hands and walk away. Love is not enough, a long relationship is a lot of hard work. You have to be willing to do the work to keep it going. That is why without love it doesn't work, love is the motivator. Your husband has his limitations. You have yours. You have to learn to work together to enhance each other instead of clashing. In your posts it sounds as if your husband truly loves you and the kids. You seem to know that. You also sound as if you truly love him. It seems at this point both of you are trying. That says a lot right there. husband is not stable right now, more so since they're adjusting his medications. It is going to affect his behavior. It doesn't excuse it, but it explains it. You're both under tremendous stress right now, which is going to make everything seem worse. (trust me been there done that many many times) As per the seroquil, I don't understand why they're changing it just due to the sleep issue. It really doesn't take that long to get used to the dose to where you can take it and have a normal sleep cycle, or at least it didn't for me. Now at first.....yeah, I did have trouble shaking off the groggy, but after a few months I was back at my 6-7 hr sleep cycle.....and I was taking trazadone with it. lol Not everyone reacts well with abilify, sometimes it creates more issues than it helps, as can be the case with most medications. Nichole did well on it, but I've known others who got much worse instead of better. Know what I mean?? Know that I'm keeping you and your family in my prayers. [/QUOTE]
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